Help me please! 3 yo still drinking from bottle

[Chipbutty67]

I’m absolutely desperate for any and all advice about 3 related issues. DD is 3 1/2 this month and is driving me to absolute despair!!! The three related issues we have are:

1. She still drinks from a bottle!! I can’t believe I’m this parent, and I’m usually quite firm with discipline but I can’t seem to take away the bottle because;
2. She’s incredibly fussy with food and will eat a very limited variety at odd times; including
3. Will only eat at home after a massive song and dance, with me only, so won’t eat a bite at nursery or won’t even eat breakfast before nursery if we don’t have a leisurely hour to eat. In desperation I will then give a bottle with milk and pediasure so she is at least not starving at nursery, hence my inability to wean her off the bottle.

Although her nursery covers both breakfast and lunch, I have to drop her off late and collect her early just to feed her. Nursery have tried everything (offering favourite foods, giving her a toy at the table) but she won’t budge.

To top it all off, she’s an August baby so will be in Reception next year! I am panicking she won’t eat all day and am considering applying to delay school entry just because of her eating habits!!

I’ve tried to be relaxed and not make food a ‘power struggle’ but am so stressed I usually end up shouting at mealtimes, which is only going to make things worse in the long run.

I’m really scared to take away the bottle and find that she doesn’t replace the milk intake with food and her weight plummets. Even worse, she’ll only have the bottle in my lap, as she plays with my hair, and this has become her self soothing ritual. If she’s very upset (injury, illness), this is the only thing that calms her. I’ve tried replicating with cuddles and a book, cuddles and a song but she seems to want the suckling to calm.

AIBU to ask for every bit of advice I can get? I feel an absolute mess and failure to have let this get so out of hand.

This has made me feel so much better
My three year old son adores his morning and bedtime bottle. We got him a 'big boy cup' which he will have milk from in the day but in the evening demands his 'white bottle' 🤣 he brushes his teeth like a dream and he will grow out of it so I'm not too fussed

Don't feel bad there's an area of parenting for us all where we let things go on too long.

With the bottles. Chuck them out and just have cups. You'll be less tempted to use them and give in.

As for fussy eating. She will eat and is just testing the boundaries and succeeding. Just say here's dinner and stick with it.

Aas others have said, stop making food a battle ground. You choose the time she eats, put the food on the table, If she refuses or throws a tantrum ignore it and take away the food. A child can go without food for a month without dying provided they drink water. Milk will simply take the edge off her hunger.
The bottles HAVE TO GO
That is your only task. I am sorry to be so blunt but this is getting in the way of everything and you will achieve nothing until you physically throw away every bottle in the house
Do not try and persuade her to eat and never shout at her for not eating.

keep this mantra in your head, she needs to be seriously hungry. Missing meals and bottles will do that

I distinctly remember being forced to clear my plate as a child, so they view her as spoiled.

It’s makes every decision about food so loaded. Some days I know she’ll eat happily if I just give her bloody nuggets and chips but I wrestle with feeding her vs setting her up w unhealthy food habits for life

You are right to be concerned as so many adults have a poor relationship with food.
The good thing is that you are aware of it which means you can make sure you deliver the right approach from now on.

It’s important to take all the emotion from it. They pick up on your stress much more than you realise so she will no doubt be aware that dinner/food is stressful for you and therefore for her.
Easier said than done but once you completely relax over it, it’s so much better. I couldn’t even tell you how much my DC eat/who’s eaten what etc as I put it all out and have genuinely stopped noticing. Meal times are strsss free and really lovely.

A pp said to praise her when she eats. It’s really important not to do this. You don’t want her associating food with a reward. (Lots of adults ‘reward’ themselves with food-cake after a hard day at work, chocolate when put kids to bed, etc. It’s not a good habit to get into). It also means she is being ‘punished’ (by no praise) when she doesn’t eat.
Food is food. Not something to be associated with good or bad behaviour.

Make a list of what she eats, so chicken nuggets, chips, etc.
Put them out in the middle of the table along with other things. Always at least one thing she likes. If she likes milk, I would probably put a cup of milk out sometimes, just so it’s taking all the stress out of it for her (rather than making milk something she gets when she doesn’t eat).

It will take a long time. You are not looking for results in terms of eating, you are just removing all the strsss from food and setting her up with healthy eating habits for life.

You mention she likes to cook with you. Keep on doing this but no mention of things being tasty, why doesn’t she try just a bit, lick the spoon, just smell it, etc. Give her praise for stirring it, measuring it, etc.
If she does try it, don’t comment. If she speaks to you about tasting it, just answer her in a very matter of fact way.

Stressing or not stressing, the result will be the same, she won't eat, but if you stress you will just upset both of you.
I know how hard this is.

I would advise buy straws, try giving her straws and tiny little umbrellas in drinks. Even a sip out a cup is progress.
Cut giant holes in the teat of the bottle so that she drinks it quickly and is not having it in her mouth for ages, if you are worried about her teeth. (I wouldnt worry about that myself but you might be getting worked up over that)

Lastly, look up the brushing technique. You get a brush and brush her several times a day, this helps with her sensory issues. (It really does) but it will be gradually. Bit by bit she will tolerate things in her mouth.

I went to a parenting course for children with autism. The expert told us 'your job is to put good nutritious food in front of your child. Thats it. No chasing, bribing or spooning or stressing. Just give them something decent and move on. Even if they are only eating one thing. Job done.'

You could take her out to buy a 'special cup' that she chooses for mealtimes. I would stop the pediasure as that is filling her up. She won't eat if she's not hungry. Take her shopping with you and when cooking, make the food look 'fun' ie pancakes with a happy fruit face or star shaped sandwiches and let her cut it up or decorate. I, personally would go cold turkey with the bottle morning and night. Good luck!