To expect my 8 year old DS to not eat with his hands anymore?

[LittleBoot]

I screamed and shouted and ranted at him this morning.

Honestly, I have tried everything. Star charts for eating nicely. Ignoring it when he uses his hands as maybe it's a way of winding me up. Praising his sister (5) for using her cutlery and ignoring that he isn't using his. Ranting. Joking. Disappointment. Threats. Promises. Rewards. Sanctions.

Nothing has worked, what am I doing wrong? How do I get him to use his cutlery as a default?

I know what you mean LB - I've had kids come over for tea after school and their table manners can be absolutely appalling - they are worse than my 3yr old BUT for the short time they are sat at my table I choose to ignore it. I'd much rather they ate the food I have bought, cooked and prepared than worry about how they actually get it into their mouths.

He will grow out of it - he is of an age where he will regularly test his boundaries and by the sounds of it he's winning.

It may not be a 'little thing' to you but I'm sure it is to him.

A bit of punctuation midnightmagpie, please.

I don't call my DS a savage actually.

And no, just at this precise moment in time, I haven't got anything better to worry about, that's why I'm posting about this particular issue.

When I've got something better to worry about, I'll let you know.

LB -.... "I really hate bad table manners".... you've said it all really. You hate bad manners, he knows you do....hence why he does it. Simple.

No F T got a 31month old why do you ask

Well LB i'm pleased for you it must be a very reasurring position to be in if thats the case you dont really have any problems at all do you

When I had a 31 month old I didn't care about his table manners either.

MM....LB felt she had a problem, hence why she posted. This site is here for anyone regardless of what they want to talk about no matter how large or small. You've not exactly helped have you?

...there's a big difference between a 31 month old and an 8yr old where table manners are concerned!!!

I totaly see where you are comming from but as you've said you have ranted raved and basicly caved your brain in over this maybe you should give yourself a break, you have given a few reasons yourself why you should back off, fussy eating and weight so why dont you it sounds to me the only approach you havn't tried

Have you got an 8yr old MM?

I don't think it's at all unreasonable to expect/want an 8 year old to use cutlery rather than fingers. This winds me up too with my 6 year old DDs.

It's an important thing to learn - my DH recently had an 18 year old apprentice who couldn't use a knife and fork .

mm you obviously haven't read my original post.

I said quite clearly I've tried ignoring it and I quote

"Ignoring it when he uses his hands as maybe it's a way of winding me up. Praising his sister (5) for using her cutlery and ignoring that he isn't using his"

Most of the time, I ignore it. Most of the time. This morning I didn't, which is why I am posting about it.

I must be incredibly up tight and oldfashioned! I just wouldn't let either on my two eat with their fingers if it's a "knife and fork"sort of meal at the table. Pizza in front of the telly or chips on the beach are different of course. I would just say very calmly "If you don't use your knife and fork, you may leave the table, but there will be no more food this evening" And I would carry it through - although I would make sure that the fruit bowl was full. He may be thin and fussy, but he's not going to starve himself - it would hurt him to miss a meal or two. Don't engage, just remove the child from the table and carry on the meal with the other child, maybe offering a particularly delicious pudding. I think manners are hugely important, and learning to eat in a way that doesn't look awful to other people is a big part of learning how to take a place in the world. JMHO - rant over.

But speccy I do care.

Am I unreasonable to care?

Seriously, I'm not being argumentative, I'm just wondering if it's OK for an eight year old to eat like this?

Does everyone find it acceptable? Would you all be happy if your children ate with their hands? When you see 8 year olds out with their parents eating with their hands for food which is generally served with cutlery, do you think that's OK? And at what age would you consider it unacceptable?

Well fingers did come before knives and forks didnt they ??

I wouldnt mind if dd used her fingers till she's 25, infact quite often me and df will eat with our fingers and dd will be trying her hardest to used her cutlery. i dont think it matters how you eat in your own home really as long as you can turn on the table manners when you are eating out !

eating is supposed to be a pleasure after all.

LittleBoot, I am with you on this one......but I think it's us against the world!!!!!!

Hmm yes you may be right.

I think I'll do the suggestion of having just one meal a week the formal one of having to use cutlery, not eat with mouth open etc. and have special pudding so it's not all effort, there's a reward too.

Don't people have bottom line stuff they really want their children to do? Like tidy away toys, go to bed on time, brush teeth, do homework before TV - whatever it is your particular obsession is? If your kids don't do them, do you just give up and accept they're not going to and as long as they can in theory, go with it?

I don't know, part of me thinks this is also about consideration for other people - if you know something you do gets on someone else's nerves, like farting, burping, picking your nose or whatever, then you shouldn't do it.

No i dont have my own 8yr old but i have worked with a wide range of children and as a by product their parents too, it is my experiance that when a child wont respond in a way that a parent would like they look to themselves and feel they are doing something wrong the point i was trying "badly" to make is that your boy very likly pulls it together in every other way and that you have guided him this far and done a good job you love him and though it may not always seem so, he loves you too, be happy for that, chill a bit and the rest will come if you dont want to remove him from the table you could try giving him food that is acceptable to be eaten with hands for a while and throw in a cooked meal here and there without comment and see what happens

I do have list of "bottom line" issues that I insist on. Table manners when eating at the table is one. Please and thank you is another. Not interrupting is another. No more that 1 hour screen time (unless special occasion, not well - something exceptional)No hitting, kicking or pinching. No swearing. Doing your share of household jobs. Coming to the table even if you don't want to eat. Answer when spoken to. I'm sure there are more - I might be back later!

Speccy that's the thing - he will try and eat fish pie, spag bol, etc. with fingers.

I just find it unacceptable and I want it to stop.

Carrots, bits of broccoli etc. - OK, that I can live with. But when it's stuff that's greasy, got sauce on it - why?

Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaargh!

Littleboot, have you tried taking the food calmly away and telling him to leave the table? He honestly won't starve if he misses a meal!