Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

NICU staff being judgemental.

704 replies

NicuProblem · 06/02/2019 09:31

I'm in tears. Requested my baby's medical notes after a prem birth. Found a part where apparently they started a visiting log as they felt we didn't stay on the ward long enough, that I wasn't talkative enough and that my husband "rarely visited".

I don't drive and have an older child with disabilities. My husband works and at that time was working night shifts. They KNEW this.

I feel distraught by this notion that at my most vulnerable when I was trying my best I was judged as somehow not good enough.

OP posts:
Hollowvictory · 06/02/2019 15:04

All they did was write down parent visit times which many people have said is the norm. That's it. How is that bad?

Basecamp65 · 06/02/2019 15:04

When my daughter was in NICU I had a very frosty reception from them because we did not stay there permanently and most of the nurses were hinting I should come in more often and mentioning they had beds I could stay in. This was even though I visited everyday for 2-3 hrs and her Dad visited every day for 1 hr. At the end they said they would like me to stay in for 24hrs with her before she was discharged to check I was OK with everything.

I mentioned that was fine but I would have to get someone to stay with my 18 month old as her Dad was still having to work and I did not drive - hospital is 15 miles away no buses after 7pm etc etc

They looked stunned - in no place on my babies records nor on mine did it mention I had another child. even thought the midwife who actually delivered them was the same - I did not remember her but she remembered us.

I am sorry you are going through what we did OP. What I can say is my baby is now 32 and has never even for a split second suffered any ill effects from our apparent lack of visits and we are extremely close and always have been.

I would complain - seriously I would - they have no right to make you feel like that, they have no knowledge of what else is going on in your life and your baby is in a safe environment

Original poster
NicuProblem · 06/02/2019 15:17

Do they think most dads are spending hours changing nappies at 10 weeks then? Most dads I know are at work at 10 weeks, see the baby for an hour or so and then go to bed.

OP posts:
BettyDuMonde · 06/02/2019 15:18

Re: recording visits - when my daughter was admitted to PICU we were asked if we required any specially timetabled visits or if there were any individuals who were not permitted to visit at all. Families are complicated and sometimes acrimonious or worse, abusive.
Systems are in place to deal with these kinds of situations - safeguarding is thinking of the worse case scenarios and trying to stop them from ever happening. It’s not personal.

We are a blended family (my husband often ferried my non-driving ex, DD’s dad, backwards and forwards to hospital, my daughter’s stepmum flew back early from a hen do, came straight from the airport and sat with me for hours) and the staff all commented on how lovely it was to see everyone together - sadly, they weren’t used to divorced parents getting along so well!

Aeroflotgirl · 06/02/2019 15:19

Op situation is abnormal in the sense that normally her baby would not be born prematurely and would not be In NICU, and would be with her at home where she would be caring for her other child. Talkative, my goodness how do yiu talk to a baby who does not respond. Some people aren't big talkers and would find that hard. Definitely arrange to see the head of NICU.

Original poster
NicuProblem · 06/02/2019 15:21

It just feels like I was being analysed

OP posts:
Hollowvictory · 06/02/2019 15:21

Yes most dad's change nappies at 10 weeks. Obviously not when they are at work. But evenings, nights, weekends, and do feeds, and cook. Do laundry, childcare, cleaning. Etc. (that's not directed at you op)

Original poster
NicuProblem · 06/02/2019 15:24

Aero yes I'm not sure what they wanted me to say. I was exhausted from expressing constantly and just wanted to see she was okay. One of the reasons i was desperate to go home was to do normal things with them. I felt I couldn't be myself in the hospital as I felt like I was being watched and looks like i was right.

OP posts:
Moneys2Tight2Mention · 06/02/2019 15:24

Sorry that you are upset OP, and sorry you've had such a rough time of it with your little one.

I do tend to agree with the posters that have outlined that the nurses are just doing their job. Personally I would rather they note things like this rather than be afraid to for fear of fallout from a parent(s) and potentially miss something which in a different case could have highlighted a problem from a safeguarding point of view.

Please try and put this to the back of your mind and enjoy your little one, sounds like you've both been through the wars and you deserve some peace.

Original poster
NicuProblem · 06/02/2019 15:25

Hollow only for a couple of hours in the evening though.

OP posts:
KonekoBasu · 06/02/2019 15:27

"How so? Was it a look? A glance?"

Pointed comments about me not being there the previous night, about me not visiting earlier, then she criticised everything I did. I changed nappies wrong, held him wrong, attempted to breast feed wrong. Didn't stay with him long enough, even though I had to go back for check your on my health and not because I wanted to leave him.

She wasn't like that with any of the other parents there, not that I saw anyway. She just decided I was a crap mother and made her feelings very obvious.

BettyDuMonde · 06/02/2019 15:29

You were being analysed! But only as part of a safeguarding system that is applied to everyone. It’s a bit like how all health visitors are looking out for signs of PND - it’s not a judgement, just a way to identify the people who do need extra support

The conclusion of that analysis was that all was fine and that you could be trusted to take your baby home without need for intervention or supervision. You did good in difficult circumstances! ❤️

Aeroflotgirl · 06/02/2019 15:31

So glad none of my kids ever needed NICU. It is hard enough they are in there, let alone feeling big brother is watching!

