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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Paying for Family

40 replies

RedStaplersRule · 06/02/2019 14:43

Is it a thing for IL's to joke that you and DP should pay houses or school fees? The theme has been revisited in a ha-ha manner, but assume AIBU to feel that it could be a slippery slope.

OP posts:
PlainSpeakingStraightTalking · 06/02/2019 14:45

I dont understand. For whose house or school fees are you ha-ha paying?

Hollowvictory · 06/02/2019 14:45

???

Sexnotgender · 06/02/2019 14:46

More information would be helpful!

Original poster
RedStaplersRule · 06/02/2019 14:48

Sorry - IL's child/their house

OP posts:
Eliza9917 · 06/02/2019 14:50

So they think you should pay for dp's siblings' school/house?

I'd tell them to take a running jump.

Stayawayfromitsmouth · 06/02/2019 14:51

Er nope. You pay your own way in life. Confused

PlainSpeakingStraightTalking · 06/02/2019 15:00

Which ILs?

Your partners family? your siblings partners family? Who in particular? and why ? Are you referencing a particular cultural phenomenon where families do pool resources , or is this just a bizarre request out of the blue?

Details do help!

Sexnotgender · 06/02/2019 15:04

Your partners parents want you to pay school fees for their child (so your partners sibling?) and their house?

Is that correct? Sorry your posts aren’t very clear.

Is this a cultural thing?

pinkyredrose · 06/02/2019 15:06

Still don't know what the situation is.

Original poster
RedStaplersRule · 06/02/2019 15:10

SIL has had child very recently and her and DH are also moving. We are physically close to them and DC go to a decent private school that don't have outrageous fees but enough obviously. DH said its something they should consider as schools aren't brilliant around us (and they are both decent earners) to which the conversation seemed to turn to the idea that we should pay the fees/"share the money". Then when DS (7) said that she had enough in her piggy bank the response was "that sounds like a verbal contract to me". I just wonder if I am looking for a big ask, or if it's just a jokey thing families say as it's not something my side would even joke about

OP posts:
PlainSpeakingStraightTalking · 06/02/2019 15:11

I'm reading it as DPS sibling thinks DP should be paying for school fees and housing.

From that I deduce many scenarios:

  • DP is in a highly paid city type job and so mega loaded
  • DP and OP have no children of their own and ILs think they can afford to spend money on DN's
  • DP (and OP) are from abroad, and the remaining family perceive the UK to be a land of milk and honey, so DP can support his family back home
  • DP has a cultural background where families do pool resources.

Am I close ?

Sexnotgender · 06/02/2019 15:13

Totally sounds like they are joking now you’ve actually explained the situation.

Just laugh if they mention it again.

Haha, you guys are so funny! Etc.

PlainSpeakingStraightTalking · 06/02/2019 15:14

Oh, cross posted!

I'd just ignore them. Why would they be asking for housing costs?

Its for your DH to manage humour with his sister. I just wouldnt get involved with their 'in' jokes and humour.

Hollowvictory · 06/02/2019 15:15

It was a joke to a 7 year old.🙄

kalefire · 06/02/2019 15:15

"Hahaha of course! You guys can fund our annual all expenses trip to the Maldives in return! Now, anyone want a cuppa tea?"

Pretty sure it's a joke OP

Original poster
RedStaplersRule · 06/02/2019 15:17

That's what my sensible side said. I can be a bit touchy.

OP posts:
Bombardier25966 · 06/02/2019 15:18

They're joking.

It's equivalent to someone saying "You should go to (super expensive restaurant)" in the full knowledge you can't afford it, and you responding "Are you paying?". It's not a serious question, but a little nudge that we don't all have the same resources.

Eliza9917 · 06/02/2019 15:20

Does dp flaunt money in front of them a bit?

It sounds like you've suggested private school and they've gone 'ha, yeah, if you'd like to pay for it'

Same with the house. If DP is like just buy a bigger house/make sure it's got a drive/ensuite etc etc etc and they've replied the same again.

Original poster
RedStaplersRule · 06/02/2019 15:28

No, though there is a difference which can't really be hidden. On their side there is a history of pleading unnecessary poverty over things and as PP said, there is a cultural difference on pooling resources. But I just thought it would be worth coming here to give my head a wobble in this case :)

OP posts:
Somethingsmellsnice · 06/02/2019 15:30

To be fair your DH brought it up and suggested they should consider private education. If he did this knowing that they were unlikely to be able to afford it then why? He was being a knob. Rather than tell him he was being a knob they joked that perhaps he should fund it.

The way you told it initially was as if they were coming to you asking you to. Tell your DH not to be a knob and insensitive if you find you are too sensitive to deal with their comebacks.

Etino · 06/02/2019 15:34

What @Somethingsmellsnice says.
Avoid the subject and tell your husband not to be a dick

MyShinyWhiteTeeth · 06/02/2019 15:48

I'd be wary about this. After winning a small amount a few years ago (almost immediately all gone paying off debts and two loans) - I'm very oversensitive to any hint of grasping friends/relatives. I'd say younger relatives are the worst - older relatives were fine.

Puzzledandpissedoff · 06/02/2019 15:48

when DS (7) said that she had enough in her piggy bank the response was "that sounds like a verbal contract to me"

I can't tell if this was an attempt at humour, but anyway I find it really sad that a little child has even begun to think she should use her small savings for such a thing

Are either/both of you in the UK, or is this a case of one family expecting a sub from another who are living in the "filthy rich" west?

Iloveacurry · 06/02/2019 15:50

It was a suggestion. You shouldn’t pay for SIL’s child to go to private school.

MinisterforCheekyFuckery · 06/02/2019 15:54

I think it was a joke, designed to mask the awkwardness of your DH overstepping the mark. It isn't his place to tell anyone how they should educate their children.