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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

toxic relative present

26 replies

amibeingunreasonablexxx · 08/02/2019 18:38

I went vvvvv low contact with this relative a few years ago because their behaviour was appalling. As soon as I went very low contact, they started, for the first time, buying presents for my dc. I didn't pass the presents on, I donated them to charity. This has been almost the only contact we have had in the last few years.

Now this relative has bought a subscription to a monthly magazine for one of the dc which will be delivered to our house every month without asking me. I am so so so angry, I feel invaded, I feel .... just icky.

They had been abusive when I was a child - which I had moved on from as they had said sorry, but they then started up again after I had dc. Though really, they never stopped, I just didn't see them much or engage until I had dc and they said sorry. And then deteriorated again.

If I stop contact completely or tell them to FO they will cause more trouble.

AIBU feeling our space has been invaded. And what can I do about it.

OP posts:
Aprilshowersarecomingsoon · 08/02/2019 18:40

Contact the mag and request no more deliveries.

PlainSpeakingStraightTalking · 08/02/2019 18:45

Intercept, mark it 'not known at this address' put in the post box

Although ….. will the fact you took your childs gifts and disposed of them without their consent, ever come back to bite you?

Jamiefraserskilt · 08/02/2019 18:46

Not at this address. Return to sender

Original poster
amibeingunreasonablexxx · 08/02/2019 18:51

Thanks all. How would it come back to bite me, plain speaking ? Do you mean that they might use that against me somehow? Is there some toxic precedent for this I wasn't aware of?!!

OP posts:
PlainSpeakingStraightTalking · 08/02/2019 18:57

I don't know - you haven't said who they are - I'm hazarding a guess it is a parent of yours - is it possible they will forge an adult relationship with your child in years to come - and come out with the line 'we/I sent you cards/presents every birthday/ester/Christmas and mum threw them away'.

I have heard similar where the RP has disposed of everything the NRP sent and withheld contact and effectively white washed the NRP out of a childs life - and that did all come home to roost once the child was post 18 and realised how manipulative the RP had been.

You say this person is toxic, toxic usually equates to manipulative, manipulative people are exploitative. Do they really want a relationship with your child, or are they doing this to get at you? There is a whole psychology behind this

Snowmaggedon · 08/02/2019 19:07

So plain.. What's the way forward then!!

Allow toxic access... Not allow it etc

Original poster
amibeingunreasonablexxx · 08/02/2019 19:08

You are right plainspeaking they are manipulative. And I haven't thought out the future, and I should. They showed no interest in dc before LC and I don't think that their gifts are genuine in a sort of healthy "I love you and I want to buy you things I think you'd love and I want a good relationship with you" way. Quite a few of their gifts are inappropriate and a bit insulting.

I usually don't waste head space on it, it is just that the thought of something being delivered here put me in a tailspin.

I need a long term strategy.

Thanks for the comment, it is helpful and I found it validating! Much appreciated.

OP posts:
Original poster
amibeingunreasonablexxx · 08/02/2019 19:22

Ooh, I misread one of your paragraphs plain speaking. You are saying I could be seen as manipulative by my dc?

I doubt it. But I see what you mean.

OP posts:
Original poster
amibeingunreasonablexxx · 08/02/2019 19:28

OK, question, and this is the heart of the AIBU. In normal families, would a relative buy a subscription to a mag without checking with parent first? I see it as incredibly invasive but I am not sure how I'd feel if we had an ok relationship. I think it would still be a bit of a cheek. I wouldn't buy a subscription for anyone with talking to them first. AIBU?

OP posts:
Drum2018 · 08/02/2019 19:36

I bought a subscription for FIL and didn't ask him first. He was happy with it. I don't see it as being intrusive in a normal situation. But any gift in your situation is out of order when this person has no relationship with you and your kids. I'd intercept the magazine and put it into the recycling. We only had to give gifts away twice before our NC sil stopped buying. I'd say she was raging when she heard we'd given them to charity, but we didn't hear from her again so didn't care.

Somethingsmellsnice · 08/02/2019 19:36

In answer to tour question in a normal family yes a family member might by a subscription without asking the parent especially if they had an actual relationship with the child knew what their interests were and knew they would enjoy it.

Somethingsmellsnice · 08/02/2019 19:37

your and buy

Snowmaggedon · 08/02/2019 19:38

This is the big problem when your dealing with toxic person you get dragged down to their level.

Then you have to be carful as the child will, maybe see them as adult.

We have toxic situation and I try to get round it by keeping contact but very low so they can't say... Cut off never saw you..

PlainSpeakingStraightTalking · 08/02/2019 19:42

If you know the person and you now they would like it ie they go to the corner shop and buy it monthly, then a subscription is a nice thing.

What your relative is doing is gaining entry to your private space ie home, by default. It is deliberately invasive.

How to deal with it; its not threatening, its not harassment, it's not stalking until you specifically tell them to stop. As I read It, at the moment you are low contact, not no contact. You might have to burn that bridge and go no contact. That in its self opens up another set of problem - usually a funeral where you are both expected to attend.

What do other relatives think?

