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AIBU?

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Original poster

Father’s repatriation and care home

28 replies

wakemewhenitsover · 03/02/2019 16:40

Myself and my brother do not have a good relationship with my Father who was an abusive alcoholic. Father moved to European country for sunshine and cheap beer 12 years ago. Speak to him maybe once every four years but this is not initiated by him.

We found out at Christmas that my father had been sleeping rough and was admitted to hospital where he has been diagnosed with dementia.

British consulate have stated that he cannot stay in European country and we need to sort out a care home for him back in UK. Brother and I have MH issues (due to years of abuse received from Father) and I do not live in England and would have no idea where to start.

Social services and local council have told us he needs to be seen by a Dr back in England before he can get assessed for care home but no one is telling us what to do, how to get him back etc.

Brother and I are struggling with the fact that we are expected to drop everything in our lives to organise his care needs and possibly even have to move him in to my brothers whilst he is medically assessed.

Would we be unreasonable to tell SS/consulate that we can’t help him and he can either stay in the country he chose to move to or the consulate can organise his repatriation and care needs?

The stress of the phone calls asking my brother what he is going to do and when we are coming to get him etc have already triggered some MH issues for him.

OP posts:
EerieSilence · 03/02/2019 16:46

I would tell them you have been abused by him and wish no contact with him. And walk away. Easier said than done but it's better for your own mental health.

MrsSpenserGregson · 03/02/2019 16:49

YANBU.

This is absolutely not your problem at all, not yours and not your brother's. Pass it back to the consulate. Stop answering their phone calls if you have to. And think about how to protect your mental health going forward, particularly as your father is not likely to live for a long time .... can you access counselling?

Flowers for you, this is shitty but it's not your responsibility

wigglypiggly · 03/02/2019 16:49

Like pp says, tell them you are unable to help so the consulate will need to make arrangements.

ZoeWashburne · 03/02/2019 16:51

Firstly, both you and your DB need to go to your GP if you are having issues with your MH and the situation is changing. They can adjust your treatment plan. Remember the MH issues are like oxygen masks on planes: you have to help yourself before you can help others.

As for your DF, I can't tell you what to do. Do you want to go completely NC with him? It is your choice, and no one would judge you- especially in light of the abusive relationship. If this is the case, just have a script every time someone calls that simply says "I am sorry, but you must be mistaken. I have no relationship with him and therefore cannot help in this situation. Goodbye".

But if you do want to keep the line open, talk to your GP and see if you can get referred to get a social worker to help you.

Original poster
wakemewhenitsover · 03/02/2019 16:54

Thanks Eerie. That’s the advice I give my brother but can’t help feeling guilty that I should do more. I KNOW for a fact that if my brother or I needed an help he would not be there. My brother almost died a few years back but my father wouldn’t even return my calls.

OP posts:
MrsSchadenfreude · 03/02/2019 16:59

Tell the Consulate that you are unable to help and don’t want anything further to do with your father. If he needs to return to UK, they can liaise with social services. Does he have any kind of pension, do you know?

Original poster
wakemewhenitsover · 03/02/2019 17:03

Thank you so much for all your kind words. Feeling a bit overwhelmed. I do want to go NC (have tried to for years) but sort of feel sorry for him and feel some responsibility. Realistically though, my brother and I just can’t cope with this and feel pressured by people who have never even met him. At least two people have said “but he’s your Father?”

OP posts:
Original poster
wakemewhenitsover · 03/02/2019 17:05

MrsSchadenfreude - he has two good pensions (so my mother says) which will certainly help paying for his care.

OP posts:
Satsumaeater · 03/02/2019 17:05

If he has lived in the country for so long why does he need to be repatriated and why is the consulate involved? Surely he has permanent residency now (on the assumption he is British and living in an EEA country?)

BentNeckLady · 03/02/2019 17:08

This isn’t your responsibility. Tell the consulate they need to sort it out themselves and not to bother you again.

It sounds like your father made his bed and now he’s got to lie in it.

Didiusfalco · 03/02/2019 17:09

Yes, I think ‘fuck him’ covers it. Tell them to follow whatever process they would for someone with no relations. They will have done this hundreds of times before, so don’t let it worry you. He reaps what he sows.

Original poster
wakemewhenitsover · 03/02/2019 17:14

poster Satsumaeater - they have never explained why he has to come back to the UK, just said that there’s nowhere for him over there. He is still in hospital so being looked after but I can see this is not a permanent solution. Perhaps they are pre-emptying brexit? Apparently he has told them he wants to come back to be near friends which I find highlly unlikely as he has none!

OP posts:
LaurieFairyCake · 03/02/2019 17:18

Could your mother take charge here? (Even if she also finds him a nightmare)

Stripyhoglets1 · 03/02/2019 17:21

Don't you or your brother take him in. He night be no recourse to public funds due to not being habitually resident here when he gets back. Tell the consulate you are not doing anything you are estranged and they will have to sort him out. Why can't he go into a care home in the EU country?

