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AIBU?

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Original poster

Baby age issues

36 replies

the7Vabo · 04/02/2019 20:56

I have a friend who has three absolutely gorgeous small children. I have an 11 month old. My friend told me a while ago that she feels jealous when I talk about having a second child which fingers crossed I hope I have. I was fine with that it's honest & she's an old friend. I myself sometimes feel a pang of envy when someone tells me they are pregnant as it's such a magic time.
Not long after my son was born I started to feel that she minded that he was a little younger than her children. When he turned six weeks she texted me to point out that he was no longer a newborn. Coming from someone who adores newborn babies I thought it was a bit odd. My son has a bit of a weight gain problem he's on the bottom centile & has been there or thereabouts for a long time. My friend had premature babies she often talks about how tiny they were, and their health. She once literally grabbed her child out of her buggy to hold her up against a stranger's baby to prove how tiny her baby was. There were such an age gap between her baby and the stranger's baby who was a newborn it just looked odd & the way she did it was totally manic. My baby was referred to a consultant as he is so small & she reacted like he'd stolen her child's thunder. She told me she thought the whole thing was so so strange.
I sent my wedding invites which included a picture of my son recently. She texted me to say he's turned into a 'big chubby toddler'. It pissed me off because I felt her motivation for saying it was her sadness that her older child is becoming a toddler. I snapped at her about it. She replied that she should have known better than to comment on someone's child as she's used to dancing around her in laws which just made me sound hypersensitive which im not. She has a very intense relationship with her in laws and I think she feels she has to compete with some of them to get attention for her children. She was upset one day as her MIL left her house to go to see her new grandchild.

Sorry long post. Despite my rant this girl is one if my oldest friends and we've never previously had a row. Im really fond of her. I understand the baby longing thing to a point but she's not someone struggling to conceive or whose had miscarraiges. I'm fine with her not being over the moon about my baby but I'm sick of her not allowing my child to be a baby & taking her sadness about her kids growing up out on me.

OP posts:
Gruzinkerbell1 · 04/02/2019 21:00

I don't get it.

Your friend mentioned your baby is growing up (general comment that people make about babies!) and you've taken offence and decided she's jealous?

Original poster
the7Vabo · 04/02/2019 21:28

She didn't mention he was growing up, she said he is "a big chubby toddler". A lot of people describe babies as chunky & chubby she's the opposite she"ll refer to someone s baby as "massive" & pull a face. I get why you read it like that, it's hard to explain but she is jealous.

OP posts:
Stompythedinosaur · 04/02/2019 21:43

She sounds very odd, and rather petty. Whatever she is feeling you don't make negative comments/faces about other people's kids.

If you are right about her feelings about her dc growing up, then I would be worried about the impact on her dc.

But is there any chance that you've misinterpreted her?

Strokethefurrywall · 04/02/2019 21:47

No I get what you're saying OP. She's caught up in the hype of having a "newborn" baby and all the positive attention and cooing that it brings. She no doubt received a lot of attention having a premature baby and is mentally holding on to that.

She's putting you and your baby firmly in your place (in her head) by making a pointed barb that he's a big chunky toddler. He's not, he's 11 months old but in her head she can compartmentalize him as no longer a "small baby".

I guarantee you that as soon as you announce you're pregnant, she will start coming out with a few more weird comments because she can't let go of the newborn days and the attention that comes with it, and she won't appreciate that you will have those newborn days again.

I only say this as someone who has experienced exactly the same thing, so I understand what you're talking about.

Original poster
the7Vabo · 04/02/2019 21:50

Im worried about her dc at all she is an amazing Mum. The issue is just our relationship. I get the jealousy thing having a baby is such an emotional roller coast, they change so quickly! Im annoyed about her comment as I just want her to let my son be a baby. He'll only be my baby for a little while longer.

OP posts:
Cranky17 · 04/02/2019 22:17

She sounds very emotional and quite a tricky character, it’s almost a style of one upmanship. unfortunately I think she’s in competition with you, once she realises that your ds is younger than her child and there is nothing she can do she’ll change tact and start discussing how advanced her baby is.

Or she’ll have another

Original poster
the7Vabo · 04/02/2019 22:25

To the poster that said she put me firmly in my place it's that that gets to me. That she doesn't hold herself back from texting me to point out that my baby is no longer a newborn or call him a toddler at 11 months. I'm sad in a lot of ways as we have been the best of friends for years & years but something shifted when I had a baby. She was the second person after my partner I told i was pregnant. If I manage to have a second child I think our relationship will suffer a bit to be honest.

OP posts:
Houseonahill · 04/02/2019 22:47

I understand where you are coming from and think everyone is sad in a way when they realised their baby is no longer a baby so I get her sadness too, but she is still acting weird and incredibly self centred.

I think you have two choices, accept her and her flaws and let her nasty comments slide right off you or completely tone down or end the friendship. Either is fine but you have to accept she won't change because she can't see what she's doing is wrong.

