to think I'm getting a raw deal?

[SuperMariokids]

My husband pays for the council tax, gas & electric, Sky account. I pay for the food, clothing for our 3 dd's & all their other needs & wants. We are in a fortunate position where we don't require a mortgage or pay rent (my family property, which i will one day inherit).
He earns more than me, almost double (£40k ish), I am struggling at the moment as our girls are getting involved in activities etc & well there are 3 of them to feed & clothe etc.
I asked him for a contribution to our daughter's birthday party & it was made clear to me that it was grudged.More or less that it was an unnecessary expense & she didnt need a party. He paid it into my account & I felt so bad I paid it back to him. I don't know how to approach this with him & i guess I'm looking for pointers. I dont know how to redress the balance.

I'm so sorry OP he doesn't sound very nice. What an odd situation! Agree with pp, this does not sound like abnormal relationship. You should not feel uncomfortable asking your husband for money and why is he squirrelling away money while you essentially pay for family life? So odd I'd be worried x

I’d start charging him half of what the market rent would be

If you get rid make sure you do it before the house is in your name.

Yes I agree it is dysfunctional. I don't know why I've let it go on for so long. I do need to talk to him, I guess there's never a right time, I just have to do it calmly & rationally & not allow the tables to get turned on me.

Do a spreadsheet of all costs (the ones he pays and the one you pay). Add them up. Work out the ratio of your salary to his. So if it is 2:1 he pays 2/3 costs and you pay 1/3 if he really won't have a joint account.

YANBU

I would ditch him before you inherit the property.

Agree with PP. You need a joint account into which you both pay the same % of your incomes. Maybe as much as 80%. That covers all the usual bills/food/petrol/parties/presents. It looks at the moment as if he is stashing huge sums away into savings or personal pension while you are struggling.

Charge him rent, that should cover what you need.

I'm not a fan of splitting costs the way you describe.

For one thing, he's paying for stuff he'd pay for regardless of whether he has a family or not.

The other is that his costs will be pretty steady (Week to week, but also year to year) where as the kids and food bills are only going to get more expensive.

You are also covering all of the housing costs (regardless of the fact that you aren't having to pay anything.

I think you need to get a shared account for family things and put into it either a. proportionate to your incomes or so that you have equal savings at the end of the month.

Can anyone here give advice on what legal claim he'd have to the house after living there were you to split up? I worry that its the family house but he obviously hasn't put anything into it so wouldn't want him to be able to claim it as an asset. (I have no idea about this sort of thing but thats where my mind goes when I hear about scrubs like him.)

absolutely, if he pushes back against contributing then say you need to charge him rent to cover costs and that your family house has been entrusted in you to live in but not him.

Pick a month and use it as an example of all your coats and show him just how much you are spensing. You should not be in an overdraft when the family income is large enough to pay for everyrhing and then some!!

Honestly; it's an idiotic set up.

You add up all costs, everything, then add in a percentage for extras. You then split it as a ratio with your wages, and pay that percentage each into a joint account to cover all family expenses.

If he says no then you kick him out and end the relationship. You are currently being financially abused. If he says no to fixing it then that means he is intentionally and happily abusing you. Having 3 kids doesn't make abuse OK and you don't need to live with it for the sake of the kids. He fixes this or you kick him out.

What sort of father contributes nothing to his DCs upbringing? Get a joint account and have both salaries paid into it - it's family money.

He must have loads of spare cash!

I think you should each add up what you actually spent for the last 3 months. Then, work out what that is per month and each pays the same proportion into a joint account as you earn. For example, if your household cost £1200 per month to run he should put in £800 and you £400.

You are being taken advantage off, children get very expensive and they are not your sole responsibility. Don't demonstrate this uneven arrangement to your children.

Im not sure its quite that straightforward.

I wouldn't want to share a joint account with someone who got themselves in a pickle over money. But i would be making sure both know how much money was going in where it was going out to and how much was left over.

Do you know what our incomings and outgoings are? Does he? Do you get into a pickle because the money is there (hes got it) but its not going where it needs to go, or do you get into a pickle because you spend money that isnt there in the first place? Or do you just radically disagree on how money is spent?

when you look at monthly outgoings, be sure to include annual costs like christmas, birthdays, back to school costs and the holidays you don't seem to be having"

Hard to know without the actual figures.

Although even without having a joint account I would expect a FAMILY to operate as if all income was FAMILY income.

Based on my own bills pcm IF I were working they would be:

Council tax 92.00
Gas 95.00 (don't get me started!)
Electric 40.00
Sky (I don't have but min package on looking up but not Inc offers) 25.00

Total 252

Food (based on my budget but calculated for 5 people) 400.00
Clothes (rarely bought I'm estimating a min for 3 growing children + op not inc shoes) 100.00
Books/toys/activities/clubs for 3 I'd estimate min 150.00

That's 650!

So you're paying out likely almost 3 X more than him and he's the higher earner by almost 50%? Wtf?!

Then you posted your own figures

He pays 400.00

You pay
Food (min) 400.00
Clothes 150.00
Gifts for friends (based on approx every other week at £10 a pop min) 260.00
Dental treatment - I dread to think!
Cats - no idea how much cats cost I'm guessing at least 50.00 for food

That's 860.00 minimum!

"we moved house last year, I paid for the move & extended my overdraft in order to do so" why?! He was getting a free home! The least he could do is pay for this!

That's £2549 per month in take home he's getting and after bills he still has over £2000! That's purely his spending money!

If you split and even if he had the girls overnight once a week he'd be having to pay £125 a week maintenance that's £541 a month - that's MORE than he's paying now and now he's using the house, gas, electric, food, cleaning products, toiletries...

I don't think he's even covering his own costs!

Financially you'd be far better off!

What kind of father pays NOTHING towards their own children even when they're living with them and they're on a bloody good salary? It's neglectful if not downright abusive!

Unless there's a MASSIVE change in his behaviour for the better he needs to go. I think it highly likely he's COSTING you money rather than contributing anything it's appalling!

Woahh what?! This is insane! Why are you providing housing and paying so much more than him on top?! Why does he grudge your dd a party? What's he doing with what must be a huge amount of disposable income??