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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Tit for Tat - Birthday Party Invites

30 replies

PineapplePrincess · 04/02/2019 23:10

Please help sort out a disagreement between DH and I...

DS4 is having a birthday party. He has already received an invite from another little boy at nursery to his party (a week or so after DS party). He often complains about this little boy, and they seem to have a fair share of ups and down; not sure DS and little boy really get on - but they are four.

DS seems to want to go to little boy’s party. And on asking DS has said to me little boy can come to his party. But on asking the nursery to compile list of names to invite, little boy’s name is missing.

DH says not to invite him. Which I’m fine with, as long as DS doesn’t accept the invite to little boy’s party. DH thinks that’s unfair, and IBU stopping DS going to the party.

I say it’s only fair to go to little boy’s party, if he’s invited and has the same opportunity to go to DS’ party too. AIBU?

OP posts:
gamerchick · 04/02/2019 23:11

The nursery chose the list of names? What's that all about?

MyKingdomForBrie · 04/02/2019 23:12

YANBU. DH is totally wrong.

LaPampa · 04/02/2019 23:13

Our nursery does that too. Helps with the names of the kids that our child plays with.

I would say same as you.

Merryoldgoat · 04/02/2019 23:13

If you’re inviting the entire class bar him I think you’re being unreasonable.

Smaller parties obviously are fine but excluding one child is quite mean. He’s 4.

My son (now 6) was always fighting with ‘Jack’ at 4. All I heard was how naughty Jack was, or he had a fight etc.

They’re best friends now.

EmeraldShamrock · 04/02/2019 23:15

Why would the nursery select suitable invitees?
If DS wants to go to his party allow him, itvseejs he likes him too, has he said he doesn't want this little boy at his. If yes then don't invite but don't go. I think they're very young for this.

NCjustforthisthread · 04/02/2019 23:16

They’re 4. Your husband is acting like a 4 year old. Your son sounds more grown up than him.

Ameliablue · 04/02/2019 23:18

He has invited your son, your son wants to go to the party and is happy for the boy too come to his. What's the problem?
I'm assuming the nursery have just made some suggestions, it shouldn't be seen as a definitive list.

WhenISnappedAndFarted · 04/02/2019 23:18

YANBU you need to do the fair thing. Your DH is in the wrong.

Children fall out all the time at this age and make friends again, I personally would invite him and keep an eye on it.

Cranky17 · 04/02/2019 23:19

Ds wants him to come though, we get asked all the time at nursery to make a list of which children to invite to parties. I now just give them a whole nursery.

Maybe the little boy wasn’t in the day the list was made or maybe he was in the toilet there are many reasons why he may have been forgotten.

Kintan · 04/02/2019 23:19

Why can’t you deviate from the list of names from the nursery? Surely they are just suggestions?

timeforteaplease1 · 04/02/2019 23:20

Don’t leave a child out.

Mean mean mean.

EmeraldShamrock · 04/02/2019 23:22

Re-read your OP. DS wants to go, and wants to invite, yes your DH is acting like a child unless the boys are completely toxic near each other. You need to get more information from the nursery why they left this boy off the list.
To add like a pp, DD has had DC in preschool she got upset with and now they're all great pals, I wouldn't burn bridges unless there is a good reason he wasn't on the list.

Heidinotinthehills · 04/02/2019 23:22

I don’t understand- surely the nursery list is just a suggested list and you could add the little boy

Original poster
PineapplePrincess · 04/02/2019 23:23

@gamerchick - The nursery chose the list of names? What's that all about?

I don’t know the names of all the kids DS plays with, so asked them to help me. Tried getting DS to give me names, but I just kept getting the same four names.

There are 40+ kids in his current nursery room, but mixed in ages from 3-5yrs; so DS will play closer with some than others. I don’t think we’re excluding any one child - I would never dream of doing that, I’d rather invite than not.

OP posts:
Dreamingofkfc · 04/02/2019 23:25

With nursery invites I've always give with the list suggested by the nursery. Everyone has always known it's a list by them so no one usually gets offended. I had this situation though that day before my son's invites came out, my son got an invite to a party and we hadn't planned inviting that boy. We did invite him as there was no issues, I just think nursery forgot who they'd said for who. I'd say go to his party, and invite him to yours if you've the space

cadburyegg · 04/02/2019 23:27

I would invite him

ittakes2 · 04/02/2019 23:30

I have always told my children if they want to go to other children's parties, unless something changes like the other child has started being horrible to my child, then we will invite that child to my child's next party. I think it would be really awkward for your son to not invite him and then very closely after go to his party.

Awwlookatmybabyspider · 04/02/2019 23:31

I find it gravely concerning that a Nursery would actively encourage, the exclusion of a child.

Original poster
PineapplePrincess · 04/02/2019 23:32

I’ve written an invite to the little boy. My intention is to invite him.

Was going to test again with DS in the morning and maybe have a quiet word with nursery to enquire why they though little boy wasn’t on the list. Happy to deviate from the list, we’ve got other friends who don’t attend nursery coming.

DH has got all animated about not inviting little boy as he say DS doesn’t like him. But he seems to think it’s okay for DS to go to the little boy’s party?

We’re actually been properly arguing over it. With a DH suggesting the DS isn’t invited to other kids parties - I think he’s assuming because an tit for tat invite doesn’t always come back DS isn’t invited, rather than others may not have parties or do ‘family/immediate friends’ celebrations.

OP posts:
PerspicaciaTick · 04/02/2019 23:37

Personally, I would go for a small party with the four children whose names DS knows.

FortunesFave · 04/02/2019 23:43

If you're only inviting 4 children then it's fine not to invite the other child...unless DS wants him that is.

Original poster
PineapplePrincess · 04/02/2019 23:45

Personally, I would go for a small party with the four children whose names DS knows.

This is the plan going forward. Currently 34wks pregnant with baby due only a few weeks after DS’ birthday. So big parties will be out, unless they are joint parties.

We didn’t want baby’s arrival to detract from DS’s birthday so we’ve booked a hall, bouncy castle and entertainment. Planning to invite about 20 kids total.

Too late to cancel now

OP posts:
littlemisscomper · 04/02/2019 23:45

Personally, I would go for a small party with the four children whose names DS knows.

I agree. Perhaps check with the nursery that there's no one else he's playing nicely with consistently that he's not mentioned to you, but otherwise just stick with those 4. Cheaper for you, more pleasant for him, fewer unnecessary presents to cause clutter and eventually hit landfill. If you only invite his 4 closest nobody can accuse you of leaving this kid out as it's clear you're doing things on a tight scale.

I would also let your little boy go to this child's party, if he wants to, and invite him for a play some other time (limited to 2 hours in case they really aren't getting along) to even things out.

Cranky17 · 04/02/2019 23:51

I think your dh needs to remember that they are only 4, children often have ups and downs in relationships

firawla · 05/02/2019 00:13

Invite him, if ds is happy to. Your dh is being a bit weird about it