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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

NICU staff being judgemental.

704 replies

NicuProblem · 06/02/2019 09:31

I'm in tears. Requested my baby's medical notes after a prem birth. Found a part where apparently they started a visiting log as they felt we didn't stay on the ward long enough, that I wasn't talkative enough and that my husband "rarely visited".

I don't drive and have an older child with disabilities. My husband works and at that time was working night shifts. They KNEW this.

I feel distraught by this notion that at my most vulnerable when I was trying my best I was judged as somehow not good enough.

OP posts:
BusySnipingOnCallOfDuty · 06/02/2019 09:33

I would raise it with them and ask for an explanation

Hollowvictory · 06/02/2019 09:33

How much time did you spend visiting?
Did your husband visit during the day when he wasn't working?
Did you visit while your child was at school?

PoliticalBiscuit · 06/02/2019 09:33

Your family is not typical of families and they were concerned your behaviour was not typical compared to their average family.

I would absolutely be upset in your shoes but you had reason, and insight, and they didn't. They want to protect their babies, and mothers who might be struggling to bond. That wasn't you, they weren't to know.

It sounds like it's all been very traumatic Dr you, must have been an incredibly difficult time Flowers

Claw001 · 06/02/2019 09:36

If it’s inaccurate ask for it to be amended?

Original poster
NicuProblem · 06/02/2019 09:36

I used to either do a morning or an afternoon. Husband would visit weekly as his job at that time was very exhausting (he was a waiter while he was waiting for his actual job to come through as he had to go through security clearance).

Older child isn't at school yet. For the first few weeks I was there all day most days but once baby was stable I split my time more so I could spend time with my older child too but apparently that's "wrong".

OP posts:
Nodramanollama · 06/02/2019 09:36

Im sorry to hear that. My ds was born premature and spent time in nicu. Its a really stressful time and mums aren't offered a lot of support with how they are coping. I never saw in visitor log in my experience but maybe they are just observing how you are coping and making sure yoy are doing ok. Is there any nurse you can speak to? I hope your baby ie doing ok. Its such a stressful time.

Original poster
NicuProblem · 06/02/2019 09:39

It's made me feel awful. My older child kept crying that I was away all the time and telling my mum that "mummys gone". I couldn't just leave him.

OP posts:
Walkingdeadfangirl · 06/02/2019 09:39

Have they said anything inaccurate?
Its not the staffs fault you weren't able to visit very often.

Hollowvictory · 06/02/2019 09:42

I can understand tbh why a father only visiting weekly would be of concern, sorry. I know being a waiter is tiring but seriously! Visiting your premature sick baby once a week would cause worry for the medical staff.
I had twins in nicu, I couldn't drive due to c section it was exhausting going back and forth I was ill and ended up being readmitted myself , dh saved his paternity leave for when we came home so he was back at work and visiting evenings. So i do know what it's like. It's hard and it's crap. But it sounds like they had genuine concerns where your dh was concerned I'm afraid. Try to move on and focus on having baby home.

Original poster
NicuProblem · 06/02/2019 09:42

Why raise it as a concern when you know that someone's got a disabled child and doesn't drive and they ring every day, two hourly, and speak to the consultants three times a week in order to make sure the baby is okay?

OP posts:
Claw001 · 06/02/2019 09:43

If it’s accurate, but hasn’t taken account of your circumstances and you are worried about this. Write explaining and ask for a copy to be put on the file?

Original poster
NicuProblem · 06/02/2019 09:43

Why would they be concerned about DH? I visited every day bar when I had an illness. He sorted the finances and ensured he could keep working and I sorted the children. I don't see why that would be something to be concerned about and I'm really upset that they think it is. When he had paternity leave he was there daily.

OP posts:
Chimmychunga · 06/02/2019 09:44

I wouldn't take it personally, OP. It sounds like they followed procedure to log visits when a parent is mostly absent. They wouldn't be judging you, just following procedure. Is your baby home with you now? Put it all behind you and start enjoying our family!

katykins85 · 06/02/2019 09:44

Yes sorry but I would have been concerned at once a week too, that's abysmal!

