My mum is behaving badly

[KT84]

I've recently gone back into full time education and my mum offered to help out with DD who is 2. The issue I have is everytime I disagree with her she says she will stop helping out with DD.
This morning I have voiced a concern about a relative who my mum is very close to.She started shouting and crying saying she can't carry everything on her shoulders and myself and dh are bad people who she wants to fade out of her life and she doesn't care if she never sees us anymore.
Then the threat of I won't bother helping you with DD and then see where you are.
I'm in a placement and it's upset and stressed me so much I've come home rather than go in and started researching free nursery places. Unfortunately we are not entitled to this and we can't afford to pay.
I apologised at the time as I wasn't trying to be nasty but I'm not sure what to do.
This has happened a few times before when we've had a different opinions on things she gets huffy and makes threats. I feel like I have to tiptoe around her and now Its starting to jepordise my future.

What did you say about the relative - was it a suggestion that DM should be doing more to help? No point complaining about relative or anyone else if you don't want to fix it.
Your DM sounds stressed - is she up to watching DD?

Not enough information to say too much but if your comments where adding to your mums stress and pressure to please everyone then I have some sympathy for her.

What you need to remember is she is doing you a massive favour by helping with childcare

No it was something myself and dh had both observed separately, it's a personal issue so don't want to say too much.
I was mentioning it in case there was anything I needed to do.
I'm not sure to be honest I always ask if she is OK watching DD and she says yes, if she's not she could tell me and I would have to see what else we could do. She never tells me,When things are wrong so not sure how I can help.
It's the threats and nastiness I'm struggling with.

It doesn't really matter what was said - she is emotionally blackmailing you - your only option is alternative child care, then she cant hold you to ransom

Well I'm not sure I agree with PPs... I wouldn't like if in an argument or discussion or something my mum doesn't like she throws it out there that she won't look after my DD. It's like a threat isn't it that comes out when she's not happy. It would make me want to sort something else

Can't you get tax credits towards childcare

I agree sirzy it's a massive help and she does a fantastic job. Like I say she can talk to me I just don't like the threats.

And, always have a back up plan, because even if your mum was ok and you had no issues, there is always ill health, accidents, bereavements etc to take into account; never assume one set of child care will be in place forever .

She’s emotionally blackmailing you and you can’t go on like this. You can’t rely on people who behave this way.

I've looked into it purple and we're entitled to nothing. Husband earns too much, but as I've given up my Job and am only working a few hours part time he's taken an all the bills etc so the extra cost of childcare even part time is too much.
This isn't the first time it's happened and I'm upset and annoyed.

She's emotional blackmailing you and will keep it up all the time you are needing her for child care , can you go to your college tutor and ask for help ? They may be able to point you in the right direction

There is a creche on site but again it has to be paid for and there just isn't the money there.
I wouldn't of gone back into edication if I'd known this would be what occured.

How long is the course you are doing? It might be that the cost of childcare will be expensive in the short term, but weigh it against the long term benefits. I assume the course you are doing leads to a career?

My DM was similar, she never threatened to stop having the DC (she had them half a day a week), but every time she wanted us to do something that we couldn't or didn't want to do, her comment was always, "Well.... you'd think that after all I do for you that you could at least do this for me!"
My reply was always the same - "Mum - look after the DC because you want to do it, not because you think it gives you the right to start dictating to us what we do or don't do."
Sadly, she always finds new mind games to play. Her current one is standing on the doorstep and not coming in until she has had a formal invitation to cross the threshold. But I refuse to engage with any of her games, so she ends up just standing there on the door mat. It's both pathetic and hilarious at the same time. But she'll get bored of it soon and start something else.

You need to call her bluff. One of my relatives did this to us and I said OK then, don't worry as XXXX will look after them. Relative then panicked when they realised that they were replaceable.

It's a year so will qualify in summer and yes will lead to a career. There is just no money left in the pot we are just about managing now, the only other solution is mil to have dd but she already watches bil children so think it may be too much.

This sounds familiar yellow when we were younger we used to have a lot of game playing but it seemed to stop as we reached adulthood.

KT84 - just say that's fine and you'll ask MIL - she's been dying to have DD regularly. See what she does. But it won't work if your MIL and DM talk to each other...

How often does she look after your DD and is she working herself? I think she is totally in the wrong to threaten to withdraw childcare arrangements regardless of your disagreement but I do wonder if she is finding it too much? I love my granddaughters to bits and look after them one day a week, more in an emergency but I would not really want to look after them all five days while my DD and SIL work. Luckily they can afford some childcare and their ILs do one day too. I know there are all sorts of schemes if you are studying. Are you entitled to any student loan or tax credits to cover childcare costs? You may have to rethink your plans to study until your DD is at school and get a job instead which will cover your childcare costs.

It certainly sounds like she is stressed out so maybe she needs a break.

I had thought of possibly doing this yellow as she dislikes mil having anything to do with dd

The threats are a form of blackmail. Have you asked her why she blackmails you and told her that you don't appreciate it?

What would she do if you did? Would she actually want to lose most of her contact with your DD? That might be effectively what happens if she carries on in this way because she would surely be cutting off her nose to spite her face?

Well if she's your only viable childcare option, I think you just need to suck it up. It's not ideal but if you can't afford anyone else and MIL already watched other children, then I don't see what choice you have.
You can't change her. You can't stop her from disagreeing with you. Bite your tongue, apologise and remember she's enabling you to retrain and have a career.
If that seems like an impossible ask, then give up college. They're your two options. Neither is ideal but it is what it is.

I’ve seen posters on here, say that an au pair is cheaper than other childcare, as you’re giving them a place to live. Would you have a spare room for an au pair? I don’t know much about them, but would it be something you could look into?

Is there an option of sharing care with another parent, who is in a similar situation, but works the opposite days to you? Even if it means looking after their child at the weekend.

Story, I got distracted mid post. Just saw the money comment.

It is obvious your mother isn't fit to care for your dd. Anyone repeatedly threatening you is clearly stressed, unstable, and untrustworthy.
(Also 2 year olds are hard work. )
Please speak to your tutor about your options. There may be something you haven't thought of, or perhaps mil would do a day or two, so you're paying for fewer hours. There may be some hardship grants left, at least check.

Unfortunately I'm not entitled to tax credits this financial year, I'm entitled to 12.63 next tax year. I was working full time until summer (went back when dd was 8 months old) so it has affected what I'm entitled to as well as husbands wage.
When I was working she had her 5 days a week when I went back to education she said she would still help but it was reduced to three days a week.
When we first had DD i said mil would split childcare with her and she had a massive strop and didn't speak to me for a week as in her eyes I was branding her incapable.
She was insistent she looked after her.