AIBU to tell her I am still hurt? Should I swallow it and move on?

[ComeMonday]

Sorry so long...

My husband has a cousin, “Liz,” who is about 10 years younger than we are. I’ve known Liz for over 15 years and I adore her. She is bright, charismatic, warm and funny. On the flip side her life is a chaotic and she’s a total flake, forever losing her phone/wallet/keys, missing bills, running late, making and breaking plans. That’s just how she is.

DH has always been very fond of of Liz in an older-cousinly way but she and I really “clicked,” and in time we became close friends. She lived with us for a while in 2009 and many nights we stayed up way too late talking about absolutely everything. Among many other things Liz and I both had complicated relationships with our respective mothers, and we discussed that a lot.

For a while after Liz moved out we saw her occasionally at family events in my DH’s hometown, and each time we got together it was like no time had passed. But eventually DH and I started a family and Liz’s career took off, she was moving around a lot all over the world and we saw each other less and less. I am shit at keeping in touch but Liz is the worst ever. She doted on him and came around a bit more for a while after he was born but it didn’t last. It got to where I wouldn’t hear from her for a year, then she’d call me and we’d talk for six hours three days in a row. Liz is like this with everyone, it’s just her. I wasn’t bothered. There was always a huge amount of love, affection, and trust between us.

Four years ago my DH and I moved abroad with our DCs. Liz came over to say goodbye a few days before we left and we promised to keep in touch but of course we didn’t. And it was fine — we both have our own lives and time flies.

A year after we moved my mother died, suddenly. She was only 68 and she was fit and healthy so it was a devastating shock. Three years on I still live with grief and regret every day. Several members of DH’s extended family members came to my mum’s funeral and many more sent cards or flowers. The support meant so much to me. But I never heard from Liz. Not a call, not a text, not a two-sentence Facebook condolence. Nothing.

I’ve had no contact with Liz since then, other than a brief group text she sent last year. Then today I got an email from her saying that she will be in our city next month and she wants to see us. Her tone was breezy and normal, she can’t wait to see the kids and all of that. I know it would be great to see her and we’d have so much fun. But to me there is a huge elephant in the room, and she doesn’t even see it. I don’t want to play that game where I act distant until she eventually she asks why. But I can’t ignore it either. I think I’m hoping there will be a good reason she never called — she’s been in Antarctica for three years, or in prison, or maybe a coma assuming a comatose person can tweet and instagram. But that’s unlikely :). So what’s the point?

AIBU to send Liz a private email saying I need to get this out as I was very hurt but of course I can’t wait to see her and move on? If IANBU what should I say? And if IABU how do I swallow it and move on?

If you got through this thanks for reading.

I think some people (like me) who haven’t experienced losing a parent or anyone close just don’t have any experience of what to say or how to say it.

Like, anything I could think of saying to someone in your situation seems so trite and pathetic that I get tangled up thinking it will be hurtful to say that or rude and so you deliberate over it until it seems too late. Then you agonise over whether it’s ruder to say something now it’s late than to say nothing at all.

I know it sounds ridiculous but I’ve certainly been in this kind of scenario and I just couldn’t figure out what to say without being in person where it would feel so much more meaningful?

It’s been three years. To her, it probably barely registered. It’s of course very important for you but I reckon, given what you say about her, that it has mostly passed her by. You’ve not spoken to her since. She clearly thinks it’s ok to come and see you. If you want her as a friend, don’t hang onto this. If she never met your mum, she probably wasn’t affected and by now has probably forgotten about it.

I think that seeing as you used to have such a close relationship, you should say something. If you don’t then you won’t be able to move past it and have a meaningful relationship. If you decide to say something, stay as calm as you can and just let her know how you feel. Her reaction will dictate what you should do next and if there’s anything worth salvaging.

Tricky. I can totally understand how you feel. Some people are awful around death and just don' know what to say. They might feel people want their space. They might not want to comment on facebook as it looks insincere but then don't know what actual gesture to make.

