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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think I'm getting a raw deal?

42 replies

SuperMariokids · 06/02/2019 20:16

My husband pays for the council tax, gas & electric, Sky account. I pay for the food, clothing for our 3 dd's & all their other needs & wants. We are in a fortunate position where we don't require a mortgage or pay rent (my family property, which i will one day inherit).
He earns more than me, almost double (£40k ish), I am struggling at the moment as our girls are getting involved in activities etc & well there are 3 of them to feed & clothe etc.
I asked him for a contribution to our daughter's birthday party & it was made clear to me that it was grudged.More or less that it was an unnecessary expense & she didnt need a party. He paid it into my account & I felt so bad I paid it back to him. I don't know how to approach this with him & i guess I'm looking for pointers. I dont know how to redress the balance.

OP posts:
babycatcher411 · 06/02/2019 20:24

It’s difficult to say, in black and white, who is getting the better deal with the way you split costs, without knowing how much each bill costs.

However, it doesn’t sound like a very nice way of doing things (whether it’s “equal” or not). You shouldn’t be in a position to be struggling and needing to borrow money off him to do basic things to raise your children. He sounds very selfish.

CloserIAm2Fine · 06/02/2019 20:33

It seems unfair that his stuff is pretty much a fixed amount (obviously prices rise but it’s not going to change wildly from month to month) whereas yours could be much higher one month if all the kids need new shoes at the same time.

Tbh my first thought is that he’s a shit dad if he doesn’t feel he should be contributing to his kids wants and needs Hmm

Why don’t you suggest splitting everything proportionally by income so he pays 2/3 and you pay 1/3? His reaction will clearly show whether you’re currently getting a raw deal or not

happytoday73 · 06/02/2019 20:33

You'd both be better to put money into a joint account. Not the same amount... both left with same amount of spending money...

current system seems quite likely to lead to on going issues.....

FadedRed · 06/02/2019 20:40

So your ‘contribution’ to this ‘partnership’ is approx £20,000 plus the house you all live in? So at reasonable rent that would be 12x £400/600 = £4,800/£7,200 pa (based on average rental price depending on area, could be twice that depending on where in the country you live. So not that much different from his income when added together, is it?
What about adding up all the outgoings, including an amount for children’s party and the kind of things normal families try to do and dividing that by two. I’d bet he does very nicely from you. Tight-fisted got.

FadedRed · 06/02/2019 20:40

git not got

Quartz2208 · 06/02/2019 20:42

He sounds an awful father why are you letting him do this

What does he do with all his money?

If it were me I would throw him out and get him to pay maintenace

(and how does the house stand legally does he have a claim to it at all)

Quartz2208 · 06/02/2019 20:44

and for god sake get the money back she needs a party and its clear on £40,000 with the overheads he has at £500 a month on the salary he earns he has 4 figures left over. How on earth have you let that happen

Original poster
SuperMariokids · 06/02/2019 20:44

Breaking the bills down, he pays approx £400 a month. Mine vary wildly, approx £100 per week on food (more during school hols), clothing roughly £150 per month (i've never tallied it up tbh just bought as & when needed). I pay for the dental care, our cats, birthday gifts for friends parties which seem to be every other week.
We had a joint bank account years ago, then switched to separate account at his request as I was spending too much & he said he was going to save money for family holidays (which has happened once in 5years).
I have actually gotten my self into a pickle as we moved house last year, I paid for the move & extended my overdraft in order to do so. He never offered or asked how much it was all costing, as we were moving into my family's property.
I feel uncomfortable asking for money.

OP posts:
IndieTara · 06/02/2019 20:47

Wow op he's got you where he wants you and the life of Riley to boot !

InDubiousBattle · 06/02/2019 20:47

What the hell kind of father earns £40k, with no housing costs and still begrudges paying towards his child's birthday? Wouldn't it be fairer to pay everything into one account, pay all bills/family costs etc and give each of you a fixed (equal)amount as individual spends?

