DS's dad wouldn't have him on a Saturday

[onesiei]

So my DS's dad and I have just split. I don't want DS having any overnight stays with his dad as it stands until he gets his own place as I wouldn't feel comfortable sending DS to his dads mums.

When we split, he made a point of saying he's not just going to be having DS on Saturday's just so I can 'go out' and 'do whatever the fuck I want'. (For context, I'm someone who never usually goes out and a reason for the split was that he's over jealous, insecure and slightly controlling).

AIBU to think this is a bit ridiculous, when it does come to the time that DS can stay overnight, that'll it'll be in the week when I'm working and I won't get a weekend to myself unless DM has him, just because his dad is spiteful and doesn't want me going out?

I dunno, it sounds like it might be best if the ex doesn't have him at all! He sounds a horrible person.

With a decent father, yes a substantial amount of time together, some of it on a weekend, would be in the child's interests.

It's tough having dc with you all the time (I'm divorced and exh is always pulling out of his time with the kids). You do need a break but perhaps dc is better off with his grandma than with a man who says that sort of thing.

as it's a very hard situation you are in.

Then your reply is of course you don't expect him to babysit (as that's how most men regard looking after their own dc), you are in the process of recruiting a babysitter.
And don't get into a discussion about the matter.

End of. Do not give him scope to control your life by assuming you personally will be relying on his favours.

Not clear whether he is saying no to Saturdays in general, or only if he can have DS overnight.

What is wrong with his grandmother's house? Unless there are safeguarding issues you are both BU. He should facilitate contact but he is also a parent and has a say in where he takes his son.

I think that the split is still new and he might well be reacting to the pain of it. It sounds to me like he's just lashing out.

As you don't want him to have overnights now anyway I think you should focus on yourself. He might well be more reasonable when he's in a position to have him overnight and if not you can fight the battle then.

@Hereward1332 I think there's safeguarding issues for sure, obviously DS's dad disagrees but I stand by the fact that I'd be uncomfortable knowing the stuff I do.

(as that's how most men regard looking after their own dc),

No, that's how some men regard looking after their DC.

You both are trying to control the other, why can't your DC stay overnight and his DGM? It looks as if you're happy

If you can't agree contact it will ultimately end up in court and the usual outcome will be EOW plus one mid week overnight so just ignore all his bluff etc, stay grey rock.

In a year or so things will hopefully be more settled. Do not agree to him every weekend otherwise you will get no quality time with your DS. Every Sunday isn't going to work...

'don't worry, I have other people I can rely on to have him at the weekend, it's really not an issue'

He wants a reaction. Don't give him the satisfaction.

If you don't want your son to have overnights at his then you should be happy about the no Saturday nights thing . You can always renegotiate when he's older. Is he likely to sort out his own home quickly?

In my experience contact arrangements have to change as children get older and parents may have changed working patterns. For example for a young school aged child, weekday contact might be impossible because of the early bedtime where as a pre-schooler can be out and about all day with a parent who has the weekday off.

When he has a home of his own you could always go down the road of telling him how lucky you are to have every Saturday night and see if he tries to annoy you by asking for Saturday night 😈

How old is your DS?

Does your ex want 50/50? Is he eager to be a fully involved equal parent? Has he been that while you were together? Is he pushing for overnight?

Or does he actually just want to use your mutual child to stop you having a social life/ meeting anyone else/ as a way to control you?

Your ex shouldn't have all the power and you all the responsibility. Decisions about contact should be in the best interest of the child. It isn't up to your ex alone when he has the child, it has to be first and foremost what is best for the child, and after that the fathers wants don't outrank yours, he doesn't get to dictate no Saturdays so as to control your life - equally he doesn't sound much of a father if he's not keen on weekend contact with his son because it's more important to use him to block you from going out! Perhaps it's a blessing you wont have to cooparent!

Paying a babysitter or grandparents babysitting sounds infinitely preferable to being at the mercy of someone who wants to use your son as a pawn in a power and control game - terrible for your son as well as you, and gives your son little chance of growing up emotionally stable.

If he does want contact mediation sounds essential!

We get on fine, he's excellent with helping/sharing the childcare of DS (who is 2). He's very reliable and would want to keep going at a 50/50, and he's not pushing for overnight too much as he knows that I won't budge on not allowing DS to stay at his mums and he understands it from my POV. He should be getting his own place in about 8-9 months when he's finished his degree and saved up.

