To ask - How to I approach the 'death' chat

[user11111110]

My DM has asked for me to sort everything to do with my nan (with her) who is in her late 80's she is still very much alive but isn't in great health.

She has a will, a paid funeral plan and a plot paid for.

How do I ask my nan 'what flowers would you like' or 'what song'

She was ill at christmas and I just sat in her living room and cried because I thought she was dieing... I know when it does happen I will have to deal with everything as my DM will be in bits. How do I prepare for this and what do I need to find?

Also how do I change her next of kin?

Oh and Not really appropriate for the Daily Fail either... (just incase) 🤦🏻‍♀️🤦🏻‍♀️🤦🏻‍♀️

Say you're planning yours to leave info in your will and ask if she's ever thought about hers...

"What would you have at yours Nan? I want stairway to heaven but that's silly isn't it" etc etc

Honestly, I wouldn't. I'd leave it for her to bring up if she's bothered. I mean you know she wants to be buried as she has the plan and the plot. She may well not care about flowers/music/sandwich fillings for the wake, as she won't be there.

really sorry you're going through this, but at least you have the chance to chat to her now. It might be difficult to start, but maybe your Nan knows she doesn;t have long left (even in terms of years) and would be glad you've brought it up. Maybe start by asking where she keeps the funeral plan/will, even if you know - ask if you can go through the funeral plan with her as you're interested to see what it includes(maybe you or your mum are thinking of getting one) In the months before my mum passed away she lost the ability to communicate and we missed our chance to ask these things.Its little things like what clothes did she want to be buried in, what music, what/where are her passwords for things. Not sure that next of kin actually means anything legally, do you mean who would the hospital/g.p contact if the first instance?

Honestly, I wouldn't. If she's got a will and prepaid funeral she's actually pretty sorted. Flowers, music etc can be chosen by you and your family later. If it's important to her, she'll raise it with you. Just be prepared to listen without getting too upset when she's ready to talk about it.

(I work with the elderly, and regularly take details for funerals etc).

Next of kin - if she doesn't already have one, have a look at Lasting Powers of Attorney.

I wouldn't ask! If she has specific wishes, I'm sure she will make them known. If not, she quite possibly doesn't have any. I wouldn't risk upsetting her for the sake of something she will know nothing about when the time comes.

But I am of the opinion that funerals are for the people left behind. So I really don't care what happens at my funeral - my friends/family should have the freedom to do whatever they feel will comfort them.

As above, but if you really want to say anything how about something along the lines of "nan, I know you've sorted your plot and your funeral plan, is there anything you would particularly want on the day? any music or anything else".

barbarianMum - yes I can see your point of view, (and my dad has this attitude now!), "do what you like I won;t be there!". But it;s also about helping those left behind to feel like they are doing there best for the deceased. For example my mum's funeral plan didn't pay for everything, there were some "non crematorium" costs or something, I can't remember, was in shock, that we had to pay; and just found out a friend's mum's funeral plan that was taken out 20 years ago just has £1200 pounds in it, to pay for the funeral no actual "plan"!

I don't think everyone cares what flowers, etc they have. I wouldn't ask. If she's that bothered, she'll have put a letter with her will, I imagine.

I wouldn't approach it with her at all. Seems terrible to me to ask old people about when they die especially as She has made practical arrangements to make it easier for you all when she goes. If the other stuff was important to her I'm sure she would tell you.
Songs and music etc are for you to celebrate her life.

Of course she may live longer than all of you.

My lovely nan is actually very open about dieing today she says to me ' I woke up today when you were at the door and thought 'oh Im still surviving' she often comments about how she doesn't want to be here in another 10 years and 'not to worry' when it does happen, its more for my DM's sake to ask my nan as my mum doesn't think she will remember anything when it happens...

I reckon that if someone wants something specific, they will tell you.

My DF told DB a few days before he died what he wanted - which was just as well, as it was different from what he'd always said!

