I love them all the same

[Tracybarlow67]

Not an aibu but I really need some advice.

I’ve been with dh for 6 years. Lived together for 5 and been married for 2. He had 2 dd’s when we met who are now 9 and 10. They have always lived with him as their mum died shortly after dd2 was born. We also now have 7 week old twins.

I have always treated them both exactly the same, they both call me mum (their request not mine). I make sure I always spend the same amount of time with each of them, spend the same on them at Christmas and birthdays. Lately dd1 has been complaining to dh that I’m mean to her and don’t want to spend time with her but I’m finding it to be the other way around. She’s permanently attached to her iPad which we do limit to 3 hours a day but all she does is complain that she wants it. I invited her to come swimming with me and dd2 on Saturday which she declined then when we came home she was crying in her room because I went without her. She had a major flip out yesterday because my mum had to pick them up from school as I had a doctors appointment (usually she loves my mum but made a massive deal about pick up yesterday).

I will admit I do have more in common with dd2 especially lately, she will happily hold one of the babies while I’m feeding the other one or if I put them in the pram she will walk them round the garden and she loves helping me in the kitchen. Dd1 literally has no interest in the babies and we have drifted apart but I still think I treat them the same and try to include her with everything. Dh keeps asking me to make more of an effort with her but I dont know what to do?

That explains a lot OP, in her head, the last time she had a sibling born, she lost her mum because of it. She's obviously terrified that she'll loose you too, so is veering between desperately clinging to you or pushing you away so it won't hurt as much to loose you. Poor thing is probably all over the place emotionally.
I'd say have a frank chat with her and tell her that this situation is not the same, that not all women get PND, you haven't and you absolutely will not be going anywhere, but you do miss her and would like to spend more time together. Let her take interest in the babies naturally as they get a bit older.

Poor kid. From your last post I agree with @babydreamer1, she's terrified that now she's going to lose you.

OP, also, the title of this thread makes me want to hug you x

Omg. I don't have much more advice. I just didn't want to read and run without bgivi g you a hug. I can't believe you are thinking about giving your dd 1 on 1 time while you have 7 week old twins. You are amazing. Keep loving her. Keep telling her she's fantastic. Keep the channels open. Definitely discuss it with school.....we have great therapy interventions at school - play therapy, drawing therapy, etc etc where kids are given space to talk through anything bothering them. This might help. 1 new baby let alone 2 is bound to change the family dynamics. Just keep going.

You are e wonderful mother x

This is a really hard time for her, OP. Her reaction is completely normal. Just carry on doing your best, she’ll come round eventually. Good luck with all of your little family!

What she said to DD2 is very telling. That’s what she’s worried about (for herself).

The poor kid. I seen your update how awful. I bet she is worried about you.
May I ask was her DM depressed prior to the pnd, I only ask as my DM tried it a few times, has had severe pnd and always had MH issues, I also suffer with depression and sometimes wonder if it is inherited or some learnt behaviours. I know when I was a preteen/teen I was all over the place.
Good luck anyway xx

She's a scared little girl. I think you just need to be consistently "there" for her, as you have been. She's pushing you away because she's terrified she's going to lose you too.

Keep on doing what you're doing, maybe see her GP for advice on whether further therapy would help around this time. And I'd try and keep up with the one on one time, she's saying she isn't interested, but her reaction says she wants to be with you, like with the swimming. Even a movie at home, baking a cake, or playing board games together would be nice.

You sound absolutely lovely . I agree with all the pp that I don't think it is anything you are / are not doing. 10/11/12 is a difficult age stuck between childhood and adulthood and that is without all your dd has been through before this.

If she likes screen time can you find a box set or something just for the 2 of you (girl time). My dd was bullied a bit around that age and one of the things we did was have 'big girl' time in the evening.

After I got ds to bed we would cuddle together on the sofa with some chocolate and watch our box set together. She is nearly 13 and we still do this now (We watch teen stuff that ds is too young for mostly is just silly, fluffy but it has brought up subjects which we have had some great chats about too).

It wouldnt hve been my choice of bonding activity but I have to say I have really got into some of the programs but mostly just enjoy the relaxed time together. Talking about our latest box set has often kept the channels of communication open through some of our more trying moments (our cycles synced when she started her period so we both had pmt at the same time - trying time doesn't even come close ).

Hope you get this sorted Op, I can imagine how worrying this must be for you.