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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU taking DSD in toilets with me?

31 replies

Reallyevilmuffin · 09/02/2019 01:57

To make this clear from the start I am step DAD. I am prepared to get flamed here too.

DSD 7 and I do a lot together as DP often has the much younger children and doesn't drive, so we go a lot of places together and daytrips. She has a big phobia of new toilets, not without reason too.

She has a habit of locking herself in cubicles, which has happened 2 times when she has gone alone. She is not very strong, nor practically minded and a little immature. Both times where she got trapped and panicked it was because she was pulling and trying to move the slider lock, rather than just moving left to right.

Rescues involved one climbing over the stalls experience in the ladies (she had been gone a while with me outside, the women were understanding and heard her screaming) and Starbucks having to use their unlocker thing.

Not locking the door is not an option as she is very private and has to have it closed, or have me physically guard the door after a minutes reassurance.

She is getting better but if she has never been in them before she will want someone with her. Now I will gravitate to the changing room toilets or disabled if practical, but if these aren't options as they often aren't we are left with a pickle.

I then take her in the blokes with me if she is insisting, which I have never had any issue with. No one has ever given me a look, and apart from having to ensure a clean toilet it's never been an issue at any time that I have noticed.

However when I did this when out with friends on a daytrips they were shocked and thought I was going to warp her mind and harm her for life with penises being seen, and that I should go in the ladies with her instead. This view was repeated by quite a wide range of people when I voiced this is what I did on an article about a school moving to mixed gender toilets, and how these help people like me.

I don't think I have harmed her, and she only seems concerned about getting locked in. Indeed I don't know which toilets these people go in that seem to have penises waved about willy nilly, I can't think of a time other than with people blotto that any bloke has ever done anything other than get out of a toilet as fast as possible! I don't bother about covering her eyes or anything because there is never really anything to see IMO.

The arguement that technically nothing private happens outside a cubicle in a women's was not a bad one, but I have always felt the adult should be in the correct gender location at all times as a rule of thumb.

So am I damaging DSD? Would you do what I do currently? (We had conquered it until the most recent lock in over the autumn half term, getting there again)

OP posts:

SleepingStandingUp · 09/02/2019 01:59

I'd ask her amum what she'd prefer

Greensleeves · 09/02/2019 02:02

YANBU as I don't see what choice you would have if she's desperate for a wee and there's no alternative other than letting her use the ladies on her own. I think you need to be very vigilant about checking the environment before she goes in, being there when she comes out of the cubicle etc, because there IS a danger of her seeing something she isn't ready for and you need to safeguard her.

I did this when mine were little (I'm female, they're boys) and was vigilant for the same reasons.

FissionChip5 · 09/02/2019 02:02

If her parents don’t mind then I don’t see the problem, it’s not like you’re standing her next to urinals to have a look.

DaisyDreaming · 09/02/2019 02:02

I think it’s better she goes into the men’s, Ive been in the men’s lots of times as disabled cubicals are often in genders toilets and as a wheelchair user with a male carer one of us needs to go into a different gender toilet, I’ve never seen a penis in there! . The reason I think it’s better she goes into the men’s is if it’s a quiet block of toilets and your standing outside the door so it’s not obvious you are with a child, it might freak some woman out. She’s only 7, there’s no much on show and I’m sure she knows men have Willy’s and wee from them!

timeforteaplease1 · 09/02/2019 02:02

Dunno really.

I imagine men aren’t waving their willies about in the toilet and she’s using a stall in the men’s toilet?

I couldnt get worked up about it. My dad took me into the men’s changing rooms at the swimming when I was younger and I don’t think it traumatised me.

She does need to start to learn to go to the toilet herself though. Just gentle encouragement

ChakiraChakra · 09/02/2019 02:04

I think you're right, the adult should be in the correct gender. Keep doing as you have been doing, and continue to have no problems with penises because as you say, they aren't being waved around willy nilly! and maybe sending her in her own at places like starbucks where you know they have an unlocker thingy to build her confidence.

Original poster

Reallyevilmuffin · 09/02/2019 02:15

My partner has no issues with what I do currently. I was surprised at the level of disapproval I met online to never once having an issue in real life. I'm pretty sure she has never seen a private area from the toilets as even if flies are not done up you're definitely very odd if you turn around from the urjnal without at least the boxers up!

The phobia is calming but it is hard when it is almost a PTSD memory as opposed to a simple phobia. She is getting better again already mind.

OP posts:

Blondebakingmumma · 09/02/2019 05:29

I have had a similar discussion with my husband. I am not happy for him to take our daughter into the swimming pool change room. However, there are family change rooms available. I wouldn’t like hubby taking daughter into men’s toilets either. I would be teaching her how to use the toilet locks as a start rather than continuing to go with her. How does she manage to use the toilets at school?

