Help me please! 3 yo still drinking from bottle

[Chipbutty67]

I’m absolutely desperate for any and all advice about 3 related issues. DD is 3 1/2 this month and is driving me to absolute despair!!! The three related issues we have are:

1. She still drinks from a bottle!! I can’t believe I’m this parent, and I’m usually quite firm with discipline but I can’t seem to take away the bottle because;
2. She’s incredibly fussy with food and will eat a very limited variety at odd times; including
3. Will only eat at home after a massive song and dance, with me only, so won’t eat a bite at nursery or won’t even eat breakfast before nursery if we don’t have a leisurely hour to eat. In desperation I will then give a bottle with milk and pediasure so she is at least not starving at nursery, hence my inability to wean her off the bottle.

Although her nursery covers both breakfast and lunch, I have to drop her off late and collect her early just to feed her. Nursery have tried everything (offering favourite foods, giving her a toy at the table) but she won’t budge.

To top it all off, she’s an August baby so will be in Reception next year! I am panicking she won’t eat all day and am considering applying to delay school entry just because of her eating habits!!

I’ve tried to be relaxed and not make food a ‘power struggle’ but am so stressed I usually end up shouting at mealtimes, which is only going to make things worse in the long run.

I’m really scared to take away the bottle and find that she doesn’t replace the milk intake with food and her weight plummets. Even worse, she’ll only have the bottle in my lap, as she plays with my hair, and this has become her self soothing ritual. If she’s very upset (injury, illness), this is the only thing that calms her. I’ve tried replicating with cuddles and a book, cuddles and a song but she seems to want the suckling to calm.

AIBU to ask for every bit of advice I can get? I feel an absolute mess and failure to have let this get so out of hand.

I'm no expert but I would take the pressure off the situation completely.
Offer her food when you eat and if she doesn't want anything just say o.k.
kids are trained to push our buttons and if you shout and get upset it is sending all the wrong messages to her.
As long as she is drinking liquids she won't starve in a day or two.
If that fails go to the gp and ask to be referred to a dietician.
Does she have any additional needs?

Well youre giving in every time arent you? Its like sleep training. stop the bottles. Explain it to her and tell her she can have water and she needs to eat. She will eat and drink when she gets hungry/thirsty enough. If she still doesn't (even after a tantrum) time to see the GP.

@Ilovechocolatetoomuch

I know you’re right but I feel like I’ve been playing it cool for a year

No additional needs, although I did suspect it could be a sensory thing. She’s very funny about ‘textured food’ or mixed food so basically only wants completely bland or processed foods.

offer milk in a cup and a range of foods at mealtimes, and don't force her or get emotional if she won't eat. Just take it away. Make the bottle in your lap comfort thing a bedtime only ritual.

Ask the nursery to do the same, to get her to sit up with the other children and ignore the fact she isn't eating. Make sure she has milk in a cup.
Have you talked to your health visitor?

When my nearly 16 yo was a very fussy eater as a small child this book was massively rated - but it seemed to be out of print at the time. I noticed a few months ago that it seems to have been reissued.

Of course, I don’t need it anymore. She gave up her Tommee Tippee cups of milk and ate more! Don’t sweat the bottles.

www.amazon.co.uk/My-Child-Wont-Eat-mealtimes/dp/1780660057?tag=mumsnetforum-21

Hope it helps you!

Can’t she drink from a cup? I would start with that. Just offer her food at meal times and if she hasn’t eaten anything after 20 mins calmly take it away. Nothing until next meal time except water. She is unlikely to starve herself. Ignore any tantrums and don’t let her push your buttons. You’re the parent. If she does lose weight take her to see the GP.

Please don't beat yourself up, these things happen so easily. I had a similar situation, and unfortunately I don't have much advice. I eventually explained to my almost four year old that he was too big for a bottle and had to stop. And then I held firm.

It was hard, but not actually as hard as I had anticipated. He still had lots of milk, but from a cup with a lid.

I might wait until midterm if I were you, and just go cold turkey.

I'm not sure what to advise you about the eating, although my friend's daughter was very similar. It was difficult because the daughter was always quite underweight and had health issues. But what ended up happening was, my friend stopped trying to make her daughter eat, just allowed her daughter to choose when she was hungry. And things really improved from that point on. She's ten now, and my son is six, and they're both healthy and happy.

It's so hard when you're faced with a toddler who won't eat, but it will work out in the end

Sorry, cross posts!

What is it you’re shouting at mealtimes? Shouting at her to eat? I would tackle this first - you need to try to make mealtimes calm. I know it isn’t easy!

I would take ALL the pressure off food, no cajoling, no bribing, no discussing it at all. Literally put the food in the middle of the table and don’t mention it. No praising if she does put it on her plate/eat it. No ‘mmmmmm mummy loves her dinner, it’s so tasty’ etc.
Talk about your day, etc, praise her for sitting nicely at the table but no discussion of the food at all.
Make sure there is always at least one thing you know she will eat.

