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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Baby age issues

36 replies

the7Vabo · 04/02/2019 20:56

I have a friend who has three absolutely gorgeous small children. I have an 11 month old. My friend told me a while ago that she feels jealous when I talk about having a second child which fingers crossed I hope I have. I was fine with that it's honest & she's an old friend. I myself sometimes feel a pang of envy when someone tells me they are pregnant as it's such a magic time.
Not long after my son was born I started to feel that she minded that he was a little younger than her children. When he turned six weeks she texted me to point out that he was no longer a newborn. Coming from someone who adores newborn babies I thought it was a bit odd. My son has a bit of a weight gain problem he's on the bottom centile & has been there or thereabouts for a long time. My friend had premature babies she often talks about how tiny they were, and their health. She once literally grabbed her child out of her buggy to hold her up against a stranger's baby to prove how tiny her baby was. There were such an age gap between her baby and the stranger's baby who was a newborn it just looked odd & the way she did it was totally manic. My baby was referred to a consultant as he is so small & she reacted like he'd stolen her child's thunder. She told me she thought the whole thing was so so strange.
I sent my wedding invites which included a picture of my son recently. She texted me to say he's turned into a 'big chubby toddler'. It pissed me off because I felt her motivation for saying it was her sadness that her older child is becoming a toddler. I snapped at her about it. She replied that she should have known better than to comment on someone's child as she's used to dancing around her in laws which just made me sound hypersensitive which im not. She has a very intense relationship with her in laws and I think she feels she has to compete with some of them to get attention for her children. She was upset one day as her MIL left her house to go to see her new grandchild.

Sorry long post. Despite my rant this girl is one if my oldest friends and we've never previously had a row. Im really fond of her. I understand the baby longing thing to a point but she's not someone struggling to conceive or whose had miscarraiges. I'm fine with her not being over the moon about my baby but I'm sick of her not allowing my child to be a baby & taking her sadness about her kids growing up out on me.

OP posts:
Cheeeeislifenow · 05/02/2019 07:31

Perhaps she is trying to reassure you.
You both sound Ott.

Original poster
the7Vabo · 05/02/2019 07:37

I said her baby was “not seriously premature” in response to someone who said she may have PTSD. All I was trying to say was she doesn’t have PTSD. I know someone who had a baby at 25 weeks who suffered hugely. I’m not saying that having a premature baby isn’t hard. At the time I was there for my friend & supported her.

OP posts:
Original poster
the7Vabo · 05/02/2019 07:41

To the person who said including a pic of my baby on my wedding invite is really weird it was just a save the date with my baby holding a sign. I thought it was cute but it might not be for everyone.
I’m lost as to why you felt the need to tell me it’s really weird though.

OP posts:
HeadsDownThumbsUpEveryone · 05/02/2019 07:42

All I was trying to say was she doesn’t have PTSD.

Well that's a very bold assumption. How could you possibly know that she doesn't have some lingering stress or trauma as a result of having several premature children? Just because her children were not born at 25 weeks doesn't mean she found it easy.

ToffeePennie · 05/02/2019 07:47

I get what you mean op. My friend (who’s only experience of babies is being around mine or around her other friends) is obsessed with saying how “gorgeous” her friends child is, how talented, how much of a stunning baby she was. She is forever comparing her to either my oldest (younger than her by 2 years and a boy) or comparing her baby stage to my little one (who is 15 months) constantly saying how petitie and tiny she was.
I know she wasn’t - she was flipping huge! She was in 18-24 months clothes at 9 months and has always been a big baby. Mine however, is on the 9th centile and has is still in 9-12 months clothes at 15 months.
It’s jealousy pure and simple and it doesn’t sit well with me that a friend can be so nasty. I ditched her.

Original poster
the7Vabo · 05/02/2019 08:07

I appreciate that my friend found having a premature baby hard. I was there for her at the time but I take your point that perhaps I haven’t given enough weight to the fact that she might still be stressed.
To clarify the person who has the baby at 25 weeks told me their entire maternity leave was spent between a hospital & their house. She freaked out when she read online that a baby born at 23 weeks had died & had to go on medication for depression.
My friend’s experience was very different her child was just a little underweight, however I’m not saying that she didn’t find it hard & I appreciate that it’s not for me to say oh you get to be upset but you don’t type thing.
I apologies to anyone I upset

OP posts:
AuntieStella · 05/02/2019 08:19

She sounds depressed, anxious and insecure, with self-esteem vanished (was going to post 'rock bottom' but I suspect it's worse than that! PTSD is a specific diagnosis, not a catch-all for any MH condition hat occurs after stress/trauma, and this scriotuon really doesn't sound like it. It does sound like others)

She needs support. She needs to feel valued, she needs (gently) steering away from overreactions. She needs to reestablish a sense of self worth, so her identity is not bound up as 'the one with the tiny preemie'

I doubt you can fix her. You can only be as tactful and supportive as you can be. And if she ever gives the slightest hint of seeking professional help, support her like crazy. She may not be capable (as a feature of the depression itself) be able to see how great the impact is on her, and genuinely not know that she may need help.

Original poster
the7Vabo · 05/02/2019 08:32

Gosh you’ve given me something to think about. Tbh I wish I could consistently just be a bigger person about it, & just brush off the comments.

OP posts:
Original poster
the7Vabo · 05/02/2019 08:54

The way you describe it has really made me think. I think that’s the crux of the issue that her self-esteem is tied to being the one who has the baby or the tiny baby. She has achieved a lot in life by most people’s standards but it doesn’t make her happy as she feels she went down the wrong path. She constantly refers to herself as “big” she really isn’t.
It manifests itself as competition & because that comes across badly I got annoyed & neglected to really consider why she is behaving this way.

OP posts:
usernameusername01 · 06/02/2019 08:50

Correct me if I'm wrong, but at no point did you say you were worried about your baby's weight until later yesterday. So lots of the replies are based on the fact that you are just annoyed that she called your baby chunky, not that your friend already knew you were worried.

Do you think you might have been slightly insensitive talking about your baby's weight worries when you know she had a tough time with her baby? I really don't think she sees it as a competition of who has the smallest baby (what a stupid thing anyway), more that she might be trying to support you but not going about it the right way.

If you have a negative opinion of your friend and think she really is like that then you need to end the friendship.

popcorndiva · 06/02/2019 09:01

I love chunky babies....those cute fat rolls. I would have taken it as a compliment

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