AlmostAJillSandwich · 09/02/2019 05:36

Firstly, what a bloody brilliant dad!
Second, having issues with toilets myself growing up i preffered to go in the mens with my dad even over the womens with my mum, he was just the one who calmed me more and made it easier. Never saw anything untoward myself and am totally undamaged by it.

OwlBeThere · 09/02/2019 05:56

I think you are totally doing the right thing. the amount of angst people seem to have over toilets and who goes in which one baffles me to be honest. If i was taking out my son when he was 7, i would take him in the ladies because he was 7, and 7 is still small and they might wander off or whatever. it wouldn't even occur to me to do anything else.

VashtaNerada · 09/02/2019 06:01

I think you’re in the right, DS (7) would still come to the ladies with me if we were somewhere particularly busy or potentially dirty. I would never go with him to the gents.

Onlyjoinedforthisthread · 09/02/2019 06:04

I can't see many women being happy with you been in the female toilets. I can hear the outcry about men invading women's space and rightly so. You're doing the right thing in my opinion.

PyongyangKipperbang · 09/02/2019 06:07

Some people are ridiculous, carryon doing what you are doing and tell the busybodies to mind their own business.

HoppingPavlova · 09/02/2019 06:15

Meh, my DH used to take our DD into the men’s toilets whenever he was out with her and there was no family toilet option.

She would have been over 7yo in certain situations, for instance he would have never let her go into a women’s toilet block at a park or the beach. Who knows who is lurking in there? Whereas toilets in a really busy shopping centre with a really high turnover of women walking in and out, he was more confident of her safety. It is hard though as even so, standing outside makes a lot of women unhappy as then you are seen as ‘lurking’ around the women’s toilet up to no good and it’s not as though you can have a sign saying ‘it’s ok, I’m waiting here for my kid trying to be within earshot if she gets stuck and calls out’.

thatmustbenigelwiththebrie · 09/02/2019 06:20

Sounds fine to me.

BoomBoomsCousin · 09/02/2019 06:29

You take her into the correct toilet for you (the men's). Just as all the mums that take their sons to the toilet take them into the correct toilet for them (the women's). Seeing a penis won't harm her or the men in the toilet. Young children aren't really an issue in terms of dignity in intimate settings. It's only as we reach puberty that that becomes an issue.

user1493413286 · 09/02/2019 06:30

My main concern would be how clean it is; I would use the disabled toilet, surely everywhere has disabled toilets now?

Battenburg1978 · 09/02/2019 06:46

OP my partner (single dad) used to do the same with his DD, until she was old enough and confident enough to use the women's loo by herself. I don't think it's an issue. Often the disabled loo is not an option as (quite rightly) it's is locked to reserve it for disabled users/baby change. I've never seen a 'family loo' myself when out and about, other than a family swim change area.

sashh · 09/02/2019 06:59

You sound ace, whatever works for you and your family is fine.

One suggestion though, I had a mother who was paranoid about me getting locked in the toilet so she would stand outside telling me not to lock the door, even when I was far too old, sorry off point, but I used to put a bag against the door, would she do that rather than locl the door?

Duchessofealing · 09/02/2019 07:05

My daughters go in to the gents with their dad and step dad (not at the same time!) - even if I’m there - less queueing so they are done quicker. You are absolutely doing the right thing as long as you wait in the gents for her.

anniehm · 09/02/2019 07:05

I don't see a problem, but often in shopping centres and attractions they have a unisex disabled/family toilet which would be more appropriate if available considering her age. Mine certainly went in the ladies alone by 6, helped by the fact I have two girls close together - my dh did take them into the gents when they were tiny of course.

iamkahleesi · 09/02/2019 07:48

You sound like an amazing step dad. Use your own judgement and trust it. Ignore the haters.

FannyFifer · 09/02/2019 07:58

My daughter also has a phobia about using public toilets, they terrify her and no way could she go in by herself. It's strange as she is so confident in every other aspect of her life.
My partner often has to take her into the men's loo if I am not with them.
The only thing she comments on Is how it's so much quieter in the men's.
You are doing the right thing in my opinion.

ATowelAndAPotato · 09/02/2019 08:00

I say, if mum is happy with it, carry on as you are. My husband has taken our DD into the gents with him if there were no family loos available. She’s yet to come out shrieking about having seen a trouser snake! Equally I’ve taken my DSS into the ladies with me when he was little.

cricketmum84 · 09/02/2019 08:02

My DH takes our DD into the men's and has done since she was tiny. I would never suggest he took her into the ladies toilet and at 7 she is too young to go into the ladies alone for the reasons you have mentioned!
FWIW DD once locked herself in the ladies too and a bloke had to literally shoulder barge the door down to get her out 😱

You sound like a fantastic step dad.

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