To not tell the rest of my family I have a small aneurysm?

[Danglyspider]

Ok, so in November I slipped down the stairs and, hit my head. Obviously had some concussion, but just took it easy to recover. A week later, my hand was twitching, (which happens with me sometimes, and is fatigue-related) but this time it got worse, extended up my arm, and across my head, and I felt like I was having a seizure. Didn't pass out, just was very shaky, and 'buzzy'.
GP, obviously suspecting epilepsy, referred me for an MRI and to Neurology. Had the scan in December, and the Neuro appointment this morning. Having not heard anything since December, just thought that they'd probably not found anything, and would be told all was well.
However, the Neuro sat me down, asked me a few medical history questions and then said I had a 4mm aneurysm. They'll probably just watch and wait and see if it gets any bigger, if it gets to 8 or 9mm then they'll operate. That's all fine.
I came back and told DH, who, like his brilliant usual self, was very chilled about it all. However, we then talked about whether to tell my parents and the two older children about it and couldn't really decide together (the two younger children both have ASD, so no point discussing it with them). DH thinks I should tell my parents but agrees probably best not to tell the kids, as it'll just worry them, and my ex will just accuse me of trying to emotionally manipulate them. DD is at university, and DS spends most of his time at his Dad's and is doing his GCSE's this year, so I wouldn't want to unnecessarily worry them, but I know they'd be pissed if anything happened and I hadn't told them. But, if I tell my parents, I have a strong suspicion that even if I ask them not to, they'll let it slip to the kids. SO, do I just tell them all, or none of them? Bearing in mind that DH often goes away for a week at a time for work, and I'm on my own with the DCs, I do feel that someone ought to know, just in case. And if I reverse it with any of them, in every case, I would want to know about it. Or am I just being a worrywart?

Anyone?

If you think they will tell the kids then no. The kids don't need the worry if the chances are you are going be fine.

It's a very difficult one. I think if I was in this situation I would do a bit more reading first so I fully understood the implications, then this would also help to answer questions if you do decide to tell them. The NHS choices website is fairly good for info on various medical conditions, but try not to worry yourself. It's always difficult knowing what the right thing to do in these situations, I think I would lean towards telling everyone but I'm fairly open.

I think you should think it over. The appointment was just this morning. You know your family best, and whether this will be to the advantage or disadvantage of everyone. You don't need to tell them imminently (or ever), but you might want to tell them, in say a few months.

In the short term at least, will them finding out benefit anyone? If 'anything happens' could family be available then (as they would in any other operation or accident etc)? Will them being aware of this in advance change this?

The other thing is whether you yourself will feel a weight off your mind in just telling them, which would be a positive.

Also, for their own health, would your medical team recommend family screening etc, for which it would be beneficial to let them know?

I wouldn’t. Not till exams were over and if it grows.
You are very brave. I know nothing about your condition but if it’s not likely to do you harm in the near future I’d hold off worrying them.
Hugs xx

If it is going to affect your behaviour or cognitive ability then tell them so they understand why you are different.

If not, why worry them unnecessarily? Can you nominate a friend or colleague to be your emergency contact, or even your ex?

Thanks everyone. I think I am going to think very carefully before telling any of them, as once it's said it can't be unsaid, and I really don't want to worry them all unnecessarily. I think at some point I'll have to let the kids know for future screening, but I don't think it's really the right year. I'm still not sure whether to tell my parents or not, because although I don't want to worry them or risk them telling the DCs, I'd also want to make sure that someone who's on the emergency list for the boys is aware. Maybe I ought to tell the boys' special school instead? :/

MissU, I don't think it'll really change anything unless it suddenly ruptures, in which case it'll be emergency surgery, coma or death. At the moment it just gives me headaches and the odd episode of seizure-like tremors (usually when I'm tired, have had too much caffeine, or am under fluorescent lighting), so as long as that doesn't get worse, it should be fine. I think it might also be wise to wait until I see the neurosurgeon, as then I'll know whether it's going to be a wait-and-watch or 'we need to do something' kind of scenario. As far as I can tell, aneurysm's of under 7mm are usually WAW but it might be different because of my situation or where it's located...? I could potentially nominate a friend but most of them work/have their own commitments and responsibilities. (Would unfortunately spit on my ex's grave, (as would DH, and he's the kindest, most laid-back person I know,) so that's unfortunately not an option.)

Personally I would tell your family. It's better they are prepared and know a little if anything happens. But I'm quite open and would feel it was a secret being kept for no good reason.

Seeing the neurosurgeon first sounds like a good plan. It may turn out that your family needs to know, even just for practical reasons. (i.e. so they will know what to do if you have an emergency. )

Will you get a medical-alert bracelet too? It would probably be a good idea but then your family will see it and ask questions.

I'm sorry about your illness. I hope it remains stable and nothing ever needs to be done.