Having lost my DH in his 20's I learned that people deal with grief very differently-especiallly younger ppl with less experience of such things. Some ppl that I never suspected stepped in and were amazing and some ppl literally crossed the road to avoid passing me and having to speak to me.

I had a very very close friend (of both DH and me) and she never said a word. No acknowledgement, nothing.

I was very hurt and only raised it years later. She is sweet and flaky and said she found it so hard to know what to say that she didn't say anything. I wonder if it's like this with Liz? and now too much time has passed and she won't be able to un do the silence.

If you want her to be in your life I think you'll have to find a way to move on...

From the OP's first post

Three years on I still live with grief and regret every day.

I'm sorry to hear this OP, but Liz doesn't know or feel this. You expect her to know because of the discussions you'd had 10 years ago but I think that's a little unreasonable tbh. It doesn't come across as you wanting to move on tbh - what would make you feel better about Liz, because I'm not sure there is anything she can say that would make you say 'oh, that's OK then'.

If you do want to contact her begin with the end in mind - what are you going to say to her and what kind of response are you looking for? If it's going to make you feel worse then don't do it. Liz has always been like this, to expect anything different is not going to end well!

I too (lost my mother new years day last year) didn't have the understanding of how devasting it can be - I knew I would be upset but I thought "well everyone loses their parents so it's bearable". Which of course it is but it is unimaginably painful in a way that is hard to explain to people who haven't been through it.

But even in the olden days before my mother died I had the bloody sense to say to people "I'm so sorry I heard you mother died". Because I'm a normal human being and not totally self-obsessed!

Tip to anyone upthread who said "oh but some people don't know what to say"...

I'm so sorry I heard your mother died is quite sufficient.

What do you think bereaved people want you to say? "Oh with my magic wand I will ressurect them".

In trying to protect themselves from feeling silly they're making a painful process much harder.

Sorry OP but I think adults who can even manage an awkward "I'm sorry" are way too self obsessed.

I would absolutely tell her how you feel.

I reckon she'd be very happy to talk to you in depth about your mother's death and your feelings about that, and completely bewildered to hear that you are so deeply upset because she didn't contact you about your mother's death. Has she ever been in touch abut other significant events in your life that don't involve her? She doesn't sound like the kind of person who responds to other people's life events unless she's right there, and you've been OK with that until now. You have a very close relationship when you are together but you drop each other when you are apart and then pick up the threads when you meet again.

Acting distant until she asks why would be pretty passive aggressive. You can tell her how you feel, but you might also have to explain why it was so important to you to hear from her after your mother's death, and why you didn't contact her if you wanted to talk. I think Liz simply has no idea about the effect your mother's death has had on you, or about your expectations of her behaviour which she has failed to meet.

And I don't think you can exactly "swallow it and move on". You feel she has let you down and that changes things. You need to have a think (and perhaps a conversation with her) about what this means, what kind of relationship you have with each other and what you expect from each other from now on. And I agree with Luzina, it needs a face to face conversation. Your feelings about her lack of contact may come as a bolt out of nowhere to her.

Please tell her how you feel. Unless she's really emotionally blank, she probably went through angst not knowing what to say and then guilt at saying nothing. Give her a second chance to show you how she feels about letting you down. Otherwise the Elephant will just grow bigger.

Did you invite her to the funeral?

I’m sorry to hear about your mother and what you are still going through now.

*AIBU to send Liz a private email saying I need to get this out as I was very hurt but of course I can’t wait to see her and move on?

YANBU and I think this is probably the best thing to do as it gets it out the way but gives you the chance to say exactly what you need to.

If IANBU what should I say?

Hi Liz, lovely to hear from you. Meeting up would be great but I just want to say I’ve been really hurt and disappointed that I haven’t heard from you sooner about my mum dying. I know we often go a long time without seeing each other and talking but it was such an awful time, and continues to be really difficult for me, that it would have meant a lot to have heard from you sooner and for you to have acknowledged what I’ve been through.