I can't deny he's a good parent. The problem in our relationship was the lack of trust and the fact he didn't particularly like me going out and having a social life, and it just seems frustrating that he's able to exert a level of control on my life even after we've split (for this reason!)

I am struggling to see how he can refuse to have his child. I never understand this about couples who have split. You are still a responsible parent, so if the other parent needs/wants to do something on a particular day, you look after your child(ren) in the same way you would if you were still together.

I could have written this myself OP. My ex was terrified at the thought of me actually being able to go out after years of him controlling me. He would pick DD up on a Saturday morning and drop her off just after dinner. He eventually settled down and became more reasonable. No advice, sorry, just venting about people who think they can continue to control someone even after they’ve split

'Well, we'll see how it all works out when we finalise arrangements. But thank you for the advance notice that I will be arranging a babysitter for when I go out on Saturdays'.

Why does he get to say he should be free to do what he wants on a Saturday but it's unacceptable for you?

I think its very controlling of you to say he cant have his children over night. No wonder he is pissed off.

@Walkingdeadfangirl I disagree with it and like stated before, he understands my reasons why. There's a lot of safeguarding issues and I wouldn't feel comfortable with him being in that environment. It's not controlling, it's putting my child's wellbeing first!

If he is otherwise reasonable, I think I'd just calmly accept what he says, and ignore the temptation to say "Oh, it's fine, the dungeon I use has a creche".
It sounds like he is just lashing out at you. He will either change his mind when he has his own place, or you will have worked out arrangements that suit you. At the moment it doesn't really matter, because he can't do overnights anyway.

I love these no reaction comments. They’re going to drive him insane! The more you don’t react the less controlling he will be.

(For context, I'm someone who never usually goes out and a reason for the split was that he's over jealous, insecure and slightly controlling).

The constant gripe of controlling men, once they've split from their children's mother, is that having children at the weekend means they're babysitting. Ignoring the fact that the woman has all the difficult times in the week.

If he has the child at the weekend his mother will do the looking-after anyway, he won't. He's just trying to prevent you making any kind of social life for yourself.

My ex tried that. He would pick the DC up on Saturday morning, bring them back Saturday evening. Then repeat on the Sunday.
I mentioned it to my solicitor who wrote his solicitor a letter and from then on he had them from Saturday morning until Sunday evening.
He was an abusive controlling arsewipe, which is why I divorced him.

It is early days. He is venting and feeling hurt and worried ( it seems he fears being replaced)
Continue to be calm and measured, and reasonable. Especially as he seems to want to be a good parent.
Organise your dm or a babysitter in the meantime so you can do whatever you please during the weekend. Avoid relying on him for favours.

Stand by your decision re overnights if there are safe guarding issues. Your child’s well being rightly comes before everything.

Avoid relying on him for favours.

^^ this

I don't want DS having any overnight stays with his dad as it stands until he gets his own place as I wouldn't feel comfortable sending DS to his dads mums.

Whats wrong with his grandmother.

TBH does your Ex have PR ? because you don't get a say in where he takes him, who he chooses to get as his baby sitter.

He needs to start to accept the realities of not being in a relationship. I think the word ‘babysitter’ is appropriate when dealing with him about this point because he is conflating two separate issues.
The first issue is access arrangements for his son and the second is your social like. His point of view is relevant to the first issue and nothing to do with the second one.
It’s important to stay polite and try to separate the two things without being drawn into a discussion with your ex which implies he has any input here. What you do when your son is with him is not his business and he is simply not entitled to know about it. Be noncommittal and refuse to get into discussions about it. If asked what your plans are “I haven’t decided yet, I’m quite tired” anything that is non-specific. He isn’t entitled to the details of your life anymore.

Perhaps try and stick to a line like “I want our son to have a good relationship with his father and a routine that makes him feel safe. My social life is a completely separate issue and I would not expect you to be involved in it in anyway now that we are no longer together”. It’s much less confrontational than saying “it’s not your business”, but it makes the same point.
Really, seriously, detaching from a relationship when you have to keep communicating constantly because you share a child, is a long, difficult process but you need to politely and firmly resist attempts from him to get details about your life. If it’s not about your child then he doesn’t get to know. Bat it away with an “I don’t know yet” or similar. You need to establish your separateness. - but he sounds a bit combative so keep it light and maybe don’t post social life details on social media. Keep your business yours. Good luck.