AIBU to tell her I am still hurt? Should I swallow it and move on?

[ComeMonday]

Sorry so long...

My husband has a cousin, “Liz,” who is about 10 years younger than we are. I’ve known Liz for over 15 years and I adore her. She is bright, charismatic, warm and funny. On the flip side her life is a chaotic and she’s a total flake, forever losing her phone/wallet/keys, missing bills, running late, making and breaking plans. That’s just how she is.

DH has always been very fond of of Liz in an older-cousinly way but she and I really “clicked,” and in time we became close friends. She lived with us for a while in 2009 and many nights we stayed up way too late talking about absolutely everything. Among many other things Liz and I both had complicated relationships with our respective mothers, and we discussed that a lot.

For a while after Liz moved out we saw her occasionally at family events in my DH’s hometown, and each time we got together it was like no time had passed. But eventually DH and I started a family and Liz’s career took off, she was moving around a lot all over the world and we saw each other less and less. I am shit at keeping in touch but Liz is the worst ever. She doted on him and came around a bit more for a while after he was born but it didn’t last. It got to where I wouldn’t hear from her for a year, then she’d call me and we’d talk for six hours three days in a row. Liz is like this with everyone, it’s just her. I wasn’t bothered. There was always a huge amount of love, affection, and trust between us.

Four years ago my DH and I moved abroad with our DCs. Liz came over to say goodbye a few days before we left and we promised to keep in touch but of course we didn’t. And it was fine — we both have our own lives and time flies.

A year after we moved my mother died, suddenly. She was only 68 and she was fit and healthy so it was a devastating shock. Three years on I still live with grief and regret every day. Several members of DH’s extended family members came to my mum’s funeral and many more sent cards or flowers. The support meant so much to me. But I never heard from Liz. Not a call, not a text, not a two-sentence Facebook condolence. Nothing.

I’ve had no contact with Liz since then, other than a brief group text she sent last year. Then today I got an email from her saying that she will be in our city next month and she wants to see us. Her tone was breezy and normal, she can’t wait to see the kids and all of that. I know it would be great to see her and we’d have so much fun. But to me there is a huge elephant in the room, and she doesn’t even see it. I don’t want to play that game where I act distant until she eventually she asks why. But I can’t ignore it either. I think I’m hoping there will be a good reason she never called — she’s been in Antarctica for three years, or in prison, or maybe a coma assuming a comatose person can tweet and instagram. But that’s unlikely :). So what’s the point?

AIBU to send Liz a private email saying I need to get this out as I was very hurt but of course I can’t wait to see her and move on? If IANBU what should I say? And if IABU how do I swallow it and move on?

If you got through this thanks for reading.

Stupid question but are you sure she knows?!

Some people just don't know what to say when someone dies.

I think i would talk to her about it face to face.

No you’re not being unreasonable to say it at all if getting it off your chest could clear the air.

However if she also had a difficult relationship with her mother and knew you were similar could she have reacted the way she would have thought you wanted? This is clearer in my head, I mean, If her mum died would she expect you to sympathize with her or would she expect not to be affected by her mother’s passing even though it’s always different when it actually happens

Did she actually know about it at the time though? It's entirely possible she didn't. If she only found out a reasonable time after the fact then, given her life and your haphazard contact patterns, I'm not surprised she's not mentioned it.
It sucks but it doesn't sound deliberate so I'd let it go. If you make a fuss you risk the entire friendship.

Agree- did she know? If she did, I think I would just say I was surprised not to hear from her after your mother’s death but it would be lovely to see her.

I would wait until you see her and then tell her but be prepared for her to more or less laugh it off or not really take you seriously.

She definitely knew. On the off chance she didn’t find out right away it would have certainly reached her within a week or so. Her mother sent me a card and they talk every day. We missed a family wedding we had planned to attend because we had just flown back and forth for my mum and we couldn’t do it again a month later. I occasionally post a photo of my kids on FB and she always comments. But when I posted about my mom I didn’t even get a like :). I’ve thought about it a lot and she had to know. My DH agrees.

Would she say it when she sees you?
Would she apologise for not getting in touch? What can you say, ok then?

My own feelings is that different friends have different roles in your life, she is great fun but useless at serious stuff. So you could in theory forgive her for that because she is just not able for anything serious.

Also, my friend lost her dad a few years ago, and while I felt bad and was so nice to her and gave her every sympathy, I did not understand that pain myself until recently when my own father got very ill.
My friend said she looks at people with both parents, and sees them as totally innocent. I understand that now. Can you forgive her for being innocent?

So in summary: After what you have been through, its ok to see her differently and move on without her if you cant forgive her.

Fabaunt I see what you’re saying but it wasn’t that way. I was very close with my mum, perhaps too entangled in some ways. I loved her very much but I was struggling to set boundaries. Liz is also close with her mum but it’s complicated. But if her mum died I know she would be heartbroken.