Original poster
NicuProblem · 06/02/2019 15:35

I understand safeguarding but it seems that it's assumed that you're unfit until you prove otherwise

OP posts:
pallisers · 06/02/2019 15:46

You seem very highly strung and defensive about this. Seeing shadows where I highly doubt they are any.

just when you think the replies on this thread couldn't get any more cuntish.

Sometimes I am very glad I don't know posters on MN in real life. In real life I don't know anyone who wouldn't feel utter sympathy for a young mother dealing with a very sick infant and a disabled child with very little money, no car and little confidence who managed as well as the OP did. Who wouldn't understand her reaction to those notes -that she felt judged, whether she was or not. Who wouldn't applaud her husband for holding it together and working long hours for small pay to keep his family in their home.

Maybe people live in la-la land where everyone has loads of money and time and resources and are too thick to imagine others aren't like them. Or maybe they live in a shitty world where getting a dig in at a mother makes their day. some posters should be ashamed of themselves frankly.

Raspberry88 · 06/02/2019 15:51

My husband does a significantly more taxing job that waitering for days which are often way longer than 12 hours and he would (and was) there every minute he could get.

It's not a fucking competition. I presume your husband was paid a bit more than minimum wage or at least had his own transport. I completely agree with pallisers, there are some people on Mumsnet who have no empathy at all and can't see past their own experiences.

PrivateCello · 06/02/2019 15:53

Well said pallisers

Original poster
NicuProblem · 06/02/2019 15:57

Pallisers thank you x

OP posts:
IWannaSeeHowItEnds · 06/02/2019 16:03

I disagree with advice that the OP should just let this go. It is still causing her sufficient distress that she has posted here. She needs closure and that means expressing to the hospital how their procedures have impacted on her. PND can be sparked by feeling judged and unsupported by HCPs when a woman is at her most vulnerable.
I think contacting the birth trauma people for advice about how best to proceed is the way to go - you might want a debrief meeting with the unit or just to send a letter.
It's really important that HCP listen and understand individual circumstances adjust what they do to take those circumstances into account. Safeguarding I'd not just about making notes on a form.

Fwiw, I disagree that the OP's DH should have visited more often. The baby didn't need him to be there all the time. She had her mum there and all her needs were being met. Far more important imo that dad was there for the other child and was ensuring that both his DC and wife had a home to come back to. Bills don't pay themselves. And to the poster who said that bring a waiter isn't taxing, you are a fucking moron!

Original poster
NicuProblem · 06/02/2019 16:06

It's causing me a lot of distress. Sounds stupid but I can't stop crying now. It's so minor but it's really upset me, had I had a term baby no one would have even said anything about my husband working those hours yet because I was unlucky I feel like our family has been sneered at and judged just because we weren't lucky enough at the time to be in a better financial situation. Being working class doesn't make us bad parents but that's how it has made me feel.

OP posts:
Herbyvor · 06/02/2019 16:09

**Ali1cedowntherabbithole

I'm aware that this is your first post with this user name and that you sound very upset

Just report it then rather than posting things like this which are clearly insinuating the OP is a troll.
It’s not clever. I namechange every week on here recently.

Original poster
NicuProblem · 06/02/2019 16:11

I name change for very personal issues that could be outing. That's the whole point of the name change system.

OP posts:
longtompot · 06/02/2019 16:12

I didn't know they kept notes like this! Mine would have been awful for when my yd was in NICU after being born at 31 weeks. I had two others aged 2 years and 14 months, my dh was working from very early to very late. I would be at home all day with the two at home, and when dh came home, we'd have dinner and then my dad would drive me up to the unit to sit with her for an hour or so, feed her, have a cuddle etc. I didn't phone as I didn't want to take them away from caring for the babies there.
There was one day I just couldn't get to see her and it really upset me, so I phoned and made sure she was ok and told them I wouldn't be in.

Original poster
NicuProblem · 06/02/2019 16:20

People react differently to scenarios like this and I think there should be more understanding of that. I'm usually quite a stoic person when it comes to being upset and so now have been labelled as quiet and doesn't talk. When all it is is I process things myself in a quiet manor. I'm also saddened by this as I made an effort to build a rapport with the staff, knowing that I'm usually quite quiet and difficult to get to know to avoid them thinking this of me.

I just feel like I'm being told I'm a crap mother and a crap human being. I know that's not what it was getting at but that's how it comes over.

OP posts:
QueenofmyPrinces · 06/02/2019 16:24

You’re treating this as some kind of personal vendetta against you OP and I don’t understand why?

They were very, very likely to have been keeping the exact same records for every other family unit on the ward too.

At work, when we were our patient notes we write who is with the baby, who else has visited the baby, how long they visited for etc and also the general mood/interaction of the parents. It’s just a standard part of our record keeping that we do for every baby on the ward.

If these records cause us any concern then we escalate as needed but otherwise it’s jist a normal part of our note writing.

I do understand why you are upset but I’m generally worried about how much of a big deal you are turning this into when that kind of record keeping is something normal and commonplace.

You’re only hurting yourself here by obsessing over it and there’s really no need to.

Swipe left for the next trending thread