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AIBU?

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Original poster

Gambling - no one talks about it

42 replies

Changedagain1112 · 07/02/2019 21:54

So have been watching Cleaning Up this evening. I don’t want to share too many details but dh has a serious serous gambling problem that is not dissimilar to what is shown on the show.

I believe that it’s probably far more common than anyone talks about, but never see anyone sharing stories. Am aibu to think that, while we talk about drink, drugs, dv, no one is speaking up acoustic the havoc it causes

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BrexitBingoGenerator · 07/02/2019 21:58

Apparently women who are in their thirties and forties make up a huge percentage of people who gambake online. I’d have never realised- you’re right, no-one talk about it.
I’m sorry about your husband- I hope things can get better for you.

BrexitBingoGenerator · 07/02/2019 21:59

Gambake Confused
Sorry I meant gamble- my phone is shit!

minipie · 07/02/2019 22:00

I reckon it’s the next big crisis waiting to happen. One day we will see it as crazy that online gambling was so freely available and even advertised. YANBU and hope your DH gets help.

AnchorDownDeepBreath · 07/02/2019 22:01

I see quite a lot of gambling related things - it could be age related (I'm 28) or because I have a few gambling apps?

I see a lot of adverts for support groups, when the fun stops stop, warning signs of an addiction, etc.

I'm sorry about your husband. Is he seeking help?

Etino · 07/02/2019 22:05

I’m so sorry.
It’s massively unreported and normalised. Yeeeears ago a play date Mum in Australia checked with me if it was ok for the dcs to play a strategy game involving chance, a bit like you’d check if a primary school child was allowed Coke. I had literally no idea what she was talking about. Australia has a massive gambling problem. Sadly we’re going the same way.

Drogosnextwife · 07/02/2019 22:09

My dp was the same for a long time OP. It made my life miserable for years. It has calmed down now and he has stopped chasing money so much but it was torture to live through and had a serious impact on my mental health because of the stress. I hope you get through it.

Bluesrunthegame · 07/02/2019 22:10

You are not being unreasonable, gambling is a huge problem in the UK and it poisons and destroys lives.

I lived in a naice London suburb, very middle class, and I was stunned when someone pointed out that there were 5 betting shops in our local shopping high street. I started looking out for bookmakers when I was out and about, and they are everywhere. Many people have a flutter on a big famous race, some people gamble occasionally or have a fun day at the races, but I don't think this is enough to support the sheer number of betting shops there are. There are now more opportunities to gamble and I think many more people than most of us realise are addicted.

I was once having a casual after-work drink with a colleague when he suddenly told me he was a compulsive gambler in a 12-step programme because he had nearly bankrupted his family through gambling. I was totally shocked, this was a devoted husband and father, although I had occasionally wondered why he and his high-flying career wife were still renting a tiny flat and never had any cash. He had stolen their savings many times to fund his gambling.

OP, I hope you can get through this. No one discusses this, and it is a tragedy for many families.

Drogosnextwife · 07/02/2019 22:18

He still to this day can't admit he had a problem though, bit it was a problem when he would spend his whole months wage in 10 mins, or steal money off his children and me, or borrow hundreds from family and friends and them try to take out pay day loans to pay it back. I still have to hide money from him, I have his bank card and lift his wages as soon as they go in, can't have a joint account, hide the bank and credit cards. No matter how much he tells me he won't do it, I can't trust that, and can't risk letting him ruin our lives all over again.
He actually told me that one time when he spent the whole months wage he was up 2 grand at one point and then lost it all again!

Original poster
Changedagain1112 · 07/02/2019 22:18

Thanks all for many kind words. My main fear is that many women like me have this as time bomb ticking under them (or men). When my dh admitted to me what was going on it was too late to save our house, our savings etc. I worry that it’s so much more preveland than anyone realises.

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IHaveBrilloHair · 07/02/2019 22:19

I saw a lot of it when I lived in Australia, I worked in pubs, though I believe they've massively clamped down.
A friend of mine has two sons in their early 20's who regularly go to the bookies.
I shouldn't be surprised really, but it's something I'd never think to do, I'm not sure that Dd17 would know straight away what the bookies is.
I suppose in my head it's an old man thing.

Original poster
Changedagain1112 · 07/02/2019 22:20

@drogosnextwife it’s had a huge impact on me too, and I’m so sorry you’ve had to go through that. Again I don’t want to say too much, but it seriously has impacted me - I’m not the same person I was. But then I guess not is my dh.

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Original poster
Changedagain1112 · 07/02/2019 22:22

@drogos - im the exact same.