Blanca87 · 06/02/2019 20:47

Well you need to get a grip of this situation. Why the on earth are you letting this happen?

Piewife · 06/02/2019 20:48

Where does all his money go then? He'll have quite a lot left over each month if they're his only bills and he definitely should contribute as you need him to. It's not fair for one partner to have so much more disposable income.

You must spend a lot on food and activities etc. to be struggling though!

InDubiousBattle · 06/02/2019 20:49

X posted with you and he's got worse with the update.

ChasedByBees · 06/02/2019 20:50

So you pay significantly more, have provided the housing and you earn less?

Of course you have a raw deal!

LL83 · 06/02/2019 20:51

Stop feeling guilty. Me and my dh share finances. He still thinks I spoil the kids at Christmas/birthdays it's wasted cash. But on the day he enjoys it and despite the eye rolls at some purchases.

Ask your dh to pay more towards childrem. If he disagrees charge him rent.

Felicia3 · 06/02/2019 20:52

It's a bit worrying you feel uncomfortable asking your own husband for money. He shouldn't be putting you in this position at all and you should sit down with him and discuss your issues.

Quartz2208 · 06/02/2019 20:52

Stop feeling uncomfortable - he doesnt even pay a 1/4 of his salary to you

He needs to support his daughters ffs you are putting him ahead of them

To be honest OP why are you with him these are not the actions of a good father or husband. You do realise that if you separatd th maintenance you would receive is identical to the money you do now.
He takes home £2000 a month - what happens to the other £1500

Or are you concerned he will suddenly want money from the house he has paid nothing towards.

Its financial abuse at it finest. Get legal advice now

Craft1905 · 06/02/2019 20:55

Just because you're getting the house rent free, there's no reason why he should. Find out what the monthly rent would be on the open market, and charge him half.

Job done. That's only right if you have separate finances.

Pumpkintopf · 06/02/2019 20:55

I don't understand as you have joint children and live together, why all bills would not be split. As pp have said, pay into a joint account and leave yourselves each a bit of spending money separately.

Marshmallow91 · 06/02/2019 20:56

I'd suggest swapping positions, and you can pay 400 a month and he can pay everything else. What a prick, I'd be asking for a full disclosure of all expenses (on both sides).
And what kind of arsehole says no to their own kids birthday party?

Get your family to make sure the house is in their name, then throw him out and claim maintenance.

LongWalkShortPlank · 06/02/2019 20:57

You shouldn't feel like this with your partner. Family money is family money. It needs to be based on a percentage of earnings and who would want to be with a man who would let his wife go into her overdraft AND begrudge his child a birthday party when you're comfortably off!
My boyfriend isn't dd's biological father and he does more for my daughter than your husband seems to. Kick him out and have him pay maintenance or tell him it doesn't work for you.

Claw001 · 06/02/2019 20:58

You are definitely not being unreasonable. You need to split the cost.

theWarOnPeace · 06/02/2019 21:00

60k between you with no mortgage or childcare? Nobody should be struggling at all, we’ve got less than that per year after paying for our house and go on holidays and do nice things, kids have parties etc. What does he actually spend his 40k on?

SileneOliveira · 06/02/2019 21:03

I feel uncomfortable asking for money.

You are MARRIED to this person. You are supposed to be a PARTNERSHIP. In a normal relationship, finances and joint accounts would have been mentioned years ago. This is incredibly dysfunctional. Normal couples do not live like this.

AmIRightOrAMeringue · 06/02/2019 21:08

This is mad. You earn much less but spend much more and it varies a lot more. How is it fair in a family if one person saves a load of money and one struggles.

You need to redress to make it fairer. Have a joint account for all bills and agree what proportion you put in. Even 50 50 will be fairer than now. What does he spend the rest of his money on? Who pays for large expenses like cars or holidays? Why did you pay for the move?
You could do it in proportion to your earnings or work it out so you have roughly equal spending money left per month (or a bit more for him if you think it's fair as he earns more). I'd look on cms and see what he'd owe you if you split assuming you now do and would carry on doing majority of the childcare

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