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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

My mum is behaving badly

44 replies

KT84 · 07/02/2019 12:49

I've recently gone back into full time education and my mum offered to help out with DD who is 2. The issue I have is everytime I disagree with her she says she will stop helping out with DD.
This morning I have voiced a concern about a relative who my mum is very close to.She started shouting and crying saying she can't carry everything on her shoulders and myself and dh are bad people who she wants to fade out of her life and she doesn't care if she never sees us anymore.
Then the threat of I won't bother helping you with DD and then see where you are.
I'm in a placement and it's upset and stressed me so much I've come home rather than go in and started researching free nursery places. Unfortunately we are not entitled to this and we can't afford to pay.
I apologised at the time as I wasn't trying to be nasty but I'm not sure what to do.
This has happened a few times before when we've had a different opinions on things she gets huffy and makes threats. I feel like I have to tiptoe around her and now Its starting to jepordise my future.

OP posts:

BrightYellowHat · 07/02/2019 14:05

KT48 - there's always a game with my mum.

When dad left the game was to make any contact with him as difficult as possible.

When I met DH the game was to exclude him from family events (she didn't want to be the only one without a partner, so I had to exclude mine to make her feel better).
When I got married the game was making sure she did nothing to help and making sure my dad was excluded.
A few years ago I asked her to stop turning up during my working day (at home) with her guests as I couldn't guarantee I could drop everything to host them - could she please call before she comes round. So the current game is she won't call round at all and when she does she stands on the doorstep.
It is endless - but the older, I've got the easier it is to refuse to engage with her stupidity. Water off a ducks back now!

Original poster

KT84 · 07/02/2019 14:07

It's a shame relationship with your mum is so hard yellow x

OP posts:

InDubiousBattle · 07/02/2019 14:08

I agree with Winnie, you can't afford child care and she is doing it for you for free. There's really no point in empty threats about getting someone else to watch your day because they would be just that, empty. I get the feeling that you need her more than she needs you. Nursery where I live (in the North so cheaper than most places)is £50 a day, how many days a week is she doing?

Original poster

KT84 · 07/02/2019 14:08

Thanks for all advice, the only thing I hadn't really considered was a student loan
I will have a look and see if I am able to get one at this stage.

OP posts:

Topseyt · 07/02/2019 14:09

OK then, maybe have a quiet word with your MIL just in case it does go tits up with your own mother. If MIL would be happy to do it then you have your back up plan. If not then you may have to carry on for now as you are.

If your mother doesn't want DD going to MIL much then she will have to think twice before behaving like such a twat.

Perhaps an arrangement whereby DD is cared for part of the time by each of them might help. So one week MIL and one week your mother. Then it might be manageable for MIL, and your mother might just realise that she isn't indispensable here, that there is a back up plan that doesn't involve her. You might then be able to take more of a step back from her histrionics.

InDubiousBattle · 07/02/2019 14:11

Sorry X posted with you op. £150 a weeks worth of, presumably flexible childcare is gold dust. Why do you think she's behaving like this?

Original poster

KT84 · 07/02/2019 14:11

I would say we need each other, but agree it has been a massive help to me, we did offer to pay her for expenses etc and she wouldn't take the money. Its about the same here 50 - 60 per day, and she would need to go for three days so 150-180 per week is out of the question.

OP posts:

Nanny0gg · 07/02/2019 14:15

You either suck it up until the summer, get a loan or ask MiL. And if your mother has a strop then so be it.

Original poster

KT84 · 07/02/2019 14:15

Indubious - she has done it all our lives in varying forms but stopped as she and us got older.
I have no idea why she says things because I will only put up with so much before I say enoughs enough.
I would never threaten her with not seeing DD even if we didn't speak so don't know why she wants to threaten me.

OP posts:

Confusedbeetle · 07/02/2019 14:29

Just rowing back a while, I wonder why you and your Mum are falling out in the first place? Isnt that the area to work on?

Original poster

KT84 · 07/02/2019 14:32

It was because I raised a concern about a family member and she got annoyed I had brought it up as she is the one who spends the most time with them. Not sure if she thought I was having a pop at her bit I explained I wasn't and was concerned.

OP posts:

WinnieFosterTether · 07/02/2019 16:23

It's a bit ironic that some posters are suggesting emotionally blackmailing your mum by threatening to use DMIL . . . because you're upset at your DM blackmailing you

Gina2012 · 07/02/2019 16:40

I wouldn't allow the blackmail

I'd be very clear that the next time she blackmails you, you will ask someone else to look after DD as the blackmail upsets you so much

I would follow this through - even if you have to take out a loan to put DD into the crèche

Being beholden to a blackmailer is no way to live

sillysmiles · 07/02/2019 17:14

I wonder if she felt that you were trying to make the concern of this relative her problem too, on top of looking after your kid?

BadlyArrangedToasties · 07/02/2019 20:49

Check with student support/welfare or finance at your uni/college to see if you are eligible for a childcare grant. There is a pot for student parents. I don’t know the threshold or requirements, but worth a look.

AmIRightOrAMeringue · 07/02/2019 21:35

I'd speak to your MIL. My parents dont do regular childcare for us but they do some on an ad hoc basis and they try and make sure it is split evenly between all grandkids even though they live further away from my children. If my kids become parents and I agree to help out I will make it clear that if there are any future kids or their sibling has kids that it will be split equally and if they end up with 3 kids each then there might be none! I think it's unfair that grandparents help with their first grandkids and become close to them and then can't help with the second as they have existing committents to the first.

Springwalk · 07/02/2019 21:43

I would sooner pack it in than continue to be blackmailed. Why not wait until dd is three and then you are entitled to 30 hours of free childcare. If you can’t afford childcare then you need to put your plans on hold for now.
Your mother has form for this whilst you were young, it seems to me she enjoys playing to your vulnerability and moments of need. Take those away and you may find she stops.

Defer and look after dd yourself. This is toxic for your child as well

Maelstrop · 07/02/2019 22:12

Her current one is standing on the doorstep and not coming in until she has had a formal invitation to cross the threshold.

What? Is she a fucking vampire? 😂🧛‍♀️ I’d get a cloak, Walter Raleigh style and go OTT inviting her in. Does she not realise how dumb that must make her look?

OP, sound out your mil then do the fake sweetness ‘Oh, well, if you can’t cope....’ thing. That’s possibly too horrible!

JasperKarat · 08/02/2019 06:11

I think it's too much and boundaries get blurred. She's also emotionally manipulative and she's using this to wield power.

MIL has retired to help us with childcare once I'm back at work and DM is eager to help and has done with DN for the last three years, but I wouldn't want either to have to commit to 3-5 days s week. DH and I are both going onto consolidated hours, I will have Monday off, he will have Friday, one day at nursery and one day with each grandparent. You need to work out a way to cover the additional cost until the summer

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