Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To expect my 8 year old DS to not eat with his hands anymore?

82 replies

LittleBoot · 04/07/2007 10:09

I screamed and shouted and ranted at him this morning.

Honestly, I have tried everything. Star charts for eating nicely. Ignoring it when he uses his hands as maybe it's a way of winding me up. Praising his sister (5) for using her cutlery and ignoring that he isn't using his. Ranting. Joking. Disappointment. Threats. Promises. Rewards. Sanctions.

Nothing has worked, what am I doing wrong? How do I get him to use his cutlery as a default?

OP posts:
Original poster
LittleBoot · 04/07/2007 13:24

But I've been backing off, honestly I have. I mostly ignore it. Really, most of the time my main way of dealing with it is to pretend it's not happening. I just completely ignore it. (This morning was an aberration.) And it looks like it's not working. I just wonder how long I should give totally ignoring it, before I decide that doesn't work?

OP posts:
Original poster
LittleBoot · 04/07/2007 13:25

No KL, I haven't tried that one.

Maybe I will.

I don't really feel comfortable about depriving him of food though!

OP posts:
Speccy · 04/07/2007 13:37

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
LittleBoot · 04/07/2007 13:39

LOl

Sorry speccy have we freaked you out with our table manners obsession?

OP posts:
katelyle · 04/07/2007 13:42

Don't leave - Speccy, tell me why not!

barney2 · 04/07/2007 13:59

If I were you I'd provide him with a meal, if he refuses to use cutlery etc I'd take the meal away and suggest to him that if he can use cutlery he can have his meal back. If not he can go to school/bed hungry. No child would willingly go without a meal. But you've obviously got to make sure he has no access to food afterwards. I'd do this is the most calm cool way and not lose your rag over it.

barney2 · 04/07/2007 14:01

I must admit I draw the line at kids using their hands to eat spag bowl - now that is messy...!

saffy202 · 04/07/2007 14:31

DS2 is 8, thin and fussy and eats with his hands Not sure what happened to him because ds1 always uses a knife and fork. He also pulls everything he eats apart with his hands and eats the most tiniest particles.

Unfortunately I don't have any answers but am hoping by the time he is a man he may have grown out of it

Zazette · 04/07/2007 14:42

The best bit of advice my MIL ever gave me was not to turn eating into a site of power struggles, because a) unless you resort to suffragette-style force-feeding OR taking your kids' food away by force you can never win - and let's face it who would want to abandon their dignity and self-control to the extent of resorting to those tactics; and b) you would be storing up eating-disorders-type problems for the future.

It clearly already is a power struggle in your house LittleBoot. I guess you need to work out how to defuse it. The answer to that is probably more complexly tangled up in your broader relationship with your ds than just being about mealtimes, I would guess.

Original poster
LittleBoot · 04/07/2007 14:54

Looks like there's no easy answer to this one, I had kind of hope that someone else would have had the same issue and found a miracle cure!

Thanks to all of you who offered constructive suggestions, I will have a chat to DS about it today to see what we can come up with as a plan.

If I find the miracle cure I will come back and share it with you!

OP posts:
NineUnlikelyTales · 04/07/2007 14:57

LittleBoot I don't think YABU at all in expecting your 8 year old to eat with a basic regard to table manners. I don't agree with the school of thought that says you can eat like a pig in your own home as long as you eat nicely in public. We still wash, clean our teeth and keep our homes to a reasonable standatd even if we're not going out/expecting guests. It's about having decent manners as default rather than just for best.

But as to what the hell you do about it, I'm afraid I haven't a clue Maybe draw up a minimum acceptable conduct agreement between you and firm sanctions for when he crosses the line, every time? He does seem to have got a lot of control over the issue.

