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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

I love them all the same

35 replies

Tracybarlow67 · 07/02/2019 22:42

Not an aibu but I really need some advice.

I’ve been with dh for 6 years. Lived together for 5 and been married for 2. He had 2 dd’s when we met who are now 9 and 10. They have always lived with him as their mum died shortly after dd2 was born. We also now have 7 week old twins.

I have always treated them both exactly the same, they both call me mum (their request not mine). I make sure I always spend the same amount of time with each of them, spend the same on them at Christmas and birthdays. Lately dd1 has been complaining to dh that I’m mean to her and don’t want to spend time with her but I’m finding it to be the other way around. She’s permanently attached to her iPad which we do limit to 3 hours a day but all she does is complain that she wants it. I invited her to come swimming with me and dd2 on Saturday which she declined then when we came home she was crying in her room because I went without her. She had a major flip out yesterday because my mum had to pick them up from school as I had a doctors appointment (usually she loves my mum but made a massive deal about pick up yesterday).

I will admit I do have more in common with dd2 especially lately, she will happily hold one of the babies while I’m feeding the other one or if I put them in the pram she will walk them round the garden and she loves helping me in the kitchen. Dd1 literally has no interest in the babies and we have drifted apart but I still think I treat them the same and try to include her with everything. Dh keeps asking me to make more of an effort with her but I dont know what to do?

OP posts:

Dontbesogross · 07/02/2019 22:47

I do think that 3 hours is a massive amount of screen time - a day?! So let’s say home from school at 4, homework, dinner.. surely that’s the whole evening taken by ipad time? I think the first thing you need to do is cut that down -it’s obviously an issue to you which is why you’ve mentioned it above.
Kids want lots of different things but I’m sure you wouldn’t say yes to extra pocket money or sweets and cola at bed time? Be strong and say no! If she thinks she can have things just because she wants them - you’re going to grow a disrespectful and needy teenager/ adult

pantyclaws · 07/02/2019 22:49

You sound lovely.

My guess is she's jealous of the babies and struggling with the divide in your attention. And probably also struggling with feeling jealous of babies in itself when she thinks she "shouldn't".

Maybe acknowledge it's hard having two more children in the house for her. That life with babies or their routine isn't always fun.

Is there anything she wants to do, rather than invite her to do something you already planned with her sister?

Could you manage some one on one time?

Dontbesogross · 07/02/2019 22:49

Also though... She’s probably finding it hard because the babies are getting a lot of attention and she isn’t. Babies aren’t everyone’s ideas of fun - especially at 10 years old so she’s just pushing the boundaries and seeing what she can get away with

AtrociousCircumstance · 07/02/2019 22:51

She feels rejected by you. A bit abandoned, because of the twins. Neither fair nor rational but quite a normal reaction. DD2 is doing the classic second child thing - more vigilant to the needs of adults, more eager to actively bridge towards them and their needs (ie helps you with the babies becuase the babies are your focus).

Just hear that in mind - she feels dropped and is acting like it. You just need to stay consistent and stay with her and maybe a bit of time just the two of you.

TwitterQueen1 · 07/02/2019 22:54

I suspect this is quite simple. DD1 is fast approaching puberty and is a preteen learning how to be a gobby, awkward, stroppy, shouty teenager.
DD2 is still a little girl who loves helping out.

Maybe have a chat with DD1 about hormones and moods and how it's all normal?

BUT it's not fair of your DH to put this on your shoulders at all. I don't believe for a second that you've suddenly started acted differently. HE is the one who needs to make more of an effort - not you. Maybe you should have the same chat with him about hormones and teenagers. Don't let him blame you.

TwitterQueen1 · 07/02/2019 22:56

sorry if 'simple' sounds dismissive... it's not meant to be!

VampirateQueen · 07/02/2019 22:59

Try talking her out on her own for the day, or for a couple of hours if you can't manage a full day. Try and sit down with her and talk to her, tell her you love her, that you are sorry she feels the way she does and ask her why she feels that way, to help you to understand and so you know how you can make it better. At 10, hormones could be playing a big part in it, I know I started puberty at that age, it could also be due to the new babies in the house, as you say the younger DD enjoys spending time with them and she my then see this as her being pushed out, maybe try to include her more, not big things at first but asking her of she would like to help pick the twins outfits for the day, make her feel her opinion is important. That's what I did with my 3 year old, whilst I was pregnant, i let her pick out outfits to buy and would so her opinion on which outfit out of 2 to put on the baby to make her feel more included.

Yesicancancan · 07/02/2019 22:59

You have done nothing untoward from what you say here, she sounds
Hormonal
Insecure due to birth of the twins
Love her, reassure her, find something she likes instead of expecting her to join in with what you are doing. Which must be extremely difficult given the circumstances.
Congratulations and I hope you dp is supporting you to support her.

Yesicancancan · 07/02/2019 23:00

3 hours per day iPad time is way too much, how does she have ti for anything else? She will become dependent on it to entertain her and unwilling to do anything else.

