Gambling - no one talks about it

[Changedagain1112]

So have been watching Cleaning Up this evening. I don’t want to share too many details but dh has a serious serous gambling problem that is not dissimilar to what is shown on the show.

I believe that it’s probably far more common than anyone talks about, but never see anyone sharing stories. Am aibu to think that, while we talk about drink, drugs, dv, no one is speaking up acoustic the havoc it causes

Absolutely, it’s because it can be kept so secret very easily. It’s not going into the bookies anymore, it’s your life savings on a mobile phone, gone in 5 minutes. I had a problem and I have never told anyone, I promised I would stop when my DD was born and I have but the adverts everywhere a constant reminder. It’s absolutely terrifying how much you can lose so quickly and I expect it’s far more common than anyone realises.

@inapickle You’ve put it so succinctley. Ildoubt dh has ever entered a bookies in his life - but just downloaded (admittedly a fuckton) of apps, and quietly frittered away our life savings

That’s why I worry that there are so many out there who have no idea that partners, family members etc have any idea what’s going on.

I probably already said it upnthread by dh spent over £800,000 without ever setting a foot outside

I have a bone to pick with the When the fun stops, stop

It's utter drivel, I've just caned £70 which I probably can't afford but I'm still having fun.

Changed name for this.

DH has spent £53k since jan 28th in the casino....

He is a high earner but not high enough to sustain this obviously.

He sometimes comes home with 10/20/40k in 50£ notes but more often than not he loses everything

He has got progressively worse over the last 3 years.

He won't stop he won't listen to me.
It's really fucking hard.

I'm addicted to scratchcards. Spend between £10-20 a day on them. It's so easy as they're sold everywhere.
I started playing online scratchcards on national lottery and lost £500 over a few days. I've banned myself from them online but can't stop buying them from shops.

I think it's a real problem, it's more socially acceptable than ever before.

We got a new mortgage last year....did you know if you have evidence of belonging to gambling apps/pages/accounts it can impact your ability to get a mortgage? I didn't....but do now.

I also match bet. And have done very well out of that and casino stuff. But gambling is more socially acceptable than ever before and causes huge problems. My dh loves a flutter and I watch him like a hawk. I also don't tell him if I am doing casino stuff as he loves it. I understand the risk and the numbers and the methods. 99% of the population don't.

I have a separate email for mb stuff. The offers, texts and even phonecalls and postcards are relentless. The casino offers are ridiculous, 400% bonus up to 2k, £250 for £250, £500 for £500 etc. All designed to pull you in, then it's almost impossible to get out again.

I suspect that the only changes that will happen will be a tax impossed on online casinos.

For anyone who is struggling you can self impose a ban on every account you have. Its quite easy to do but obviously it doesn't stop you opening other accounts.

I'm a recovering gambler and agree that the biggest problem with a gambling addiction is that it has no outward symptoms (except the occasional mood swing but many of us may be prone to that anyway).

The ability to keep the addiction secret is the most dangerous part. Partners, friends and family can be blissfully unaware of one's gambling addiction until serious damage is done.

I strongly recommend the GamCare forum as a good place to start. It is a community of those with, and those affected by others, gambling addictions.

Common misconception is that gambling is mainly a male pursuit/problem. However, the problem is growing at a much faster rate amongst women. This is mainly due to daytime advertising, a more 'community' based sales pitch (and the fact that most of these companies original target demographic are going skint!).

The problem is that the govt so often leave industries to self regulate. they then have to step in years later to regulate and sort them out but meanwhile the damage to families and children has been done. I can only imagine the amount of resentment that there builds up when you know your partner has lost £800,000 of your money. It is an illness. gamblers think about it all the time to the exclusion of the rest of their life. I was really surprised a couple of years ago when I read on MN about people who play the odds and use the free bets to make themselves money. All these people assured me that they "knew what they were doing" "were very intelligent and understood the odds" "could stop if they needed to" I just remain really really cynical about this industry and how it promotes itself. if it was just about fun then why not restrict any bet to a maximum of 50p? it would still be fun to win wouldn't it?

@PussTine

"I bet you they do!"

Not targeting you but this is a good demonstration of the problem, it's not seen as a serious issue. You wouldn't tell an alcoholic to 'have a drink and forget about it'. Don't get me wrong, this isn't a criticism of you, just an observation that it isn't taking as seriously as other addictions.

My experience is that those who don't have first-hand experience of gambling addictions have a stereotypical idea of problem gamblers. In the same way as we stereotype alcoholics as blokes drinking cider on park benches or swigging cheap wine out of brown paper bags, we imaging gambling addicts as old boys in flat caps clutching betting slips in bookies.

Unfortunately, this image of addiction helps us convince ourselves that we are not at risk. I assumed (wrongly) that because I held down a good job, supported my family etc. that I wasn't a gambling addict. In the same way, I have a female friend who is a company director, is a good mum and, because of this, convinced herself that she wasn't an alcoholic because she didn't conform to the stereotype.

May I also be as brave to suggest that if gambling addiction affected an increased number of women and young people (as it is now doing) that it would be considered a more serious issue than if it's just an 'old man thing'.

P.S - For what it's worth, I think you should be able to joke about anything, that's the nature of jokes. Just using your comment to bounce my own opinion/experiences off

You are right about the stereotypes and its interesting that gambling adverts show people who in no way conform to that. so in a way they are showing that its not an old man thing. the image of lots of old men in the bookies isn't what gambling is these days at all. Its scares the hell out of me to be honest - how easy it is to lose everything. How many people are in poverty because of it?

I also worry about those that say its under control. is it really?

I always think it strange that the press seems to think gambling is the preserve of poor men throwing their money away in betting shops and FOBTs. Yet the real problem is that gambling is everywhere these days. It's online, its the myriad Lotteries and then the old bingo.

I particularly blame the lotteries for making gambling socially acceptable. Somehow, gambling is ok if it's for a good cause. No it isn't! It's just as addictive.

Apparently the number of 11-16-year-olds considered 'problem gamblers' has quadrupled in the last two years. www.theguardian.com/society/2018/nov/21/number-of-problem-gamblers-aged-11-16-rises-to-55000

@mummymeister

It's a horrible addiction (one that has blighted my life for years and from which I am now recovering).

In my experience, if somebody is in control of their gambling (and many people DO enjoy gambling without a problem) there will be ZERO secrecy.

Obviously, by its nature, secrecy can be hard to detect. However, if you know your partner (or whoever) gambles and you're worried there are signs you can look out for:

• Excessive phone-checking (particularly, for example, between 3-5pm on a Saturday when the football results are coming in).
• Regular inexplicable lateness coming home
• Excessive phone use in the evening. If you ask what they're doing and they're 'just playing a game' or get defensive, alarm bells.
• Coming to bed late or not at all or making excuses to get up in the night.
• Repeated 'bad days at the office' to excuse/disguise mood swings coming from gambling losses.
• Unspecified 'expenses' coming up which lead them to have no money. Lost wallets or 'I had a load of cash in my back pocket, it must have fallen out' excuses for being broke.
• A reluctance to spend money on normal, everyday things. Gamblers always like to ensure they have a 'pot' of gambling money to play with and will get a bit prickly when you suggest it is spent on other things.
• Any reluctance, when they do gamble, to tell you how financially involved they are (pub fruit machines are the worst for this)

There are other signs, and I'll post them as I think of them but, if you're worried about your partner's gambling then these are definitely worth looking out for.

Unfortunately, even if you do recognise a gambling problem in a loved one, it is them (and only them) who can take the decision to quit.