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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to be so f*cking afraid to talk to people offline - especially military - about dhs mental health?

35 replies

Flyingfish2019 · 08/02/2019 21:44

Dh is ex mil and currently I am wondering if I should talk to them about his mental health. Actually he has ptsd and is coping fine but I am worried about some things (for example his eating and drinking habits). I have been thinking about calling them for quite a while but I cannot bring myself to do it because I am am too ashamed.

OP posts:
GoGoGadgetGin · 08/02/2019 21:46

Are you UK based? There's several ex military charities that support with PTSD. Happy to pm if you'd rather.

thenightsky · 08/02/2019 21:47

Have you contacted Combat Stress? In the area I live a referral from them to mental health services gets fast tracked.

GoGoGadgetGin · 08/02/2019 21:47

Sorry not just PTSD but generally well being and health as well.

ATBhinchers · 08/02/2019 21:49

Why are you ashamed of him? I'm confused.

GoGoGadgetGin · 08/02/2019 21:49

www.gov.uk/government/groups/veterans-welfare-service

Original poster
Flyingfish2019 · 08/02/2019 21:49

Sorry, I forgot to mention that dh is being treated. I would like to talk to his therapist but dh is opposed to it which I understand.
I just feel that I have some question about his eating/drinking and sleeping habits. If they are okay and I can ignore.

OP posts:
limpbizkit · 08/02/2019 21:52

I don't mean to sound patronising but can you not start by actually talking to your DH about this?

Original poster
Flyingfish2019 · 08/02/2019 21:56

@ATBhinchers.
I am ashamed because I think he makes some unwise and rather childish choices like not eating right, but eating a lot of sugary stuff, chocolate, pralines, icecream and so on... and while he does not drink much he drinks when he has nightmares, like self-medication. He decided to come off his medication and is currently not on one and started to drink instead.
I also have to tell him when it is time to go to sleep and I feel I am nannying him a bit.
I am afraid that they well tell us basically that we suck and that this hasnothing to do with combat ptsd but with him being spoiled and me being a lousy spouse.
On the one hand I feel silly to feel like this but on the other hand I cannot get rid of that feeling.

OP posts:
Original poster
Flyingfish2019 · 08/02/2019 21:59

@limpbizkit You mean talk to my husband about his eating/sleeping/drinking habits. I do this but he tells me everything is fine. He doesn’t want me to worry about him. It would be the worst for him. He tells me just to relax because he is in control and everything is fine.

OP posts:
limpbizkit · 08/02/2019 22:04

I think you sound quite judgemental towards your DH. The drinking and nightmares certainly sound indicative of PTSD. The eating sugary crap though... Not sure that's linked. Has he always eaten like that? It sounds like your physically meeting his needs in a chore like manner. But what emotional support are you providing? You don't necessarily have to provide it. Not everyone is capable of that. I don't get why you're rushing to discuss this with somebody before you actually raise it with him? Do you ask him how his counselling is going? (you said he was seeking help) is he getting good support there? Dr's for sleeping tablets/anti anxiety meds? It'd be better than using alcohol. These will be horrendously difficult steps for him in reality but maybe he needs some encouragement to get there. I assume your communication isn't good? You sound a bit emotionally detached from him...

WrongKindOfFace · 08/02/2019 22:04

You’ve posted about him before. He needs more help than he’s getting. Is he getting the right therapy? EMDR seems to have a good success rate?

limpbizkit · 08/02/2019 22:07

OK so it seems you have tried to raise it with him. He seems to be shutting you out in thar case. Probably all related to the PTSD. It must be hard for you to watch and live with. Can you tell him it's starting to affect you? Would he be open to you coming with him to his therapy?

Original poster
Flyingfish2019 · 08/02/2019 22:14

I actually tried to discuss things with him but often he did not want to. He told me it breaks his heart when I am worried for him.

One time he wanted to discuss something with me but he just could not find the words. He just could not talk. I asked him if he wanted to talk to me later. Several times. Every time he said “No, not yet, maybe later“. SoI stopped asking him. That is one of the things I want to ask people at the help line... if it was okay to have stopped asking.

He has been on meds for sleeping but has come off because he did not like the side effects.

He does not drink much but he self medicates in orderte sleep/forget about a nightmare and I do not like that.

OP posts:
Evilspiritgin · 08/02/2019 22:17

Does he have a number for welfare from his old regiment?

Original poster
Flyingfish2019 · 08/02/2019 22:27

@limpbizkit No he is not open to me coming with him to his therapy. I do not want to break his heart by telling him it is starting to affect me. I know he tries his best to be strong for me and it wold make him very sad.

OP posts:
Original poster
Flyingfish2019 · 08/02/2019 22:31

So basically what this thread is about: I do have a phone number where I could call but I am too ashamed. I already had the phone in myhand to call but then I was too ashamed.

OP posts:
Evilspiritgin · 08/02/2019 22:36

Don’t be ashamed you need help sorting this out in your mind as well , My dh regiments welfare team were great, I also found when I needed help the Samaritans were great as they didn’t know me or my dh plus you can email them

Original poster
Flyingfish2019 · 08/02/2019 22:40

@Evilspiritgin May I ask if your dh had similiar problems?
I guess it is weird but I am very ashamed of our problems and feel that they are more embarrassing than everybody else’s.

OP posts:
DontDribbleOnTheCarpet · 08/02/2019 22:44

The people running the helpline want you to call them- it's the reason they do their jobs. They want to be able to help. Nobody goes into that kind of work to judge people, and they may well have been where you are. Please call, it could be the first step towards a much better time for both of you.
Your husband doesn't sound able to help himself and coming off of his meds sounds worrying. Even if the end result is only that you find a source of support for yourself, then that is a hugely valuable thing.

idonthaveaclue123 · 08/02/2019 22:45

I would advise you to in this position to phone someone and talk through your concerns and ask any questions you have. I have a close family member who has PTSD and in order to help support them emotionally you need to be supported to. I have found the British Legion brilliant (just phone and ask for the welfare officer) and it helped that I could talk to a stranger about my worries as well, there’s also SSAFA which is a brilliant charity. There’s help out there for families of ex serves men and women for a reason.

Evilspiritgin · 08/02/2019 22:48

Sorry I was in touch with welfare after my dh died(suicide he wasn’t depressed he was completely drunk about 4 times the limit ) but I know where you are coming from it’s almost ingrained into people not to talk to welfare but they were brilliant for me plus that what they are there for

Original poster
Flyingfish2019 · 08/02/2019 22:50

@Evilspiritgin I am so sorry. I did not know your dh died. I would not have asked that question if I knew. I hope you are okay.

OP posts:
Original poster
Flyingfish2019 · 08/02/2019 22:54

@Idonthaveaclue123 May I ask you if the problems your Family member has are similiar to my dhs problems?

OP posts:
idonthaveaclue123 · 08/02/2019 23:05

Yes some are quite similar he drinks quite a bit at times (mostly if he’s finding sleeping hard) and does have strange eating habits, he can go a day sometimes and not have eaten a proper meal unless someone has cooked it and placed it in front of him. It’s a hard thing to deal with op and I really hope you and your dh get the help you need, but it can get better and with help my family member has gotten better at drinking less and talking. It’s a long process, please do get support for yourself.