Whatsnewpussyhat · 07/02/2019 23:00

She probably thinks you won't be interested in her now you have your babies.

It's not your fault.

MamaWeasel · 07/02/2019 23:43

Could it be that she is afraid that you, too, will die now that you have had a baby?

HeddaGarbled · 07/02/2019 23:51

Oh for goodness sake - you have 7 week old twins! I’m amazed you’re still able to think straight, let alone deal with all this. Maybe your H could make more of an effort with her instead of criticising you right now, the thoughtless git.

Seriously, the arrival of the babies is like someone’s just thrown a bomb into the family. It’ll take a while for the dust to settle.

Original poster

Tracybarlow67 · 08/02/2019 00:03

Dontbesogross - 3 hours screen time is only at the weekends, she doesn’t use it in the week at all as we usually watch a movie before bed each night after homework and dinner.

OP posts:

Klopptimist · 08/02/2019 00:07

Not all females are enthralled by babies you know and DD1 needs to be given the opportunity to say that she finds it hard. Whatever she says, please don't come out with the "but they're your brother/sister, don't you love them" line. Empathise with her, understand that she might really hate the sound of crying (even though it is the only way they can communicate, it is still earsplitting if you aren't their parent) and let her know that she isn't going to be pushed out. Let DH take DD2 and the twins and spend some quality time with just you and her.

Original poster

Tracybarlow67 · 08/02/2019 00:09

I have offered to take her out just me and her, we used to go to the cinema once a month or so but she doesn’t want to go anymore. I’ve offered to take her shopping, swimming, ice skating or anywhere else she wants to go but she’s not interested.

OP posts:

Stardustinmyeyes · 08/02/2019 00:11

Oh dear this must be so hard for you, especially with newborn twins.
And it's so very sad that your stepdaughters mother died

EmeraldShamrock · 08/02/2019 00:24

You sound really lovely, you have been in their life since they are very young. I bet it is some jealously and her age, My DD aged 10 is really difficult lately, I have to step back and acknowledge it is her hormones, I had to go into the kitchen and count today.
It will pass, explain to DH it is hormones too as with my DD, I can bend over backwards and she'll kick off then over something minor. I believe it can last up to 6 years.
It is OK to have more in common with DD2. My DM has 3 DDs and I have always had the most in common with her.
Congratulations on the babies and please don't worry so much about DD1.

Rtmhwales · 08/02/2019 00:29

Are the new twins girls by chance? I wonder if she feels usurped and could feel especially more so if they're two new replacement girls.

Just keep offering to do things with her. Don't expect her to want to help out with the twins. Praise her and DD2 to DH in ear shot often. Ask her if there's any special thing she wants to do one on one (and DD2) while DH watches the twins. You're doing fine, and this will probably pass.

zzzzz · 08/02/2019 00:41

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MRex · 08/02/2019 00:52

Could she have been worrying through your pregnancy and now that you might die too?

Might she have started her period and because you were busy with the babies have not felt able to say so, but been stressed about it?

You sound like a lovely mum and I'm in awe that you are functioning like this with 7 week old twins. Perhaps it could help to show her a little vulnerability, just to tell her you're tired and you miss having a hug with her. To suggest she might be feeling quite neglected and jealous of how much attention the twins take up, to reassure her that's totally normal and to remind her of what you put here, that you love all your babies just as much as each other.

EmeraldShamrock · 08/02/2019 00:55

I agree, as trying as it can be keep loving her. Is a school counsellor available, she may need to talk about her DM and might feel guilty talking to you about it. My friend who is adopted always wanted to talk about her feeling about her birth mam, but feels guilty on her DM as her DM is great. I know it is not the same.
It is an awkward age, she's probably would benefit from talking to a child bereavement counsellor.

user1473878824 · 08/02/2019 00:58

Oh OP. Poor you. Don’t ask, just take her out. It sounds like she’s a moody preteen who is also probably feeling a bit threatened by “your” babies but can’t express it. Take her out to do something, maybe even just supper if you can so it’s like your grown up thing, and have a bit of reconnect. It sounds very hard for you x

Tavannach · 08/02/2019 00:59

A movie every night is still screen time.

EKGEMS · 08/02/2019 01:04

Is Dad making more of an effort or is it just all on you OP?

Original poster

Tracybarlow67 · 08/02/2019 01:08

Thanks everyone for the help.

The twins are boy/girl.

She has seen a therapist about her mum as she doesn’t like to talk about her much. She knows she committed suicide after a really bad battle with pnd after dd2 was born.

She seemed excited throughout my pregnancy and came to the 20 week scan then picked out little outfits for them to come home from the hospital in but hasn’t wanted anything to do with them since they have been born.

She’s become incredibly clingy. She used to love staying at my parents or my brothers to play with cousins etc. but now she wants to be with me and dh all the time and the other day she told dd2 dh didn’t love her (dd2) anymore because he has new kids to play with.

OP posts:

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