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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Monster in law

39 replies

paigeadkinx · 03/02/2019 20:16

So I've just had a baby not even 6 week ago and have a two year old that isn't my partners daughter but her biological father isn't in the picture and my partner has raised her.
Anyway my partners mum ever since the new baby has been born and even a little before baby was born she has been so interfering and making me feel small. She comments on my parenting and tells me that I'm not doing something right and I should do it another way. She tells me I need to stop breastfeeding so she can have him over night and for the weekend and when I told her no she went out and bought a cot for her house for him to sleep in and said you need to let him stay now so I'm not wasting my money. She asked for a photo of him and when I sent it asked who the outfit was from and when I told her my mum she said it was disgusting and that he needs to be in much cuter clothing. We spent New Year's Day having food and enjoying the day up until she started telling everyone they couldn't hold the new baby because she had only had one "long cuddle". This then made the day super awkward and no one enjoyed it. I'm also planning a christening and was going to get them christened catholic as this is what I am and what all my family are, they are not. So she constantly messages my partner slagging me off cause it's disgusting to have the new baby catholic when he isn't, and says that he should be Church of England because he is a proper name deleted by MNHQ (my partners surname). I have tried to talk to her and tell her how I feel but it's not stopped, she try's to make her son feel bad if he wants to visit his dad side of the family all because she doesn't like them and makes us feel bad for visiting my family cause she wants to see baby and won't give anyone else a chance to see him. Sorry for the rant but I just don't know what else to do, my partner won't talk to her and tell her to just calm down a little bit and I've tried but she hasn't listened! My mum and dad came for Sunday lunch today and she told my partner that she was disgusted that they was round having dinner and they was seeing baby and she wasn't. I just don't know what else to do! I've just had enough and feel like I can't win.

OP posts:

Maelstrop · 03/02/2019 20:20

If your partner won’t stand up for you, then you will have to tell her. Does she wait to be invited or just come round? If the latter, tell her she can no longer do that. Do not cave in and let her have your child overnight. She has no right to this, ignore her constant nonsense and tell her it won’t happen.

bluebeck · 03/02/2019 20:27

You need to move far far far far away.

If that isn't an immediate option then you have to distance yourself in other ways. This woman will not back down. It is possible you have a DP problem - does he have issues standing up to her in general?

Don't arrange to see her, leave any and all contact to DP. Make it clear she absolutely will not be having baby overnight and you intend to breastfeed until baby is sixteen at least a year old. Don't answer phone if she calls, let her leave a message and DP can call her back.

If and when you do have contact, don't tell her ANYTHING about what you are up to. Any information is a weapon in her hands.

If she turns up at the house, just don't answer the door ( Change locks if she has a key)

You are right. You can't win. So don't even try. Retreating to a place of safety is the only sensible option.

Original poster

paigeadkinx · 03/02/2019 20:27

She tries to invite her self round and sometimes I don't even have a phone call or text and she is here. It's just too much with having two small babies but she doesn't listen she thinks she know best, I try to ignore it but sometimes it just gets to me. I've asked him many time but he just says that he know what she's like and he just ignores her. I won't be caving he's two small to be staying over and I just want to enjoy him.

OP posts:

Original poster

paigeadkinx · 03/02/2019 20:31

I tell my partner all the time and I feel bad sometimes like I shouldn't say it cause it's his mum but honestly it's got to the point were it's too much. She messaged him telling him to put his foot down with me about christening and how we the children when we make decisions together. I tend to ignore her calls and texts and she moans to him then. She just doesn't know when to stop.

OP posts:

BasilFaulty · 03/02/2019 20:32

She sounds a nightmare. Your partner needs to be doing much more here.
Normally I would suggest a tinkly little laugh and just move along but I doubt that would do it in this situation.
As an aside, I think you should contact MNHQ to take the surname out of your OP.

Aquamarine1029 · 03/02/2019 20:32

Why is your partner telling you all of the horrible things she says about you? Do you not comprehend how seriously fucked up that is? You're partner is a useless manchild, not even adult enough to stand up for the mother of his child. Now THAT is disgusting.

bluebeck · 03/02/2019 20:33

I never answer the door if I don't know who it is/not expecting a delivery. Just don't answer the door to her. Even if she knows you are in - so what? Let her get angry, who gives a shit.

Your DP sounds like a wet blanket. You need to make it so he is more worried about upsetting you than upsetting her.

LittleLannister · 03/02/2019 20:34

Have you given baby dads surname? If not, give him yours, it can be changed if DP marries you as you have to reregister when boo parents eventually marry, at least that way he won’t be “a proper Briggs” if he doesn’t carry the surname!

Also, in the best way possible OP, toughen up your spine, I’ll lend you mine, my in-laws now know that shit like that won’t fly... I too am catholic (in-laws are not any religion at all —unless you call sadism a religion— ) so I got my DC christened Catholic,

Keep in the back of your mind that they have no say, at all.

Guineapiglet345 · 03/02/2019 20:35

I honestly think when someone is this rude the only way to get through to them is to be just as rude back, I know it doesn’t come naturally but you need to show her you’re in charge.