Difficult situation for you.
Maybe you need to decide what it is you need to say from 1) a practical point of view and then 2) from an emotional one. If that makes any sense?
For the practical side of things i.e. emergency contacts if you were taken ill, then you could just tell people you have had few symptoms that require some more tests, and though it is very unlikely to lead to anything, you just would feel happier to know you had an extra person to call on etc.
From an emotional point of view, to cover the unlikely event of your being taken seriously ill or worse, then write some letters to your children and parents, and tell your DH where you have hidden them, exposing why you didn’t tell them now and whatever else you would like them to hear.
Hope it all works out that you don’t need them.

explaining not exposing

MissU, I hadn't thought about having a medical alert bracelet, but it's worth looking into, I think. And yes, faded, I think if I'm not going to tell them, it's probably a good idea to leave some letters to explain why. I said I'd be worried about any backlash from them being angry with DH for us not telling them if anything happened, but he said he wouldn't be bothered about it. Still, it's all stuff to think about. I'm slightly worried my DSM is going to ring tomorrow to ask about it, as she pointedly looks at my wall calendar every time she's here, but I think I'll just brush it off for now. The thing is, as I said to DH earlier, if it was them that had something similar, I would want to know about it, and I would be angry if they didn't tell me, so I know what I theoretically ought to do, and it's probably very hypocritical of me to say 'oh, but it's different', but I think in the case of the 2 older DCs it IS different, and my DPs I'm just not sure can be trusted to not say anything to them, even though they might not do it deliberately, iyswim? Hmm. Lots of thinking, I think.

I don’t think you are overthinking it at all, DanglySpider, just trying to do what is best for all concerned, at the present level of knowledge you have.
It’s not straightforward. You don’t have a crystal ball. You just do the best you can with the information you have at the moment. When you know more, you can have a rethink.

Thanks Faded, that means a lot!

If it's something that may reoccur, or potentially your kids themselves could experience in the future, I agree completely with not telling them right now, but I think you should probably have a discussion when it isn't going to risk affecting their academic work being distracted by it etc. Not any time soon, just when you feel they're ok to hear it.

I have a couple of things on both parents' sides of the family history with aneurysms, and I'm aware it's something I may have to take into account as potentially being at slightly higher risk for than the general population - this doesn't especially worry me or anything, it's not like I have a guarantee that it'll affect me, but I am glad that I know about it, so if I ever DO need to refer back to it, I can.

There was no need for me to have a "by the way, grandad died because of X, your dad is probably going to need an op for it in the future (he did), and you'd be wise to keep an eye on it yourself in a few decades" conversation as a teenager, but knowing about it now I'm older is definitely a good thing in my view.

I never discuss my health with anyone else, even OH is in the dark over some things.

Good that you are thinking of the possibilities, thinking for the best. No advice from me about the children.

Not to piss on your chips, but have you made a Will? You should any way. My DH died of a cerebral aneurysm; though it was out of the blue, we were all sorted, Will-wise.

All the best, Dangly

What's your reasoning tillytrotter1? (Genuine q.) Instinct or ...?

Why not take your own time to get used to the news OP? You're not obliged to take any specific action in mmediately.

Reverse it, how would you feel if they had this happen to them, and they didn't tell you? Let that be your guide.

Personally I think you should tell them. Do them the honour of respecting their love for you. They would likely want to love and care for you, even if there's not anything that can actually be done as yet.

Yeah, Ehlana, you have a point. And while technically yes, it's a private thing, and therefore not necessary to tell them, I would want to know if it was them, even if there was nothing I could really DO, as such.
I do need to make a will, though, so at least it might give me and DH a kick up the backside to get that sorted, although I really don't have much to leave anyone. But I will at least write down what I'd want if I snuffed it suddenly. I sadly had to go to the funeral of a friend the other day, and they'd not written down anything specific so the eulogy ended up being this weird conglomeration of memories from people at his hobby club, and I know I'd want to say a few farewells and choicely put 'fuck-off's in there for humour! :D It might all be a bit unnecessary - hopefully it'll just stay the same size, the symptoms will go away and they won't want to do anything with it!

Sorry to hear you are going through this OP. What a wonderful mum you are, thinking about this so carefully.

I have to say though, my parents used to hold medical things from me when I was a child/teen so as not to scare me. It left me not trusting them to be honest with me and even to this day, as close as I am to them I still feel like they keep things from me even if they assure me they aren't. Personally, as much as I am a worrier, if I was your child i would like to know because if (God forbid) anything serious should happen, at least they knew it was a possibility and have had time to get their heads around it. I agree with after exams though. But of course you know your family best!

You need some time to get your head around it - maybe not make a decision for a little while? Is there any reason why you couldn't have surgery sooner rather than wait for it to get worse? Sorry if that's inappropriate - I don't know anything about this.

Personally, I would disclose to closest family members if they were old enough to understand. If you were in the company of one of them and God forbid it were to rupture then I'm sure they would be able to get you the right medical treatment faster. Gently explain to them that the chances of it ever rupturing are extremely low and its good that it has been discovered because the doctor's will be able to keep an eye on it. Good luck whatever you decide to do, it must be scary but many many people have them and don't even realize. The chances of a haemorrhage are very slim and even more so if it's being monitored.

Sending you hugs. My husband suffered from a massive aneurysm almost 5 years ago. I wish we’d known in advance, it would have helped, as things became very difficult. The pressure when you’re faced with that situation is immense, it would have helped for all family members to have been even a little more prepared.