Father’s repatriation and care home

[wakemewhenitsover]

Myself and my brother do not have a good relationship with my Father who was an abusive alcoholic. Father moved to European country for sunshine and cheap beer 12 years ago. Speak to him maybe once every four years but this is not initiated by him.

We found out at Christmas that my father had been sleeping rough and was admitted to hospital where he has been diagnosed with dementia.

British consulate have stated that he cannot stay in European country and we need to sort out a care home for him back in UK. Brother and I have MH issues (due to years of abuse received from Father) and I do not live in England and would have no idea where to start.

Social services and local council have told us he needs to be seen by a Dr back in England before he can get assessed for care home but no one is telling us what to do, how to get him back etc.

Brother and I are struggling with the fact that we are expected to drop everything in our lives to organise his care needs and possibly even have to move him in to my brothers whilst he is medically assessed.

Would we be unreasonable to tell SS/consulate that we can’t help him and he can either stay in the country he chose to move to or the consulate can organise his repatriation and care needs?

The stress of the phone calls asking my brother what he is going to do and when we are coming to get him etc have already triggered some MH issues for him.

As the daughter of an abusive alcoholic I say it's not you or your brothers problem.

I get similar calls from social services about my dad who I haven't seen for 10 years. I tell them it's not my problem every time. I feel no guilt.

Other people with a lovely upbringing and good relationship with their father will not understand.

If your father happens to have any history of military service, the consulate may be able to enlist the help of one of the charities, eg SSAFA or various welfare benevolent societies...

I know my brother feels responsible for him and I worry if I convince him to walk away that his guilt will turn into resentment against me. Nothing good will come from any contact with our father.

Mog - I’m sorry you’ve had to deal with the fall out of having an alcoholic parent. You sound very strong.

I always knew that end of life would be difficult - the mourning process will be for what should have been and questioning whether I did enough. I have to keep reminding myself that he chose to move away and have no contact.