My boyfriend has made my mental health worse

[user99999]

I've had chronic depression for years. My DP knows about it, but I've never really spoke about it so I don't think he thinks it's a big thing and never notices the signs when I'm going through a rough patch.
For the past 4 weeks I've been having way more bad days than good. I'm lazy and impatient and angry and overall drained. Every day I get up and tell myself in my mind that I'll do better for DS and I try with absolutely everything I have, I find the energy to get up and get stuff done and play, and I've been proud of myself for that.
I obviously haven't spoke to DP about feeling like this. I really struggle talking about it.

Last night he sat me down and had a conversation about how I'm being lazy and not pulling my weight in the relationship and that escalated to being told I'm a shit mum because if it was up to me I'd have DS living in a 'shit tip', I'm a shit mum because I don't play with DS enough. He told me he now prefers him over me because he knows he actually gets attention from him. He told me I'm a 'lazy bitch', that I'm ungrateful, that I'm a shit person, that he's only with me because he believes I'll make it difficult for him to see DS, that I need him and he could leave me 'on my ass' if he left and he'd have no problem because I don't deserve the stuff he's given me, berated me for only working part time and only going back to work when DS when 18 months and not beforehand.
Fair enough, I wasn't innocent in saying hurtful things. My guard went up but his comments hit home much more and I'm sure he must've knew when he was saying stuff about me as a mum.

I've woke up this morning never feeling worse. Feel like I'm absolutely useless as a parent- that it's them 2 with me on the outside as a useless and incompetent parent. I just feel awful.

Go to your GP/HV as soon as possible. Tell them waht has happened and get yoruself some additional support.

Being charitable yor DP may have been trying to give you a 'tough love' talk. But either way, you have said he has a point, you are experiencing additinal difficulties at the moment. For your own sake you need to access more support.

Once you have that you can think through what he did. Is he a total gobsite, or a man at the end of his tether who tried and pitched it wrong?

Either way, he can wait. You must come first!

Good luck.

OP, are you on antidepressants? Because if not, I think you need to be. And once your mental health improves and you are feeling stronger, you should sit down and have a good hard think about whether this unsympathetic selfish knob of a partner is someone you actually want in your life at all.
He seems to lack any understanding of depression, and is entirely focused on the inconvenience to him. I’d be showing him the door, frankly.
Please see your GP urgently. My best wishes for a much happier future - with or without your partner.

I had this with my exh, told me I didn't know how to be a mum, when I was struggling with mh issues. I told him to get out & my mental health improved.

I know it's easier said than done ( it was my house, so no problem there), but he's massively making your mental health worse.

He sounds like a complete abuser. Who the hell does he think he is critiquing your parenting and household skills? Does he think he could do it better? Arrogant twat .

I would get my ducks in a row op.

He seems to lack any understanding of depression
To be fair to him OP hasn't communicated well with him about her depression and how it's affecting her. And so it probably does come across as laziness or not caring. It's not unreasonable to have a conversation if you're not happy in your relationship and he's obviously not. Okay so he sounds like he handled it badly but OP says she wasn't innocent in what she said either so they probably wound each other up.
It's very difficult communicating how crap you feel with depression. It feels like everyone else should be able to see how crap it is, and if you say anything at all you think other people should work out how bad you feel just from that. (Needless to say it doesn't work that well). You need to sit down and explain just how bad it is calmly. And get to the GP for help. If DP doesn't then change his attitude you can think about what you want, but you need to be trying to sort the problem and communicating with him - he can't help if he doesn't know there's a real problem.

I think it’s a bit of a red flag that you both don’t discuss your MH, it’s part of your health and something you struggle with – you should be able to talk openly with your partner about it and how it impacts your day to day life.
Agree with PP, can you go to the GP and let them know you are having a bad patch to see if they can offer more support?
You aren’t useless and incompetent, you’re unwell and doing your best. Your partner should never speak to you like that, no matter how frustrated he might be.

Are you having treatment for your depression? If so you might need to change medications, please see your GP.

Lack of energy, low motivation are common (treatable) symptoms of depression.

I'm not sure why you expect your partner to understand if you haven't spoken to him about how depression affects you?

Hope you feel better soon.

Thanks everyone.
Not currently undergoing treatment, has been on and off for years. Also not on any medication as I never liked the idea of using it.

I completely get that he can't understand when I haven't spoke to him, that's just where it feels difficult for me because I struggle so much to talk about it and just feel desperate for someone to get it without me having to discuss it.

Thing is, no one will just “get it” if you don’t talk about it. Someone who has never had depression will never understand it properly, but can at least empathise if you explain. But they won’t just get it. Also people who have had depression themselves won’t necessarily just get it either, because it’s different for all of us.

I think you need to talk to someone, but tbh I wouldn’t make that your partner after he’s said that. You need help and to get better, and you need to do that for you and your son, not for your partner. Get thee to the GP.

I struggle so much to talk about it and just feel desperate for someone to get it without me having to discuss it.
Know the feeling! Could you write it down for him? Even if it's just 'I'm really struggling with depression, I need your support badly and I need you to work out how I feel without me having to try and put it into words'? Or tell him that he needs to sit and listen without saying anything until you're finished so that at least you're not discussing it as such? There's no obvious easy solution.

What were the hurtful things you said to him? You've made him sound like a monster, and he may well be, but you've not mentioned your (admitted) part in it.

You need to be open with him about your condition. I'm in a similar position health wise and it's far easier to be straight than trying to skirt around the issue. Without some knowledge of what you're going through he can't even try to empathise.