I've experienced somewhat similar, OP. My mother died very suddenly two years ago in circumstances that were quite traumatic for me. Some of the people - including life long friends/family friends - I would have expected to be supportive couldn't even muster a phone call.

One such couple are keen to meet up a couple of years on. I'm going to see them, and be bright and breezy, but I have mentally checked out.

You certainly wouldn't be unreasonable to raise the issue with Liz, but I'm inclined to think that with someone who can't even manage a text message to express sympathy at a sudden bereavement will not be able to grasp the hurt you feel. She may even feel freaked out by it. Are you expecting her to suddenly see the error of her ways and apologise?

I personally wouldn't raise it with her. I'd see her and be as friendly as you ever were. And then not lift a fucking finger in the event that she ever experiences any difficulties/bereavement herself.*

*(this is assuming she does know - are you sure she did?).

Is there any chance she didn’t know it happened and feels she has left it too late to say anything?

MatildaTheCat — laugh it off? Do you think someone would do that?? I guess at least then I could walk away knowing for sure I didn’t want her in my life.

Some people are just very uncomfortable around death. When my mum died so.e of my friends said NOTHING.

There is nothing wrong with telling her how it made you feel tbough. I would do it on the phone or face to face though.

I’m sorry for your loss @Butchyrestingface . It’s really shit isn’t it? I know she probably just left it too long or whatever, but even later I would have hoped she would acknowledge it in some way.

She’s not actually an uncaring person who can’t wven bother to text. To the contrary, she’s a really lovely, caring person who can’t even bother to text. I don’t think I want any particular response from her, but I do feel like I want her to know. My mum’s death is still so fresh for me. I can’t imagine it not coming up with someone I hadn’t seen since before it happened. I actually think it would come up with any of my close friends if we sat down and had a long catchup. I have a full life and I think I’m processing my grief in a reasonably healthy way but it’s still on my mind a lot.

I think she knew. But if it turns out she really didn’t I would be so relieved. Perhaps that possibility alone is reason enough to raise it with her.

@3Luckystars a lot of what you said resonates with me. I do agree that I didn’t understand untol it happened. But Liz and I did have many serious and deep conversations about many things, including my mum. We were always close and open with each other. She couldn’t even text?

Just meet with her and see how it goes. You make her sound such a careless free spirit and yet she's organised enough to speak to her mum every day.
Was her mum's condolence card to you perhaps intended to be from the whole family including your cousin? Don't say anything to break off the close though spasmodic relationship you've had for so long, you may regret losing it.

I’d move on, in your shoes. You like her, you get on when you speak, it doesn’t sound like she had any intention at all to hurt you. She’s young and chaotic by your account.

She may actually just not understand what a big deal this is to you. I was not close to either of my parents and, tbh, I can only understand other people's grief at a parent dying in a very theoretical way. It's a learnt knowledge. I remember being really taken aback when I bumped into an old acquaintance who told me she had been out of circulation for a year after her dad died. It really, genuinely hadn't occurred to me that anyone would be that upset by the death of a parent. Your friend may just not get it, and if you and here were not in touch anyway, she may not have seen the need to get in touch. You knew you needed support and were devastated. She may not have known it.

Dear ComeMonday, that's a sad story and I can see why you are hurt. Is it possible that Liz could have been waiting for you to get in touch with her rather than the other way round? I know that sounds a bit bonkers ... It's a shame that you weren't able to tackle her about her lack of contact sooner. (That sounds critical but it isn't meant to be: I'm the worst at facing up to family conflict and moped for months before daring to try and clear up a poisonous sibling misunderstanding that was making me thoroughly miserable.) In any event it sounds as if you love her and if that is so and you want to regain your former closeness I suspect you will have to talk to her face to face, as someone else suggested. Otherwise you'll wear yourself out speculating about all sorts of scenarios. I do wish you luck!

My mum’s death is still so fresh for me. I can’t imagine it not coming up with someone I hadn’t seen since before it happened

You say your mum died three years ago. it would in no way occur to me to bring up the three year old death of a parent of someone I had not seen for three years. It really wouldn't.

I've got a mate thats sounds very much like her except he just does not do empathy in any shape or form, it isnt anywhere in his mind set or make up its just the way he is and its take it or leave it.

I choose to take it as in every other apsect he's a great mate to have:)

I suspect that she didn't know how to act. You've not been close, or in regular contact for a while, even though you still care for each other. Some people are rubbish like that.

Talk to her when you see her, that seems to be the format/space of the relationship you have.

I think you should see her and mention it and just see what she says? Some people (for all sorts of reasons) are almost unable to talk about death or deal with someone who has been bereaved, and I can see how if you were on the other side of the world you may not know what to say, and then as the time passes it feels too late to say anything? My dad died suddenly (age 60) 13 years ago, and so I can see absolutely where you're coming from and I'd be very hurt. But wait and see what she says if you bring it up. xx