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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Partner making decisions without me

30 replies

Abcd1234987 · 03/02/2019 17:03

Such as when DC can stay home alone or walk to shops. Just does it without telling me despite months of telling DC no. Then all of the sudden partner lets it happen when I’m not there. Child is of reasonable age and mentality. Safety isn’t the issue. It’s leaving me out of the discussion and ultimate decision.

OP posts:

Disfordarkchocolate · 03/02/2019 17:05

Can I ask why if the child is 'of reasonably age and mentality' that you don't let them go out on their own?

Villanellenovella · 03/02/2019 17:05

Not sure it needs 2 people to decide

Original poster

Abcd1234987 · 03/02/2019 17:06

The opportunity hadn’t come up. And instead of a discussion, just did it. I would’ve agreed. But this is happening frequently and worried in the future for more important decisions.

OP posts:

Original poster

Abcd1234987 · 03/02/2019 17:07

Thanks. Suppose I need to check with myself if I’d have done the same. Thank you.

OP posts:

Lazypuppy · 03/02/2019 17:07

Not every decision has to be a joint one

Thehop · 03/02/2019 17:09

Was you saying no a joint decision? Did you ask him before you said no?

MyNewBearTotoro · 03/02/2019 17:10

These seem like fairly minor decisions and not the sort that warrant a long discussion between you. They’re the sort of short-term yes/ no decisions that need to be made in the moment, it would be crazy to expect your partner to get in touch with you and get your opinion each time. Did you have a long discussion with your partner each time you said ‘no’ to these sorts of requests before or were you happy to make them yourself on those occasions?

Original poster

Abcd1234987 · 03/02/2019 17:12

I thought these would be a joint decision and was disappointed I was upset of not being involved in the first decision and now it’s happened again, just hurt. I think I would’ve asked first. It’s not as big an issue now but what about the future decisions that I might feel DC isn’t ready for? If I’m being left out now despite partner knowing it upsets me, what will the teen years be like? I’m not overly strict, btw, in case it seems it.

OP posts:

Nicknacky · 03/02/2019 17:14

Why are you saying no if you think they are mature enough?

And I didn’t consult my husband as I didn’t see it as a big parenting decision, just said “oh, DC went herself”

WonkoTheSane42 · 03/02/2019 17:14

You think your kid’s other parent needs to consult with you before they parent them? Really? And there’ll be another thread along in a minute complaining about a man unable to make decisions on his own and going on about “emotional labour” and “the mental load.”

Wolfiefan · 03/02/2019 17:14

Why have you spent months saying no if they are of reasonable age and mentality?
I wouldn’t be that thrilled if my DH suddenly said yes to things I had said no to repeatedly. But we don’t discuss every tiny decision.

Original poster

Abcd1234987 · 03/02/2019 17:14

Thanks. It was because it was the staying home alone for the first time ever and going to the shops alone for the first time ever. No problems if it was a second or subsequent.

OP posts:

Nicknacky · 03/02/2019 17:16

I think you are over reacting by being disappointed and upset.

Original poster

Abcd1234987 · 03/02/2019 17:16

Child has been asking for months before we both felt she was ready. Then I thought separately from partner she was ready but we didn’t talk about it. Found out later that “daddy let me stay home alone”. Weeks later.

OP posts:

dementedpixie · 03/02/2019 17:17

What age is your child?

gamerchick · 03/02/2019 17:19

It's hard to gauge, how old is the child.

Geminijes · 03/02/2019 17:19

The children were in your husband's care and he made the necessary decisions.

Don't you trust him to make the decisions?

Why should he consult with you over every decision? Do you consult with him when the children are in your care?

Disfordarkchocolate · 03/02/2019 17:20

I think these are the things you need to try to discuss in advance and keep under regular review. Easier said than done sometimes.

DawgLover · 03/02/2019 17:20

Before you said no in the first place did you have a conversation with your husband and agree the answer was no?

If you didn't then you are being unreasonable, if you did I think you need to talk about what factors they felt had changed and also considered how quickly the decision had to be made.

Wolfiefan · 03/02/2019 17:20

So you thought they were ready and so did your partner? Why is it an issue then? Sounds like you’re on the same page.
Will you expect to be consulted when it’s whether they should read a certain book or watch a certain TV programme. What about when they can wash their own hair or make their own toast? There are a thousand tiny milestones. Do you honestly expect to have an explicit discussion and the final say in every one?

spugzbunny · 03/02/2019 17:21

I think whet you need to consider here is how often you make a decision without your OH deciding jointly with you? Probably quite a lot! I know I do!

It sounds like your OH made a good decision. Child was ready and mature enough as you have said yourself. I think you need to trust his judgment

Original poster

Abcd1234987 · 03/02/2019 17:24

Thanks for your input. To clarify: we agreed the answer was no. But he changed it without consulting me. That’s the issue. And the big issues for us were home alone and going to the shops alone. We were both on the same page and said no. I can see some wouldn’t find these big issues but to both of us they were the two big ones. I wouldn’t be upset for almost any other thing like using the oven or toaster etc. It was just that she’d been asking about these two and we said no together but all of the sudden that changed.

OP posts:

Original poster

Abcd1234987 · 03/02/2019 17:26

Perhaps I do need to trust his judgement more. Just wanted to be involved and sad he didn’t include me on the two main issues for us at the moment. Oh well. Suppose I need to get over it. Thank you.

OP posts:

ExFury · 03/02/2019 17:38

Actually I wouldn’t have been impressed that he didn’t tell me. Fair enough he assessed the situation at the time and said yes, but I wouldn’t want to find that out from the child. A simple “btw x asked to stay home as she was doing y and z so I let her” would have sufficed.

Original poster

Abcd1234987 · 03/02/2019 17:51

Yeah, thanks. I said the same - I wasn’t impressed and that we need to make the decision to let her walk alone to the shops in the future. He said she wasn’t ready. I said okay, we’ll talk about it when she is. And then find out from daughter today that she went yesterday alone. I told her I was pleased she did well. But I am very hurt he hadn’t told me he changed his mind let alone let her go. It’s not so much an issue of her doing these things. It’s that we as parents made such a big deal about it and then I was left out, the second time after she was home alone - I had expressed then to him that I need to be involved and was so upset. He said he would involve me about the shops. I suppose I need to let it go though - I didn’t realise this was seen as a nonissue to so many and I guess he doesn’t either. You live and learn. Still hurts but I won’t make a big deal of it.

OP posts:

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