SweetyDarling · 04/07/2007 15:03

Does he understand why it is important? I have seen people tested on their table manners in the job interview process, and would never go out with someone (more than once) if they had horrible manners.
Is there anything you could take away from him (or similar neg consequence) for bad behaviour at the table?

bozza · 04/07/2007 15:13

LittleBoot I totally understand where you are coming from. Unfortunately I am a bit short of advice. But I would not tolerate an 8yo eating spag bol with his fingers. TBH I would not tolerate that from my 3yo. DS is 6 and I expect him to eat with a knife and fork for meat and veg type meals, although I do allow fork and spoon for spag bol (after all that is what they give you in an Italian restaurant), curry and rice etc. DS is fairly rubbish with his knife TBH and I think I should have given him one earlier - 3yo DD now has a full sized knife and fork at meals.

Speccy · 04/07/2007 16:10

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Speccy · 04/07/2007 16:12

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

geekgirl · 04/07/2007 16:21

ooh, this really annoys me with dd1, too (she's nearly 8). She makes such a mess and can't work out how to use her knife and fork together - considering her younger sister with SN eats neatly with cutlery it really winds me up. She always makes a mess of her clothes too.

Haven't found a solution I'm afraid and don't want to bully her at mealtimes...(not too much anyway )

NineUnlikelyTales · 04/07/2007 16:58

Speccy I didn't read all the posts and I wasn't referring to you or anyone specifically...just a turn of phrase, no offence meant

Original poster
LittleBoot · 04/07/2007 18:23

I've just served the following meal:

Piece of salmon steak
Portion of boiled basmati rice
Corn on the cob
Carrots and runner beans

He started off with fork, and very quickly moved to fingers. He has eaten basmati rice with his fingers.

I ignored it. But I've been ignoring this for at least 3 years (the time at which I felt he should have made an effort ot eat with cutlery).

I remember being taught to eat with a knife and fork in the summer holidays before starting school at the age of 5. So it was just about when he was five, that this started to be an issue for me. 3 years later, mostly trying the ignoring tactic, it's still an issue. I just think ignoring isn't working.

Should I shut up now?

OP posts:
barney2 · 04/07/2007 18:33

Did you say anything when he began using his fingers to eat the rice?

Original poster
LittleBoot · 04/07/2007 18:40

No, just ignored it.

(didn't notice at first, then noticed and ignored as usual.)

OP posts:
iota · 04/07/2007 18:44

my fussy skinny 8 yr old likes to eat with his finger as well. Unfortunately 99% of the stuff he eats is dry food and is ideal finger food, so it is a hard habit to break.

Speccy · 04/07/2007 18:53

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ruddynorah · 04/07/2007 18:56

have you asked him why he eats with his hands? he might give you a reason that you can resolve. other than that i would explain what is expected then from the next meal remove his plate of food if he doesn't do what is expected.

also, i think it could get confusing and blur what you're trying to get him to do if you say certain foods can be eaten by hand, others can not. you may end up going the other way with him using knife and for for sandwiches.

personally i wouldn't be so worried, but it's obviously an issue for you.

barney2 · 04/07/2007 20:24

I personally think you've got a real problem here LB - I know I said earlier it wasn't an issue but now I know he uses his fingers to eat rice/spag bowl etc - if he were my child I'd be quite concerned and as a parent I wouldn't tolerate it. It would probably put me off my own meal.

I feel you should take his meal away from him and insist that unless he uses cutlery he goes without. Depravation works wonders with kids whether it be food, toys, pocket money etc.

duchesse · 04/07/2007 20:57

I'm thinking about the fine motor skills involved with eating bitty things that slide off your fork too easily. Maybe all these little boys are suffering from standard little boy underdeveloped fine motor system (really usual for little boys). Does he do anything like Knex or meccano or painting models that require fine manipulation?

I just asked my two miscreants why they preferred to use their fingers, and they said "because it feels nicer" (10yr old) and "because food tastes nicer without metal in the way". (I think that's hogwash and shortcut for "we're too lazy" personally, in the case of my two)