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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU? Don't think so - but this teacher is.

54 replies

MoreCheeseDear · 04/02/2019 16:12

I used to be a teacher and am usually on the side of schools most of the time but my niece has had a real problem with her child's teacher today.

Her DD who I'll call Bella is 8 soon and is having a small party for 7 friends. It's a pottery party, they make pots and plates and paint them. There is also food provided. Bella invited 6 girls from school and her cousin.

The class teacher asked to have a word today after school. There is a girl in the class I'll call Alice who has been unpleasant to Bella ever since nursery school. She's pinched her and pushes her over and niece has had to speak to the school about it a few times. Mostly Bella stays away from her. Alice went home and cried to her mother because she wanted to go to Bella's party and her mother asked the teacher to have a word with niece.

Now, if I was that teacher I would have just said no. But the teacher asked niece if there was some way that Bella could be included. Niece said it wasn't possible 8 places only - booked and paid for. She was so stunned to be asked that she just left but she wants to make it clear to the teacher that she should not have asked in the first place. Especially as Bella has been "bullied" by Alice in the past. And she doesn't want to be put in that position again.

It isn't a school where whole class parties are a thing - most are groups of 8 to 10 from a class of 30.

It was an unreasonable request, wasn't it?

OP posts:
Travis1 · 04/02/2019 16:14

Very much an unreasonable request on the teachers part. sounds like the other mother put her in an awkward position.

mummymeister · 04/02/2019 16:15

If the teacher didn't know about the bullying by Alice then no its not unreasonable. If she did then it is. you cant make kids like each other and forcing them to be friends is a pretty horrible thing to do. be polite, play nicely etc but you don't have to be best buddies with everyone.

Merryoldgoat · 04/02/2019 16:18

Entirely unreasonable of the teacher and the girl’s mother Is doing her no favours by not explaining she can’t be included in everything.

frugalkitty · 04/02/2019 16:19

No, the teacher should have told thebother mum that it's not her place to be organising party invites and directed the mum to your niece. I'm a teacher too, you can't make children be friends and actually they need to understand that sometimes they just don't get invited to things. I'm sure everyone involved means well, but I agree with you on this OP.

Original poster
MoreCheeseDear · 04/02/2019 16:19

I don't think it would be reasonable even without the bullying. Teachers can't tell parents who to invite to parties. None of their business. Unless it's 29 invited and 1 not. Well, that's how I feel.

OP posts:
mbosnz · 04/02/2019 16:20

Um. YES!!!!!

I don't know what leaves me more flabbergasted - the sense of entitlement emanating from Alice and her mother - or the teacher being prepared to get involved and on behalf of that child and mother. That's utterly ridiculous! (Not to mention the utter lack of awareness shown by Alice's mother.)

I'm with Bella's mother - I'd be making it very clear I thought it was utterly inappropriate that the teacher was prepared to interfere on behalf of Alice and her mother, and making it equally clear I expected the teacher, having involved herself, to clearly explain to Alice's mother why Alice was not, and should not have expected to be invited to Bella's party.

WOW!

AnneLovesGilbert · 04/02/2019 16:22

I agree, no way it’s acceptable whether or not she knew. And she should know!

I don’t blame your niece for feeling very put on the spot. The teacher was far overstepping.

Poloshot · 04/02/2019 16:22

Yes she's just poking her nose, I'd tell her to keep it out.

flumposie · 04/02/2019 16:23

none of the teacher's business and I'm a teacher.

Soubriquet · 04/02/2019 16:23

Very inappropriate

I would not be impressed if I was Bella’s mother and I would be making that clear.

My dd is having a party next month with 6 friends. I wish I could invite more but I simply can’t afford to. I would be mortified if I was asked by a teacher to include a certain child, and extremely angry if it was one who bullied my child.

MrsMoastyToasty · 04/02/2019 16:25

It's incredibly bad manners on the part of the child and the parent.

Original poster
MoreCheeseDear · 04/02/2019 16:26

I'm glad it's not just me and my niece. It may be that Alice's DM put the teacher in a difficult position but the teacher should have just said she wasn't prepared to do that. I cannot imagine ever doing that when I was a teacher.

OP posts:
CarolDanvers · 04/02/2019 16:26

There is an excellent chance I would have laughed incredulously right in her face. Ridiculous.

TheLostTargaryen · 04/02/2019 16:30

I would say to both the teacher and more importantly, Alice's mum that if she was invited to someone's party she would receive and invite and it's very bad manners to demand an invitation. I guess that kind of entitled attitude explains why the kid is such a horror though.

Mishappening · 04/02/2019 16:30

I find it amazing that a teacher would not simply say "Sorry, not something I can get involved in."

TheLostTargaryen · 04/02/2019 16:31

Receive an invite*

HeadsDownThumbsUpEveryone · 04/02/2019 16:32

As a teacher I also think your Niece's teacher is being unreasonable. Unless there is a huge drip feed that Alice is the only girl in the class not invited then it's neither her mum or the Teachers business to get involved.

I would have kindly explained to Alice's mum that unfortunately this is not a school issue. I might also have explained to Alice that she can invite whom ever she choses to her birthday party but sometimes you don't always get to have a turn and whilst it's ok to be a little sad there will be plenty of things she does get invited to either along with or which do not include Bella.

labazsisgoingmad · 04/02/2019 16:34

nothing to do with the teacher and she should not have been put in this position girl doesnt sound very nice at all and its best if she is avoided. you cant be nasty to someone then expect them to invite you to a special occasion its a lesson both the girl and the mum need to learn

IMakeNoPromises · 04/02/2019 16:35

The teacher was BVU! To ask the DN is out of order, if she felt the need to get involved she should've spoken to DNs mum not put DN on the spot. That's by the by though as Alices and het mum sound V entitled!

Original poster
MoreCheeseDear · 04/02/2019 16:38

Sorry if it wasn't lear it was Bella's mum (my niece) who was asked.

As far as I know there's a fairly even boy/girl split so it's not one girl left out.

OP posts:
Magenta82 · 04/02/2019 16:39

One girl invited all the girls in her class to her science themed party except my 7 year old niece. When my niece asked why she didn't get an invite the answer was "you're not clever enough".

My niece was heartbroken and we all comforted her and made a fuss of her to try to cheer her up. We were all horrified at the behaviour but none of us insisted she get an invite.

Upsy1981 · 04/02/2019 16:40

Unless there are only 7 girls in the class and Alice is only one not invited then YANBU. If Alice is only one not invited then that changes things a little. Given the history, I would still understand Bellanot wanting her there but I'm not sure it would be so clear cut.

Babyboysarenowbig · 04/02/2019 16:45

Totally unreasonable

Iloveacurry · 04/02/2019 16:46

Surely the teacher should say ‘I can’t get involved with this’, the party is nothing to do with school or the teachers. The only time they would need to get involved is if just one child from a whole class wasn’t invited. Also very wrong of Alice’s mum to speak to the teacher about the invite ....

SpringForEver · 04/02/2019 16:48

This just shows why the child is a bully I suppose. Asking for everything she wants and probably getting it.

The teacher should be made aware of the bullying and told not to interfere in things that are not her responsibility. The child was not invited and isn't a friend, it should be left that way.