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Original poster
Changedagain1112 · 07/02/2019 22:23

My issue isn’t so much the bookies - it’s the online casinos, bingo games etc -

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bettycat81 · 07/02/2019 22:34

I am another victim. I lost my marriage, my home and had to declare bankruptcy. I feel so alone. I don't think I will ever trust anyone, not even myself, again.

I did not have the addiction.

Original poster
Changedagain1112 · 07/02/2019 22:34

And I just think so many aren’t aware. For example - play candy crush?? Have you spend in buying coins? Online casino? How much are down? Online bingo- ditto. My dh is an extreme example (he was playing online roulettw at £500 a spin). But in think maybe too many unsuspecting peoples partners, spouses, children, parents etc may be completely in the dark (though of course I may be just a little paranoid).

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Original poster
Changedagain1112 · 07/02/2019 22:34

@bettycat - I am so so sorry.

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Original poster
Changedagain1112 · 07/02/2019 22:38

Glad I’ve name changed - but to be honest my youth was fairly wild and went out with and lived with someone addicted to heroin. I can honestly say that the gambling is worse.

Appreciate this makes me sound very different to who I am. I’m a very middle class surburbabite. My choice in men isn’t as awful as it sounds either - dh was fine for the first 9 years together but got very quickly addicted to online gambling around 3 years ago

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Drogosnextwife · 07/02/2019 22:43

I'm so sorry to both of you, it a horrendous thing to live with! I was lucky in the sense that our house is actually my house and only in my name, and he racked up so much debt in pay day loans etc before we met (all unknown to me, until after I had our ds, then family members and a friend decided to tell me) he couldn't get into debt that way. He did take the credit cards a few times when I was careless. I have had to cancel so many bank cards and credit cards it's laughable. The bank must think I'm an idiot.

MrsDeanWinchester75 · 07/02/2019 22:44

It's definitely not talked about enough.

My brother has lived on benefits for years out of choice, he doesn't want to work, he used to spend his time on his computer drinking and gambling with "pretend money" just for the thrill.
His ex sold their joint house last year and he was given just over 60k.
He blew the lot in a couple on months gambling online.

TinklyLittleLaugh · 07/02/2019 22:48

It’s a massive problem. DS1 is 25. His best mate has a very well paid skilled manual job and estimates to have gambled over £100k in the last 5 years, although he has won a good portion of that back. He has fallen into payday loans, considered suicide, it took a concerted effort by the friendship group to get him to admit his problems to his parents and get their support.

DD has dated lots of boys who gamble, just fritter away their student loan or their dole. My niece lives with a man who thinks nothing of spending a couple of hundred a week gambling.

It’s really a big problem with young people.

Original poster
Changedagain1112 · 07/02/2019 22:58

@tinkltlittlelaugh - that’s exactly it - £100k for. 25 year ish old! I wonder whether a different attitude to money now contributes as well

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Coppermine · 07/02/2019 23:26

I recently started matched betting (NOT recommended for people who struggle with gambling I believe) and it's scary how much the bookies hound you with offers. Day in, day out.

Also agree with PP that casino and bingo are the worst. I'm very controlled with the MB (I'm a numbers person anyway so if the numbers don't work, I don't do the MB) but I've found with casino even I've got caught up with the fun of it and wanted to wager more as felt 'so close' to a big win.

I can see just how easy it is for people to get sucked in, then start chasing the losses. I think there is a new law coming in about the slots ? In shops? Can only stake max £2 or something. But I think online must be worse than shops. Just too easy with a click of a button. You can put in your own restrictions but I imagine if you have a problem with gambling you would just go and override them anyway.

They even make it super easy to deposit money in the bookies. If you add a bet to your betslip and you don't have enough funds, all you need to do is add your 3 digit security code and click 'deposit and bet' and it's all done in one go!!

Scary stuff. I wonder if over the next ten years there will be more restrictions about the way they advertise and hook people in. Like the crack down on smoking.

Ollivander84 · 07/02/2019 23:28

@Coppermine definitely agree. I find slots addictive, bingo/betting/casino doesn't bother me so I stick with that. I find matched betting more strategic, and almost relaxing because it's about planning and numbers

Original poster
Changedagain1112 · 07/02/2019 23:49

Oddly I like playing poker online - I’m fairly good at it - and win more than I lose. However I must admit that, if dh hadn’t introduced me to it - it’s jot a world I would be aware of.

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WTFIsAGleepglorp · 07/02/2019 23:57

We've got betting shops where you'd normally expect supermarkets or other types of shops.

Local high street, out in industrial estates and so on.

There are ads all over the TV and radio for the National Lottery, Health Lottery, Postcode Lottery, online bingo, slots, Betfair and 'big name' apps.

I believe that advertising gambling should be restricted in the same way tobacco is.

A quick "When the fun stops, stop" at the end of the ad is just arse covering.