It will probably take a long time. Your aim isn’t to make her eat but to take the stress/pressure away from food and give her the opportunity to have a positive relationship with food.

With nursery, make sure the staff do the same. Don’t let her hear you discussing with the staff what she’s ate/ways to make her eat,etc.

The bottles are a separate issue as it sounds like it’s a comfort/sensory thing rather than just the milk. Any other signs of sensory difficulties? (You’ve listed a few-possible sensory difficulties or other difficulties- need to suck, playing with your hair, difficulties eating, will only eat if lots of time allowed/accodations made, won’t eat in nursery, fussy over food). Obviously those things on their own aren’t necessarily an issue but all added together with other possible things could be something.

It could be nothing but if she does have additional needs then you would obviously need to treat her differently than you would with a NT child.

*gwynnfluff" any top tips? My DS is super fussy and he's 9 now. I know people are really critical of fussy eaters on MN. But he is the same as OPs child - would rather go hungry than eat in front of people. He also drinks lots of milk. He is however very active and almost never ill. So I suppose it can't be that unhealthy! I think the milk has a lot of goodness in it.

gwynnfluff tried to tag you

I had a very fussy eater and when I brought her to the doctor I was tol: if she needs it she will eat it, Don't make it an argument and above all, she is eating for herself, not for you. And finally: make every mouthful count (so quality offerings only, no empty calories). Well of course she survived infanthood and is a strapping teen who loves her food now.

She was also a bottle (and soother) addict. She gave both of them up too with more stress on me than her it must be said!

@missymayhemsmum

Thank you. I limit the bottle to bed time or morning before nursery but she goes three times a week so that’s still a minimum of 10 bottles! Honestly, I’m so ashamed she’s still on bottles but too scared to stop them

My 3 year old still likes a bottle too OP He eats normally and drinks water out of cups but seems to really enjoy milk in a bottle. It's only at home so not sure if I will bother to fight with him about it.

@RiddleyW
Yes, I’m ashamed to admit I do shout at her to eat in the end as I’m just so stressed to sit there meal after meal without her eating a morsel

Re giving up bottles I was advised to dilute the milk by one ounce per day so that eventually it was more water than milk and then just water. I can't remember if that sorted it to be honest but something did.

@littledinoco

With nursery, make sure the staff do the same. Don’t let her hear you discussing with the staff what she’s ate/ways to make her eat,etc.

I do this a lot, will make a very conscious effort to stop

Yes, you’re right it’s not about the milk at all. She will happily down 2 cups of milk at the dining table but still want a bottle, or have nothing at all and still want a bottle. It’s the bottle and the ritual around it combined I think

@Quarepants thanks, that’s very encouraging to read

@Quarepants

I tried that till it was half and half but she was utterly undeterred. I think I’ll start again and persist till it’s more water than milk

Your daughter has trained you quite well, it appears. The bottles must go. All of them, right away. There is no more fussing and faffing about with mealtimes. She eats what you give her or she doesn't eat. You really need to take control because she has all the control as it stands right now. Stop being afraid of her being upset. It's just her trying to emotionally manipulate you. It will take a few or several days, but she will get over it.

Will she drink water from the bottle.

Will she drink from a sports bottle rather than a baby's bottle?
Does she have any toys with hair? Thinking dolls, my little pony, etc. What about one of those scary wig head toys for practicing doing hair on?
I'd say Ignore the bottles for now, concentrate on calm meal times. Once that is done, look at the bottles. We have a friend who was in a similar situation, her DS was obsessed with his bottles and she was worried about school starting. But when he understood that I was pregnant he asked his mum for a box and collected all of his bottles and gave them to me for the baby the next time he saw me. Parents were but he never asked for them again!

Does she "help" in the kitchen at all?

OP, if it helps you feel less guilty, I also have a 3yr old who loves his bottle still. Would drink from it all day. Just milk at bed, but drinks squash/water from it during the day. 4/5 bottles a day, easily. And I couldn't care less. He has regular dentist check ups, and the dentist said his teeth are perfect. He'll drink from a cup in public. He's 3, that's tiny to me. And I'm a single parent of 3 kids under the age of 5, I have bigger battles to fight than one that likes a bottle. It's not harming anyone, he's a lovely kid, so I let him crack on. If he wants to bring it to university with him, I'll have words then.

If it was me, I'd take the pressure off. Let her have the bottle and her lovely routine for a while longer, give her plenty of the bland plain food she likes so she doesn't have negative connotations with food. And try cooking/baking with her lots. My kids eat so much more if they have helped make it. Tell yourself in your head another month of no stress. Have a lovely time cooking dinner and baking stuff together, you enjoy your dinner with no pressure on her to eat or not eat, and let her have her bedtime routine.