Original poster
wakemewhenitsover · 03/02/2019 17:26

LaurieFairyCake - Mother will have nothing to do with him - they’ve been divorced over 25 years.

Didius - that’s what I’m thinking. What do they do with people who have no family? Think we may have to be a bit blunt with them. Unfortunately they are only speaking with my brother who seems reluctant/embarrassed (?) to tell them about why we don’t feel able to help (I.e. the abusive relationship). My brother insists that I should not start talking with them so I’m trying to support him as much as I can.

It’s honestly been great to get some feedback on this.

OP posts:
youarenotkiddingme · 03/02/2019 17:27

I'm so sorry you are going through this.

How difficult to be asked to arrange cafe for someone who's abused you.

You are absolutely not BU to say to consulate you cannot help.

You and your brother have done well dealing with your MH issues. You are under no obligation to put it at risk again. Thanks

AnoukSpirit · 03/02/2019 17:29

At least two people have said “but he’s your Father?”

People say a lot of ignorant shit.

The fact that he is your father, they got that bit right, makes it all the more despicable and unforgivable that instead of fulfilling his responsibilities to care for and protect you he made the choice to abuse you both and harm you so deeply.

You one him nothing. The guilt you feel is a legacy of his abuse. When you feel it, remind yourself of that.

If he had died, you would be equally free to decline to deal with or pay for his funeral. He is not your responsibility.

AnoukSpirit · 03/02/2019 17:33

How sure are you that the people calling your brother are who they say they are?

Why doesn't he want you speaking to them?

JeNeBaguetteRien · 03/02/2019 17:37

Sorry you and your brother find yourself in this situation.
You need the broken record technique - "no, sorry, can't help". If they hadn't been able to locate you, or you didn't exist, they would find some other solution. He hasn't treated you as a father ought to have done, you don't owe him anything.

The Stately homes threads here have advice about going no contact if you'd like to explore it.

AnoukSpirit · 03/02/2019 17:38

Just wondering because there is no reason to believe an abusive person wouldn't try to scam or manipulate you into doing this.

Also, not that it's really your problem, but alcoholic liver disease in its late stages can cause encephalopathy ...

OnGoldenPond · 03/02/2019 18:00

Is he in Spain? Just sounded likely due to the sun and cheap beer comment.

If so, then I understand why he has to come back to UK if he needs a care home as residential care isn't provided by the state in Spain. Families are expected to provide long term care at home. This is the same for all Spanish residents and has nothing to do with Brexit. The only residential care on offer is private care homes with sky high fees. It's unlikely your fathers pension would cover these fees unless he was a very high earner.

I had to deal with this situation when my DF resident in Spain became too ill to be cared for at home. I was happy to help as we have a very close relationship so I was happy to help DM get him back to the UK. However, once back in the UK I had to get him admitted to hospital as quickly as possible to get him into the system, using a fall as the reason (not a lie, he was having them almost daily by this point). Immediately adult SS tried to force me to take him to live with me despite his very serious state by trying to guilt trip me. I refused and insisted they arranged a suitable placement for him. Sadly forcing their hand by bedblocking was the only way to get them to fulfill their responsibilities and get him the nursing home bed he needed.

Whatever you do, DO NOT either of you allow your father to move into your home even as a temporary measure. If you do SS will leave you to it and only offer minimal home help.

The position is your father is an adult and you have no legal responsibility to help him. Clearly the SS people ringing you DO have legal responsibility to help him or they would not be getting involved. They are trying to bully and guilt trip you into taking over these responsibilities for them so they can walk away. Don't fall for it. They know they are obliged to help him and will if you stand firm.

For those raising concerns about his rights to receive state help, the law states if he is currently receiving a British state pension he immediately becomes ordinarily resident in the UK as soon as he returns with intention to stay permanently so is entitled to all state help other residents are.

Original poster
wakemewhenitsover · 03/02/2019 18:37

Anouk - He wouldn’t have the presence of mind or be that organised to scam us that way, his dementia seems pretty advanced. (E.g. not washing, remembering to eat etc.) will look up encephalopathy & liver disease.

OnGoldenPond - Greta advice, thanks. He’s in Cyprus and they are definitely leaning towards us going out to collect him and bringing him back to stay at brothers whilst we get him registered under a GP.
Brother has just moved in with partner so no way that can happen anyway.

OP posts:
Drum2018 · 03/02/2019 18:49

Tell your brother that you will have no part to play in your father's repatriation or care. After that it's up to him to tell these people that he is not engaging further with them and that he will have nothing to do with your father's repatriation/care either. If he doesn't well that's up to him, but you will need to stand your ground if your brother does help your father.

Maelstrop · 03/02/2019 19:00

You need to work on your brother and ensure he stands firm. Don’t let him cave. Presumably neither of you want him living with you and you shouldn’t, he was an abusive arsehole to you. Can your brother block the calls?

PanamaPattie · 03/02/2019 19:08

Block all calls. Tell your DB to do the same. You are not responsible for your father or his issues. If you don’t do this, you will be stuck with him until he dies. Don’t do it. It will end in tears. Not your circus or monkeys.