You say your mum died three years ago. it would in no way occur to me to bring up the three year old death of a parent of someone I had not seen for three years. It really wouldn't.
This too ^^. You don't know what was going on in her life at the time & it's not the sort of thing that most people would bring up later on because you've then got the awkwardness of whether they'd just started moving on, explaining why you weren't in touch sooner etc. Yes you expected her to get in touch but she didn't. Maybe she was hurt that you didn't make the effort to keep in touch with her since you were the ones that moved abroad? Who knows. But if you bring it up now there's no guarantee that it will end well. Remember that before you rake it all up.

I'm in the camp that thinks you are fixating on this too hard. Maybe she didn't hear immediately and then didn't want to bring it up; maybe she just didn't know what to say; maybe she was going through other stuff you know nothing about.

Yes, it's a bit thoughtless, but your feelings about the loss of your mother is colouring this situation into something more than it is.

I'm sorry for your loss.

Don't send the message, you have left it too long..
Don't poison your relationship, Liz is not to blame for you not telling her.
You didn't contact her either, but yes you can tell her about how you feel about you mum passing, but do it over a glass of wine not a cold email.
Friends who you can just enjoy are rare, you have your husband and family for the other stuff.

OP I’ve been you and I’ve been Liz.

When a friend’s parent passed away when I was in my late 20s, I didn’t really know what to say and it really didn’t occur to me that the bereaved person would miss my condolences. So I took the easy way out and just did nothing. It wasn’t malicious - I was just young, tied up in my own life and thoughtless.

A few years later, my own parent passed away and a [different] friend who I expected to hear from, never got in touch. That set off a standoff where we didn’t speak for a few years. We never discussed it and we are now on speaking terms, but things won’t be the same. I appreciate that this makes me a hypocrite.

I guess what I’m saying is that I am glad my friend who lost a parent all those years ago forgave me. Don’t forget, too, that Liz is 10 years younger than you. That is significant.

It's too late to bring this up with her. I think if you'd said something sooner, it would have been understandable, but three years on? You need to let it go.

I would wait until you see her in person. She might mention it. If she doesn’t then I would ask her about it then. I wouldn’t bother sending and email.

You have a very close relationship when you are together but you drop each other when you are apart and then pick up the threads when you meet again.

I think this is right. It’s not an amazingly close friendship. It’s an intimate but occasional one.

I don’t think it’s fair to judge it by standards that haven’t existed previously.

I’m sorry about your mum, though.

I had a similar situation with my 'friend" after my mum died. Everyone came knocking checking Up on me, it was such a shock it just destroyed me and still does, we are coming up for the 1st anniversary.

My friend had always gone silent once she had a new man in her life, then when it all goes wrong she gets back in touch. I honestly just thought it would be different due to the fact I had lost my mum. But it wasn't, she didn't call round to see me she turned up at the funeral for an hour and I haven't seen her since.

I am just writing it off, if she gets back in touch when/if her current relationship goes wrong, I would definitely need to speak to her about it, but in my case I think I'm just done, I can't imagine what she could say that would allow me to forgive her. But that's me and my friend and I don't know until she gets in touch

OP I think I would speak to your friend, people simply can not understand that sort of loss until it happens to them, they think they can but they can't. I don't get all the being moody/silent/cold in the hope she "gets it", she won't. I would just speak to her face to face about how hurt you are , she may just have not known what to say and the longer she left it the more awkward it was to get in touch. I would definitely give her the chance to talk it through with you.

I am so sorry for your loss, it is truly devastating 💐💐💐💐

I don't contact people for years at a time, unless I have a specific reason to. It wouldn't occur to me to contact them because a relative of theirs died.

I have lost a parent and a (three-month-old) child. It didn't do any good for anyone to say anything to me about either. If I had a choice I would have preferred people not to contact me nor say anything. It's literally unfathomable to me what benefit you (or anyone else) gets from being contacted in such circumstances. (I did communicate with some people, who were nice in response. But I didn't need anyone spontaneously contacting me, not even the people I chose to communicate with.)

I think you are wrong to even assume she understood how you felt at the time, you were wrong to assume she knows how you felt for years afterwards, and you were also wrong to assume she would know you would like to hear from her.