To ask - How to I approach the 'death' chat

[user11111110]

My DM has asked for me to sort everything to do with my nan (with her) who is in her late 80's she is still very much alive but isn't in great health.

She has a will, a paid funeral plan and a plot paid for.

How do I ask my nan 'what flowers would you like' or 'what song'

She was ill at christmas and I just sat in her living room and cried because I thought she was dieing... I know when it does happen I will have to deal with everything as my DM will be in bits. How do I prepare for this and what do I need to find?

Also how do I change her next of kin?

My dad died 2 weeks ago & he had left notes of everything he wanted at his funeral, so it was easy, we just told the funeral director what he wanted, the humanist celebrant came & visited & talked about what we wanted in the service, my brother did the eulogy. My dad had even listed the track numbers for the music he wanted.

I found the book Let's Talk About Death Over Dinner by Michael Hebb useful. There's also the website deathoverdinner.org/

We used a very handy booklet which went through all the planning, social, financial and after the death itself. It made it less personal and we just ploughed through, kept it very 'much better to do this well ahead, and it's all hypothetical, we should all do this' kind of thing. I can post the link to the booklet if you're interested.

I’d probably just steer the conversation towards the topics without actually asking? So just casually mention angels by Robbie williams is your favourite song and ask what hers is. You saw the most gorgeous white roses outside the florist, they might be your new favourite! What would hers be? Or ask about her ideal flower garden or something along those lines?
Other stuff is up to the family really.

I think it's more important to talk about what she wants on this side of death. Does she have an advance directive? Do you know what she'd want if, for example, she had a massive stroke or heart attack and would be highly unlikely to return without neurological damage, "as herself"?

I would be forthright witj her; say 'nan, i dont want you to go anywhere but but when you do, i dont know what music you would like to have playing, and indont kmow what your favourite flowers are'. You can go on to ask about her favourite everything, get her to tell you ablut memories of particular songs or dances she went to, etc. I loved hearing about those fromy nan. Never heard much about them from my gran though. I think my nan was more romantic in that sense and she gave up work when she married, gran became a single parent and worked hard for years, theyre just different.

My mum, who is in her late 80's and getting frailer and frailer by the week, told me she intends to have one of those simplicity cremations, where there is no coffin, no service, no cars, no flowers, she will be cremated privately, then her ashes will be delivered to us, to scatter in a place of beauty (she loves Pembrokeshire) with or without any kind of ceremony. She's already paid for it. She's not religious at all, and thinks that once she has died, that's it, there is nothing more. When MIL passed away, there was a lot of angst about choosing the right hymns and the right readings, and having the right flowers. The cremation idea seems to get away from all of that- but whether, when Mum has left us, we all want to give her more of a send off, remains to be seen.

My granny has hers planned down to which caterers to use. I have to say it made things a lot easier on my parents. When we were clearing out her flat we found loads of funeral service sheets. She’d kept all of the ones from her friends and had clearly been planning what she liked/didn’t like in the same way people do for weddings.