DM didn't tell us, but we did things that we thought she would have liked, but would never have asked for.

In a way, to fill the days following her death with making arrangements for her, might help you and your DM grieve?

I.guess she will.tell you if something's really important I her ? My Dad has told me he wants to be cremated and I know.where.all.his important Documents and course his will.are other than that.I don't really want to think of him Dying and I don't suppose.he does either

Maybe she has already chosen these things with her prepaid funeral plan and that’s why she hasn’t mentioned it.
I’ve already got my funeral wishes chosen and written down . More people should do it. It’s a difficult enough time for the bereaved without having to second guess someone’s funeral wishes.

You probably need to check what is in the funeral plan as they dont always cover as much as you might think. I wouldnt worry her with it though, Focus the conversations on happy memories and try and make her last times as pleasant as you can

If she says things to bring the topic up, then just steer the convo onto "How would you like to be remembered?" and that can lead to music or flowers, etc.

I arranged my DM's funeral recently, and it was useful that I remembered conversations I'd had with her, sometimes many years ago, about what she would want, eg she wanted to be cremated, and she wanted her wedding ring left on.

However other things like music and hymns, I just chose things I knew she'd liked. The main thing is to work out if she wants a religious ceremony or not. If she is at all religious, you could try asking her which hymns she likes, or leaving Songs of Praise on and saying 'I like that hymn, what do you think?' For flowers, the undertakers had a brochure and we just picked ones we liked. The undertakers give you lots of help, because most people don't arrange more than a couple of funerals in their lifetime so it's all a bit strange.

Has your gran made a will? If she has, do you know who the executor is?

You don't need to change nok, onlybnan can do that. If it's your mum just support her and do it together. Presume she is executor of will, again you can support her, or employ solicitor, unless nan wants to change her will.

I think she would have let you know if something meant that much to her but if she doesn’t seem to bothered about it maybe just mention it next time she says about going, it doesn’t sound like she’d be offended in any way and I would think she would understand why you are doing it.

My gran passed away last year and she’d said for years that she wanted certain hymns and they were in her drawer but she never specified songs so they were chosen for her. She made sure we knew the things that really mattered to her and left the rest to us. (Turns out the hymns were on double sided pages and we weren’t 100% which one she wanted so we had to do both.)

You don't have to put it into so many words, perhaps ask her if she has any favourite songs she likes just as part of a normal conversation, ditto flowers. She's got lots of things already sorted out. Even if she has dementia she knows that she won't be around for much longer so there's no need to go into harsh details with her. Death is always upsetting, no matter what the circumstances.

When she has all that in place I don't believe there's a need for a chat. DH knows what type of ceremony I want, (a celebrant, who is a childhood friend, definitely no religion.) I own my plot (that I will have my cremated remains interred in) and he will be buried in alongside me, not cremated. The headstone is paid for. He does know my floral and musical preferences but they're such tiny details. I have a life threatening condition and face yet another major operation shortly, which is why I have everything in place. It saves families such huge decisions within a couple of days of losing a loved one.

Next of Kin has no legal standing, if your Nan was taken into hospital she would chose who she wanted them to contact, however if you or your Mum asked for you to be first contact they would take note of that.

Power of attorney gives legal rights regarding managing someone's finances and or healthcare decisions. This would only kick in if she became unable to make those decisions for herself, but she would need to do it whilst still mentally capable and it would be her choice who it was. You could have a discussion with her about this if you feel it's appropriate.

I did this with my 92 year old father a few years ago. He was a pathologist in his working life and perhaps for this reason is very matter-of-fact about death! At first he was a bit dismissive, saying he didn't really care, but once I'd engaged his interest with some ideas for poems he made a few suggestions of his own. We were caught up in the love of the poems themselves and discussing who of his many actor friends would read them - it was actually quite a stimulating & positive conversation

@Confusedbeetle i think shes paid 7 grand for her funeral 🤯