7yo7yo · 03/02/2019 20:36

You need to take firm steps to stop this behaviour.
If she turns up unannounced don’t answer the door.
If she criticises your parenting tell her that was how parenting worked in her day.
If she criticises your parents say why do you do that? And look at her and wait for an answer.
Call her out in her behaviour each and every time.

PepsiLola · 03/02/2019 20:39

If she comes round uninvited ask her to leave. Keep door locked and when she knocks, just say "this isn't a convenient time for us, you should have told us you were coming, you'll have to come another time" and don't open door fully.

If she walks in say "can you leave please? This isn't a good time for us, feel free to pop round Sunday"

Be firm and polite until she gets the idea. You are the babies mum!

Original poster

paigeadkinx · 03/02/2019 20:41

The first couple of messages about the christening I came across my self by accident, she'd asked him to delete them and he didn't and then she sent baby photos of him over which I was looking at and I seen the end bit of the message that was about me and read them, most of the time she does it on the phone when I'm sat with him, I can hear everything she's saying and he just says he's going, I've told him he needs to man up and tell her otherwise it's going to end up coming between us, we have already had several disagreements about her. I've tried to be stern I never got an apology about the messages or anything and she just makes me feel like I'm the bad guy then.

OP posts:

MaMaMaMySharona · 03/02/2019 20:44

It’s absolutely outrageous for her to be pestering you to stop breastfeeding so she can look after your child - I imagine she wouldn’t have reacted well if her MIL had done that to her.

Agree with other PPs - your DH really needs a talking to. Have you explained how it makes you feel? Undermining you as a mother isn’t something minor, this could leave to huge issues for you and MIL for a long time and it’s not going to make his life easier

Snowmaggedon · 03/02/2019 20:46

I'm getting so tired of hearing of mils telling women they shouldn't be bf I actually think it needs to go out in public health announcements!!

PerfectPeony · 03/02/2019 20:47

She tells me I need to stop breastfeeding so she can have him over night and for the weekend

I didn’t even read the whole thing but oh my god! Run, move far away and go low contact. Get your partner to talk to her and tell her that until she can treat you with respect she will not be seeing the baby.

WhenTheSkyFalls · 03/02/2019 20:47

Get a chain on your door and do not let her in unless invited before hand.
Text her this;

MIL. I will be christening my son in my faith, there is nothing that will change that fact, it is decided. My son will not be staying overnight until at least X age and I will not be stopping breast feeding. None of this is open for discussion.
This is mine and dp's child and we are the ones who will be making the decisions. I have tried to speak with you nicely about this but you have persisted. Now I am making things plain and clear as to how they will be. I hope you can respect our privacy and understand as I really do want the children to have a good relationship with all their grandparents, including you.

MrHaroldFry · 03/02/2019 20:50

In your shoes I would aim to become zen like and deflect all questions (or direct them to your DP).
If your DP is too chicken to speak to his own mother then tell him this will be your advice to her.
She won't tell You how you parent your child/children and it is not up for discussion .
You will point out she had her children and now the baton has been passed to a new generation.
You will make sure she is aware that you and DP have discussed how you will parent (including all school, religious, discipline, dietary and sleep situations) and are 100% on the same page.
You will advise her if she brings up the subject again of having the baby overnight, you will remind her you have said no already and will suggest she sees her doctor if her memory is not what it once was.
It ultimately doesn't matter what your mother-in-law thinks. You have the best interests of your children in mind and her opinion on any matters relating to your well thought out and well reasoned decisions are moot.

TrixieFranklin · 03/02/2019 20:51

Good lord she sounds a complete fruit loop! You need to tell her once and for all.

Aprilshowersarecomingsoon · 03/02/2019 20:52

Firstly block her number so you don't have to deal with her. Bf until your baby is at least 2. Christening of your choice - suggest she doesn't bother turning up if she is so against it.
And enjoy being with your family whenever you want to.
Invite her only when your dp is around.

PerfectPeony · 03/02/2019 20:52

Also your post mentions your partners surname- might be worth changing if monster in law is a potential Mumsnetter.

rainflowerstar · 03/02/2019 20:53

It's definitely a partner problem you have and not a MIL one. If you can't get on the same page regarding her then I'm betting it will most likely be the end of your relationship.

Aquamarine1029 · 03/02/2019 20:54

She already doesn't like you, so why worry about what you say to her. Tell this cow to FUCK OFF. Repeat as necessary.

HomoHeinekenensis · 03/02/2019 20:58

Everything Whenthe says. Cahin on the door. Don't engage over and above that text above. She is not just toxic but abusive. DH won't engage so you have to draw a line in the sand and decide what you will put up with from her. I would be going really low contact or maybe even NC for a while. She is a monster indeed.

Original poster

paigeadkinx · 03/02/2019 21:04

I think maybe I'll tell her again how I feel and make it much more clear and add that I will be having little contact with her until she can be much more calm about things and give me a little more respect. I've become very tired of it and will try talking to partner tonight about it and get him to have a word too, I'll probably have a much more stern word and sure he's even more clear on how she makes me feel.

OP posts:

ADropofReality · 03/02/2019 21:11

Regardless of what your MIL thinks, what does your DP think to you christening the DC Catholic rather than CofE (which I assume he is)?

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