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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU? Don't think so - but this teacher is.

54 replies

MoreCheeseDear · 04/02/2019 16:12

I used to be a teacher and am usually on the side of schools most of the time but my niece has had a real problem with her child's teacher today.

Her DD who I'll call Bella is 8 soon and is having a small party for 7 friends. It's a pottery party, they make pots and plates and paint them. There is also food provided. Bella invited 6 girls from school and her cousin.

The class teacher asked to have a word today after school. There is a girl in the class I'll call Alice who has been unpleasant to Bella ever since nursery school. She's pinched her and pushes her over and niece has had to speak to the school about it a few times. Mostly Bella stays away from her. Alice went home and cried to her mother because she wanted to go to Bella's party and her mother asked the teacher to have a word with niece.

Now, if I was that teacher I would have just said no. But the teacher asked niece if there was some way that Bella could be included. Niece said it wasn't possible 8 places only - booked and paid for. She was so stunned to be asked that she just left but she wants to make it clear to the teacher that she should not have asked in the first place. Especially as Bella has been "bullied" by Alice in the past. And she doesn't want to be put in that position again.

It isn't a school where whole class parties are a thing - most are groups of 8 to 10 from a class of 30.

It was an unreasonable request, wasn't it?

OP posts:
Somethingsmellsnice · 04/02/2019 16:49

I bet the teacher is friends with Alice's Mum because no normal person would even dream of doing this.

BartonHollow · 04/02/2019 16:49

Ridiculous behaviour from the mother and the teacher should have known it was absolutely not her place to interfere and told her so instead of summoning your niece in like a naughty child

MortyVicar · 04/02/2019 17:18

Cheese I agree with you - the bullying is completely irrelevant here. The mother shouldn't have asked, and I'm astounded that the teacher agreed to speak to your niece.

Is the teacher young and/or newly qualified and inexperienced? It's the only reason (apart from the possible friendship between teacher and Alice's mum) I can think of that would make her think that it was appropriate to get involved.

Personally (uni lecturer, family of teachers) I'd be advising your niece to have a word with the head.

diddl · 04/02/2019 17:18

"If the teacher didn't know about the bullying by Alice then no its not unreasonable."

Of course it is- if it's just for 6 girls then it's unlikely that Alice is the only girl not invited.

Teacher should have told Alice's mum that it wasn't her place to get involved.

FrancisCrawford · 04/02/2019 17:28

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

AWishForWingsThatWork · 04/02/2019 17:29

Teacher needs a stern talking to; she should not have gotten involved under the described circumstances. And if she has been talked to about the bullying by Alice towards Bella previously, then I would even go over her head to complain.

My answer would be different if she was the only girl in the class or year group not being invited. Then I would want to know if the bullying was directed at Bella or fairly widespread amongst the children.

Ihatemyseleffordoingthis · 04/02/2019 17:30

Alice's mother is totally out of order
The teacher is a fool for going along with it
She also needs to be made aware, if she is not already about the context of bullying, before accusations of the same are levelled at Bella
Presumably another half dozen little girls are also not invited and taking it on the chin.
Poor little Alice though, being brought up by a parent who has such a skewed sense of their importance in the world.

Dieu · 04/02/2019 17:33

Alice will just need to bloody lump it!

The whole idea of inviting a child's tormentor to their party is bloody ridiculous and entitled.

YANBU.

cherish123 · 04/02/2019 17:33

Class teacher should not have got involved.

BoneyBackJefferson · 04/02/2019 17:39

I would be willing to bet that the mother and daughter have spun a whole story to the teacher to get them to ask this.

Ghanagirl · 04/02/2019 17:50

@mummymeister
Why should OP’s niece invite a child she’s not friends even if child is perfectly lovely.
Bella is having 6 friends from a class of 30,
What if all parents decided their kids are entitled to invite.
If I was a teacher would definitely encourage a parent to invite lone left out child of 30 but at age 7 they have friendship group and inviting a girl who picked on DD is unfair as it’s her special day.
Alice not at fault but both her mum and teacher need support her to realise that

  1. she’s not entitled to go to an event that she’s not being invited to.
  2. bad behaviour has consequences.
Maelstrop · 04/02/2019 17:53

Alice’s dm is batshit, the teacher barely less so to actually ask I’d bollock the teacher and speak directly to the parent to explain exactly why her child is not invited.

IncrediblySadToo · 04/02/2019 18:02

The teacher needs to locate her backbone. Alice’s mother should have been told that it’s up to Bella and her parents who she invites to her party.

I don’t think it’s for the teacher to get involved, even if it is 29/30 invited. At the most, have a rule re under 10, ALL girls, ALL boys, entire class invites can be handed out at school, anything else ‘on your own time’. At most.

I disagree with any child being forced to invite a child that has behaved like Alice. Alices need to learn that their behaviour has consequences.

EyesUnderARock · 04/02/2019 18:04

The teacher was absolutely in the wrong. The only possible explanation for me is that she’s either a wet lettuce or an NQT or both. I’d put in a polite email setting out my opinion of her manipulative behaviour. At least she talked to the adult, rather than Bella.

Original poster
MoreCheeseDear · 04/02/2019 18:07

I also suspect the teacher may be a NQT, Morty. A bit out of her depth in the face of a pushy parent, perhaps.

Niece has talked it over with her DH and she doesn't want to make a huge fuss but she is going to tell the teacher she was out of order in even asking.

OP posts:
recrudescence · 04/02/2019 18:17

This teacher has so patently, obviously got it wrong by interfering that I can’t believe anyone would need to check here - especially someone who was formerly a teacher herself.

GruciusMalfoy · 04/02/2019 18:29

I'd guess this was a newly qualified teacher, perhaps this is the first time such a thing has come up. It's absolutely not her place to get involved with birthday invitations, Alice's mum was totally unreasonable to bring it up with the teacher and put her in an awkward spot.

WhyDontYouComeOnOver · 04/02/2019 18:31

I'm a teacher and this happened to me, funnily enough in my NQT year. I told the parent that parties were after school activities and therefore nothing to do with me. She wasn't happy but oh well. That child was also an entitled bully.

dulcefarniente · 04/02/2019 18:45

Teacher is totally out of order but perhaps she was bullied into it by the DM. I wouldn't invite a bully to a party and would let school know why.

IggyAce · 04/02/2019 18:59

As a result of something similar happening at my dcs school, they can no longer hand invites out in class, they have to hand them out at the end of the day as the children exit. However my dc kept missing two of his friends because they go to after school care and his teacher still wouldn’t let him give them in class. Luckily I’m friends on fb with those parents so sent a message.

Original poster
MoreCheeseDear · 05/02/2019 10:29

Update.

Niece received an unqualified apology when she went in this morning. She has the impression that Alice's mother implied she was the only girl left out, although this wasn't stated openly.

OP posts:
AWishForWingsThatWork · 05/02/2019 17:36

I'm glad the teacher apologised.

Purpletigers · 05/02/2019 18:39

Birthday party invitations should never be handed out in school , risking those not invited for whatever reason, feeling left out . Next time, remind your sister to organise the party by text or phone call .

bridgetreilly · 05/02/2019 18:46

Teacher should have said to A's mother, "I'm sorry but it's none of my business who the children choose to spend time with out of school. If you have an issue, you need to speak to B's mother directly."

Teachers absolutely should not be policing birthday party invitations!

bridgetreilly · 05/02/2019 18:47

Oh, sorry, didn't see the update. I'm glad the teacher apologised.