WinterfellWench · 08/02/2019 19:46

It would help if you said what relative it is.

MiceSqueakCatsMeow · 08/02/2019 19:59

It's to demonstrate that they can still 'get' to you. Classic way of targeting you through the child. They want to do it 'for the child ' and you are so mean that you won't let them. Boo hoo, poor them. Do you see what I mean? And the child will then want to see them and you will say no etc. That's what they hope for and tell people. It didn't work when my abusive parents tried to do it to my dc.

Original poster
amibeingunreasonablexxx · 08/02/2019 20:39

It is along the lines of a step parent.

I have calmed slightly and have thought up a plan which is not direct rejection. I am worried about saying it here in case they read mumsnet. I am worried about what they would do if I went all out NC.

When I was in my twenties they went through a phase of phoning when they knew my then fiance would pick up, promising him delicious food as they knew he loved delicious food, getting him to agree to a date for dinner, putting me in the position of bad person saying no. If I had turned up it would have been a continuous stream of put downs and mockery. My fiance saw through it but put on the spot was hopeless at thinking up an excuse. I think if you live with people like that you master the art of game playing, even if by choice you'd rather not. I feel intense guilt for trusting them again when they said sorry, as they would invite us and then behave very coldly to dc. I don't normally swear but right now all I can think of is "fucking fuckheads".

I am trying to bring up dc to recognise manipulation and bad behaviour from people. One of my dc currently has a friend who picks them up and drops them, and they are currently working through how much pain it causes, we talk about it a lot, I encourage them to behave well to people, and to only choose as close friends people who treat them and everyone else well. It is hard though, many people like this are both very charismatic and needy (tugging at your heart strings) at the same time!

Sorry, a bit of an essay there. micesqueak if you had a strategy in relation to your dc I would be really interested to hear it.

OP posts:
Pinkyponkcustard · 08/02/2019 20:41

Thing is if you donated the gifts but didn’t tell the toxic person won’t they think that you accepted them and let your dc have them?

BertrandRussell · 08/02/2019 20:45

How do your children feel about the person?

Graphista · 08/02/2019 20:53

Half my family are toxic!

Tbqh the best way to deal with it would be nc and clarity.

If they're not even really a relative fuck em!

What trouble are you thinking they might cause? It tends to go one of 2 ways:

They don't do anything - all good

They do or threaten to do something that takes it into illegal territory at which point you make it clear if they even THINK of doing so you WILL take legal action against them. That stops most in their tracks and if it doesn't then you follow through and anyone who that doesn't stop you definitely need out of your and DCs life (and probably in prison) anyway.

Short term pain for long term gain really.

I'm vlc with my parents, nc with my sister.

When I first (this time) went nc with my sister she was telling mum who was telling me that she was gonna "come and batter my door down till she gives me a decent explanation"

She'd had an explanation and even if she hadn't she knew damn well why! I'd been very clear I wanted nothing more to do with her, wouldn't be contacting her, didn't want her contesting me or dd (although unbeknown to her I'd given dd the choice of staying in contact as she was late teens and I felt old enough to decide herself. Her response? Nah! Can't stand her and about time you binned her)

I simply said to mum that if she did that I'd have no choice but to call the police on her (and mum knew I would have, I'd already reported her for 2 assaults and I was done!)

Mum then assured me that she'd told her this and she wouldn't be round. (It was put calmly to me but I suspect mum had to be quite stern with her and tell her to fucking grow up and leave me and it alone)

Difficult at the time for about a week but the peace since is awesome!

Original poster
amibeingunreasonablexxx · 08/02/2019 21:00

pinkyponk I am not sure what they think. They would have to be crazy to think I'd welcome presents from them. Some of the presents are truly awful. Do you think that what I am doing is wrong?

OP posts:
winterisstillcoming · 08/02/2019 21:00

Are you in a position to let them know that you don't think it's appropriate for them to send gifts, and no gifts will be passed on including the magazines? I'm guessing they've sent the magazines because they are suspicious that the gifts are not being passed on.

Or are they using the gifts to try and engage you in dialogue? If that's the case, send them a note stating the above so they can't reply.

Original poster
amibeingunreasonablexxx · 08/02/2019 21:11

graphista I wouldn't hesitate to go NC if it weren't for fear that dc would get caught in crossfire and drama. It is possible that they would do nothing but I am not sure I can take the risk. Unfortunately it is a bit more complicated than step parent, and I don't really want to go into details, but there are reasons why I have gone for LC rather than NC.

I doubt they'd do anything illegal in a criminal sense, any claim against them would be more along the lines of defamation I think!

OP posts:
Pinkyponkcustard · 08/02/2019 21:13

No no op not at all. I’m just wondering if the toxic person realises you don’t pass the presents on hence the magazine subscription? Flowers

MiceSqueakCatsMeow · 08/02/2019 21:44

I was honest with them, but age appropriate. Sadly I had lots of incidents to choose from. I explained that their behaviour is abusive with examples of what they were doing and what is normal. I explained that they couldn't see them anymore because their behaviour was upsetting them. They started targeting my dcs so ultimately they made the choice for me.

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