Bigonesmallone3 · 04/02/2019 22:58

Sounds like u both have minor issues with each other and both struggle to let go of the baby stage..
If those things were said to me about my baby by a bestie I think they would go straight over my head..

Original poster
the7Vabo · 04/02/2019 23:12

I think a lot of people struggle to let go of the baby stage & I will be a little sad when my baby turns 1 but also looking forward to what's ahead. Maybe those things would sail over your head. It's the motivation for saying them that gets to me. Before I had a baby she was a great friend. There's loads of competition with her in laws as well. It's like when she had kids she suddenly became very competitive, she wasn't that person before. I feel like saying to her you are better than this!

OP posts:
Ameliablue · 04/02/2019 23:13

Having a premature baby is very traumatic and is common for parents to develop PTSD after. It can be hard to adjust to what's normal for a term baby. She probably doesn't mean to upset you. Perhaps have a chat to her, acknowledging that she is probably still suffering the effects of having a premature baby but let her know that you are upset by her comments. If you are good friends you should be able to support each other.

Ihavealwaysknown · 04/02/2019 23:25

We have a prem who has majorly struggled to gain weight. DH’s step sister had a baby around the same time who is huge. DHSS insists on calling our DD a chunk, constantly saying how big she is etc. As someone who is very conscious that this is not the case it frustrates me, and in all honesty all she has to do is look at her own child and see what she is saying is not true 🙄

I’ve taken to just enjoying my own, tiny, still in 0-3month clothing at 8 months DD 😍❤️

Original poster
the7Vabo · 04/02/2019 23:41

Take the point re PTSD but it wasn't that serious, although I do think she feels she didn't enjoy the newborn stage as she had to focus on weight gain so much. I'd love to chat to her but I'm nervous about it. When I feel jealous of someone I'm hyper aware of it and policing my actions. She will talk about how one of her in laws is jealous of another getting attention one second & then say something that makes her sound jealous of the same in law the next. I don't think she has any insight about it. She says she gets into trouble with her in laws as they are hyper sensitive and I'm thinking all of them?!

OP posts:
Hadjab · 04/02/2019 23:58

’’Im annoyed about her comment as I just want her to let my son be a baby. He'll only be my baby for a little while longer.”

With the greatest of respect OP, she’s hardly preventing him from being a baby, is she? Let the comment go, and get on with enjoying each day with your baby - before you know it, he really will be a big, chubby toddler.

Stormypaige · 05/02/2019 00:05

I get what you mean. It does sound annoying. Every time she makes a comment about how ‘big’ your child is, say sometiong like ‘oh gosh yes I know, and yet he’s still tiny compared to yours isn’t he, my how they’re growing up fast!’
That’ll stop her

Ameliablue · 05/02/2019 06:30

In what way was it not that serious?

Original poster
the7Vabo · 05/02/2019 06:46

To clarify I think PTSD is serious, I meant her baby’s prematurity wasn’t serious in that the baby was a bit premature & wasn’t kept in hospital & started to gain weight quickly & has exceeded normal milestones.

OP posts:
JasperKarat · 05/02/2019 06:58

I'm not sure I'd take offence at someone calling my baby chubby, they regularly do and he's ninth centile and I have to monitor his weight gain, so it's not accurate and I've had moments where I worry about him being skinny. You both sound a bit precious

Ameliablue · 05/02/2019 07:14

If a baby is born before 37 weeks or the birth was difficult, it can still be traumatic even if it doesn't seem that way from the outside. The way you describe her changing after having children and being"manic' comparing her child's size, it sounds like it has affected her.

showmeshoyu · 05/02/2019 07:17

It sounds like she's being a bit of a "size queen".

usernameusername01 · 05/02/2019 07:18

I must have really missed the point because I'm not sure what the issue is?

She called your 11 month a 'toddler' and 'chunky' and you've said that her premature baby is 'not seriously premature'.

Think you might be as bad as you perceive her to be.

Is your baby toddling around? That might be what she means by toddler?

HeadsDownThumbsUpEveryone · 05/02/2019 07:24

I don't see what she did wrong either, it honestly sounds like the women had a horrendous time when her baby was born and is sill suffering the effects of what she went through.

I would also see big chubby toddler as an endearing term especially when said by someone you view as a friend.

I am however baffled at why your wedding invites had a picture of your son on them, that seems pretty odd.

Original poster
the7Vabo · 05/02/2019 07:24

As I’ve already tried to point out it’s not just someone calling my baby chubby. To lots of people chubby means cute, they mean nothing by it. The issue is if you tell a friend that you are worried about your baby being skinny & they start to treat it like a competition for attention.

OP posts:
ambereeree · 05/02/2019 07:29

Aww OP my second baby will be 10 months soon and I'm getting emotional. This one will be my last. But the next stage is just as wonderful and they get cuter and more adorable

pandechocolate · 05/02/2019 07:31

I get where you are coming from with this OP.

Some people struggle with other people's happiness and make it in to a competition. It sounds like this is what she is doing. She will probably make lots of comments about development and targets when they are school age too.