Men are pretty crap with guessing what's going on in our heads and don't understand everything we feel but I don't think that gives him an excuse not to "notice", especially if you mh has been this bad.
After having my daughter my anxiety and depression got worse and I didnt talk about it, I was just meh. it was dp who sat me down and said hes noticing it and i need to go to the docs to get it sorted.
i know you said you dont want to take medication and neither did i but honestly it was the best thing i did. maybe give it a try and if you really dont want to then you need to at least go and ask the doc to refer you for some talking therapy
and also he has no right to bash you as a mum or say the crap that he said, not even in the most heated argument
if it was me id tell him to jog on you dont need someone who brings you down

Girl,get on an antidepressant asap.I literally can relate with everything you mentioned, with the exception of the way your son's father spoke to you. That hurts my heart for you. You are obviously a good mom bc you get out of bed every day.That takes actual mental and physical energy.
Please see your dr.Good luck to you.

Sadly I have no sympathy for people whom are offered help/tablets and won't take them. If it's going to make you a better parent then why wouldn't you?!

Sadly I have no sympathy for people whom are offered help/tablets and won't take them
Have you read the list of side effects on anti-depressants? It's scary. I can see why people wouldn't want to take them.
And to be honest, when someone is struggling like this, saying you have no sympathy is a pretty crappy thing to do. Suggest that OP's parenting might be better / easier with help, encourage her to get help, but don't kick someone when they're down. You never know when it could be the final straw that sends them over the edge. Be nice or be silent, there's no need here for anything else.

My partner has a child with his ex who I might add left him and moved 300 miles away. She currently gets more CSA from him than the calculation says he should pay. We also have to pay twice monthly to travel to see his child which involves, hotels hire cars and fuel not to mention the fact we have to pay for days out also as we can't be couped up in a hotel all day long I've accepted this now for six years even to the point that I agreed that we should give up our home and moved back to my parents so he could have more equity to see his child he gets a very good wage also but I refused to pay all the bills in a new home when he wouldn't contribute a penny to it. His ex is very very wealthy and won't waiver on any of the money she takes off him. I am now fed up of having no privacy want my own place again and he's saying all he can help me with is £500 a month even despite the fact after he's paid everything he's left with £1300 expendable income!! Now I've just found out that it's not enough that all his wages goes on competing with his ex with his child he's been hiding credit card debt from me that he's ran up competing with his ex for absolute stupid things she's 9 years old and has iPads mobile phones etc all I want is my own place I really want to just leave him I've ended up with my anxiety and depression getting so bad just need some friendly advice please I'm at my white end I don't think he will ever change.

Sorry didn't add my partner is also awful regarfit my MH I do take medication and have done for over 25 years there are scary side effects but they definitely don't make you feel as bad as having depression you need to talk to him and explain how you feel then give him a chance to understand please get yourself on medication that will help you see things more clearly if not for you do it for you child I know MH doesn't go away on its own. Some people just bring you down and you don't need that kind of person in your life MH is a battle alone you really dont need to fight another battle with an ass hole.

Get to your GP and get medicated.
Why wouldn't you?
It's important that you get yourself better.
You cannot do that without help.
My DDad recently started with Anti-D's. He's so much better already and it only took the meds about a week to start making a difference.
Don't suffer when you could be getting better.
You owe it to yourself and your DS!

So @user99999 , you're not on medication for your depression because you "don't like the idea of it"..... Do you prefer the idea of being depressed and this affecting your relationship with your DS then? Get to the GP and eat medication ASAP. It'll be the best thing you can do, maybe followed by leaving your asshat partner.

Sorry but do not ever get medicated all it will do is make you addicted and unwell as years go on .
And you can all argue as much as you like but stay of any medication as much as you can.

I would urge you to reconsider giving the medication a try. It might take a few weeks to get right and become effective/be certain which is the best medication for you, but it really can be sooo worth it.

My DD3 had serious clinical depression and anorexia. She began fluoxetine just before Christmas. It took a little while to start feeling the benefits, but it is now making a real difference. Her mood is much better and she is almost a different person. Hard to believe that just a few short weeks ago we were in such despair and thought that nothing could possibly work as she could barely even emerge from bed.

Get to your GP. Depression is a nasty illness. You need help.

I really don't like your DP's approach. It was at best misjudged and at worst damaging. My DD would be floored by that type of thing, and she is used to her Dad (my DH) who lives with his foot permanently in his mouth.

@Lolly49 That is a strange thing to say, are you saying there is no benefit at all to them? So OP should just stay as she is?

OP why don't you like the idea of the medication? Have you considered something like CBT or something similar again? Please go to the doctor they can help.

Counselling may not work.
CBT may not work.
Medication may not work.
Supplementing with vitamin D/fish oils/st johns wart/5-htp might not work
Increased exercise may not work

They are the only treatments available for depression as far as I know. So what you do is you try them all. Then if and when you have honestly given them a good try they still do not work, then you have untreatable depression.
But right now there is more you can do. I think he's probably frustrated because it seems like you are not trying that hard. I'm sure that's not true (I know everything's a battle with depression) but from an outsiders point of view if you are not

Sorry posted too soon.
If you are not doing all you can it may seem to him you are just not trying hard enough

Lolly, that is very unhelpful. Surely you aren't suggesting that OP just sticks with the depression instead, as you haven't come up with a workable alternative solution.

Lots of research to show how effective anti - depressants are in reality.
www.nhs.uk/news/medication/big-new-study-confirms-antidepressants-work-better-placebo/