DS's dad wouldn't have him on a Saturday

[onesiei]

So my DS's dad and I have just split. I don't want DS having any overnight stays with his dad as it stands until he gets his own place as I wouldn't feel comfortable sending DS to his dads mums.

When we split, he made a point of saying he's not just going to be having DS on Saturday's just so I can 'go out' and 'do whatever the fuck I want'. (For context, I'm someone who never usually goes out and a reason for the split was that he's over jealous, insecure and slightly controlling).

AIBU to think this is a bit ridiculous, when it does come to the time that DS can stay overnight, that'll it'll be in the week when I'm working and I won't get a weekend to myself unless DM has him, just because his dad is spiteful and doesn't want me going out?

*social life, not like

What you are saying does not really add up. If he is such a great dad and wants to manage child are 50/50 then what are the ' lots of safeguarding' issues. How will he do 50/50 if he has no accomodation for 9 months?

@vdbfamily there's safeguarding issues in his family home (where he's living) but not with him. He wants to do 50/50 but clearly will be more like 60/40 or 70/30 until he gets his own place and runs a family home himself.

I wish people would stop telling her she has no say in where her ex takes their son, she's clearly said he understands her point of view and has agreed to not have him overnight at his mother's place.
OP, if he really wants to be a good dad, I think he'll settle down to every other weekend. Give it time. But don't rise to him. His dislike of you having a social life is no longer your problem. And thank goodness for that!

I suspect those so keen to be authoritarian or punitive and scold or "teach" the mother that they must surrender utterly to the whims of the men they've been bold enough to leave and consequently "have no say" in whether their children's father puts their children into an unsafe situation, have agendas of one sort or another.

Then your reply is of course you don't expect him to babysit (as that's how most men regard looking after their own dc), you are in the process of recruiting a babysitter.
And don't get into a discussion about the matter.

THIS ^

What April says.

Let him know that if you want to go out, you'll sodding well go out, and that you don't need his permission or help to do it.

He's a vindictive controlling twat. Let him sweat.

I would get a babysitter and go out after he drops DS back, don’t make a secret of it. Hevcabt keep controlling you

Or does he actually just want to use your mutual child to stop you having a social life/ meeting anyone else/ as a way to control you?

DSis ex would suddenly not have DN or return early - usually if there was any hint DSis might be doing something - even work related or basic food shopping.

Our DP had to step in a lot so she could do things when DN was due contact even hanging round Dsis place so there was someone in if she was dropped of very early. It went for a while but as soon as it became obvious DSis wasn't being affected it petered out.

You might be better relying on your Mum for a break.

Ohhhh I had that. He'd see ds mid-week (collect from creche, take him home, but wanted me back as soon as he was in bed, c7.30pm). He made such a big deal out of it. I realised relying on him for anything (including a bit of headspace one evening a week) was just not worth it. He wasn't going to babysit for my social life. Roll eyes.

It sounds like the situation will change and he may well want overnights when he has a place etc. I'd just bide your time. If you're going through court for access etc they'll take a dim view of his opinion. Now you can't make him see his child but if he does want to have him overnight then it will almost inevitably end up being at a weekend.

One of the hardest things I found in a split where a child is involved is if you discover they will not prioritise your child, and that they do not give a shit how wretched your life or health become because you're carrying the full responsibility for that child.

So he wants 50/50 but doesnt want you to have any actual time to yourself because he wants to control where you are and who your able to see and what you can do in that spare time. Wow you made the right decision to split thats for sure.

Put it to him where you share out the weekends as thats the fair thing to do. By the time hes able to do these overnight stays he will probably have calmed down anyway and will be more reasonable.

If he tries controlling the days he sees your son and its unfair just respond with sorry that doesnt work for DS it needs to be consistent and the same everyweek, he needs a decent amount of time with you not just a couple of hours on an evening and i deserve a break just as much as you do since i work X hours a week.

Arrange a babysitter a few times a month and show him you have no plans to be controlled by him. Get your social life back, take back what he took from you.

Also you should probably inform him that its absolutley none of his business what you choose to do in your spare time, call him out on his controlling behaviour and do it by text so you have evidence