Hollowvictory · 06/02/2019 09:44

Because they want you to be on the ward helping ing to care for the baby. Changing nappies, feeding, washing face being involved in its care. They wrote down your visits because they were concerned. Nothing wrong in that. It's not a personal insult it's concern for your baby.

Loungewearfan · 06/02/2019 09:46

I had an experience of very judgmental NICU staff too, they seemed to have very rigid ideas of what normal was and no concept that some families have little extended support. My focus was on my toddler as the baby was getting looked after and she needed me more.

Some people have no idea of how tough it is and how people cope differently. My Dh was in complete shock.

Could you raise it with them? It sounds as if you did a great job in the circumstances.

Confusedbeetle · 06/02/2019 09:46

It doesnt say they were concerned, they just logged the visits. Could just as easily be a concern for parents wellbeing as the babies

Original poster
NicuProblem · 06/02/2019 09:47

What is there to be concerned about? I do the bulk of the childcare and will continue to do so. DH rang daily as did I. I could understand if neither of us came in but providing one parent was there what is the problem? This was when she was 10 weeks old. For the first couple of weeks he was there daily with me.

OP posts:
ItsHardToExplain · 06/02/2019 09:47

This was the worst part of when my son was in NICU I felt emotionally split as I had an overwhelming instinct to stay with my baby and also I couldn’t stand to be apart from my other children. Also physically and emotionally healing from birth didn’t help. Your situation is far harder than mine was so I have a lot of sympathy for how you are feeling.
I completely understand how hurtful that comment must be and I feel like you are owed and apology and explanation.

starfishmummy · 06/02/2019 09:49

Our son wasn't in Nicu but spent a lot of time in hospital as a baby. Logging visitors was pretty standard as a security thing. Are you sure it's not just something like that?

But even if it's not, does it really matter in the grand scheme of things?

Original poster
NicuProblem · 06/02/2019 09:49

This was the worst part of when my son was in NICU I felt emotionally split as I had an overwhelming instinct to stay with my baby and also I couldn’t stand to be apart from my other children.

This is how I felt. I felt my older child was let down. I've always protected him as he has difficulties and needs me and at this moment I couldn't be with him and it killed me, yet when I was with him I felt awful for his sister because I needed to be with her. It was the worst experience of my life and to know people are judging me makes me feel crap.

OP posts:
Sirzy · 06/02/2019 09:52

It sounds pretty standard thing to record because it could raise concerns for how the family are coping or about the support so they need to monitor that.

LagunaBubbles · 06/02/2019 09:54

Why would they be concerned about DH?

Do you really not see why the babies Dad only visiting once a week was a concern? Confused

It sounds accurate regardless of reasons. Speak to them.

Original poster
NicuProblem · 06/02/2019 09:54

They didn't record it initially and only did it once she was about 10 weeks old. Surely they know I can't just abandon my eldest for that length of time and that my husband has to work? And when we don't drive it's even harder. I feel like my best wasn't good enough and that they looked down on me.

OP posts:
Debaser12 · 06/02/2019 09:54

My ds was in Nicu for 8 weeks. Most days I would go for midday stay an hour maybe two then home and back for 6pm and stay until staff change over at 730pm.

Dh never went in unless for meeting was Dr's.

Some days I didn't go in at all as I couldn't face it.

Some parents spend all day at the bedside, some parents I never saw. Everyone is different and deals with it in a different way. When you baby is just asleep in a box all day and night is there much point running yourself into the ground being there every waking hour. Especially if like me your up in the night expressing.

I can understand why your upset but in the grand scheme what it says in that bigger deal. I would just move on a forget about it. I was very angry and hurt about things that went on when ds was in hospital but in the end it felt better to just let go and move on.