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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Husband doesn't believe in mental illness

29 replies

Grubsmummy · 03/02/2019 15:16

So, I'm depressed. I have been for a very long time. Never had treatment. I just mask it and get through each day. Noone would guess I was depressed if asked.
I tell my husband how I truly feel and he isn't supportive at all. Thinks it's a load of rubbish and I should just pull myself together. How do i make him understand?
He thinks because we have a nice life and i don't go to work I have nothing to be depressed about. I have pointed out to him how many celebs, comedians, Hollywood stars suffer with depression, anxiety etc and their life's appear perfect

OP posts:

RonaldMcDonald · 03/02/2019 15:20

Go to a Dr, have a referral made to a psychiatrist and get an actual diagnosis
Then he might very well believe that you are suffering from something not just low mood
You might also then understand what is actually wrong with you get some support and get better

Either way he sounds unsympathetic - it might be due to your self diagnosis - it might be due to his being an arse
Get well and decide

userschmoozer · 03/02/2019 15:20

Why don't you go see your GP and get treatment?

Aquamarine1029 · 03/02/2019 15:20

First of all, you must start taking responsibility for getting yourself the treatment you need for your depression, regardless of what your husband "believes" in. You have one life and suffering with depression when you don't have to is just foolish. Secondly, you need to decide if being in a marriage with someone who dismisses your needs and refuses to support you is worth it. I don't think it is.

Original poster

Grubsmummy · 03/02/2019 15:25

I tried counselling once and because im fat that all she focused on. If I wasn't fat it would all be solved. The reason I am fat is because I comfort eat.
Every time I go to the doctors no matter what its about, again they make it all about my weight. I mentioned how I was feeling on my last visit and I was given a leaflet with a number to ring to chat to someone, that's it.
So it completely puts me off going to the docs

OP posts:

mrsmuddlepies · 03/02/2019 15:26

There are lots of things that help with depression apart medication. Doctors now advise on ways to combat depression through exercise and activity for example.
You say you do not work outside the home. Working helps many people escape from depression. Being part of a community and feeling valued helps ward off introspection and feeling useless.
Lots of ideas on line and information from an informed GP.

ashtrayheart · 03/02/2019 15:28

A Dr won’t make a referral to a psychiatrist for depression, generally. They can prescribe anti d’s and in our area it’s a self referral to ‘healthy minds’ from which you can access CBT etc. I’m sorry your husband is being unsupportive

Totorosfluffytummy · 03/02/2019 15:29

This isn't the best place to post this. Already 3 unhelpful responses.
You don't have to "prove" it to your husband.
A GP doesn't just refer people to a psychiatrist! And you don't need to answer the PP who asked why you haven't been to a GP.
Depression is very common.
People on here are very unkind and misinformed.

If you want him to understand you can try talking to him again. Do you think he believes all depression is nonsense or your depression in particular?
Personally I would not want to be with someone who dismisses depression like that. You could be wasting your energy trying to convince him and if he doesn't change it will make you feel worse.
Do you have someone else in your life you could talk to instead of him?

FissionChips · 03/02/2019 15:32

Why does he think people commit suicide?

Original poster

Grubsmummy · 03/02/2019 15:35

My depression is due to alot of things but to give a small insight...
1.Lonely isolated sahm
2.Husband of 17 years works all the time and shows me no love or affection. Makes me feel worthless

Have a narcissistic father whose always made me feel I can't make my own decisions
No friends as I have isolated myself as don't want to be hurt
Don't really leave the house as not got my own cash so can't afford to do anything
Have a large house. Husband expects me to spend every day all day cleaning. I hate cleaning, it drags me down, every day waking up to a day of cleaning is no fun
no social life, again this is because I have isolated myself. I could easily ask mums at school if I could tag along, im sure theyd say yes.
I now feel very socially akward. Don't know how to make smalltalk. In the past if I did go out with work colleagues I'd always feel on the outside
I absolutely adore my children but I live through them, I don't have my own identity or life

OP posts:

Jeezoh · 03/02/2019 15:36

Does he also believe that the world is flat, as he seems to have some ridiculous notions!

If you’ve not done so already, look at www.getselfhelp.co.uk as it’s got lots of useful resources about mental illness that you (and he) might find helpful.

Original poster

Grubsmummy · 03/02/2019 15:40

As a pp has said, I dont think maybe he doesn't believe in mental illness full stop or doesn't understand it, rather he thinks that I don't have anything to be depressed about

OP posts:

EngagedAgain · 03/02/2019 15:42

Sounds like you've reached a turning point, which is a start. You're fed with it and want to change things. No wonder you're depressed, with that list! Tackle one thing at a time, small steps to make changes. I wonder how your husband will react. He sounds quite controlling, and not very helpful at all. Can you get out and about though, do you drive or have good access to public transport?

mrsmuddlepies · 03/02/2019 15:45

As I said, don't underestimate the power of a job, no matter how part time. It will combat feelings of isolation and give you real independence.

icannotremember · 03/02/2019 15:47

More fool him.

I work in a mh unit. He'd start believing if he spent 10 minutes on one of our wards.

But he is not important here. You are. You can refer yourself directly to a psychological therapies service without involving your GP; if that is going to be too daunting for you, your GP should support you in making the referral. I know your previous experience was rubbish due to the counsellor wanting to focus on your weight, but not all counsellors are that poor.

When you say every time you go to the GP, they make it all about your weight- are you seeing the same GP each time? If so, you could ask to see another. Or change practice, if all GPs at that practice are unhelpful. One thing (that may sound silly, but is something I've found useful myself recently) would be to ask in a local facebook group whether anyone can recommend a GP at your practice who is especially supportive when it comes to MH issues. I rate all the GPs at my practice highly, but if it's a MH issue, there are two who have a particular interest in that and are really good to see.

And there are other options, such as the suggestions MIND makes for support and information for people suffering with depression, for example.

I'm sorry you're going through this.

Original poster

Grubsmummy · 03/02/2019 15:50

I have just referred myself to Healthy Minds. I just hope I can make myself attend the appointment as I cancel lots of things

OP posts:

tiggerkid · 03/02/2019 15:52

How do i make him understand?

Next time he is unwell in any way or form, tell him he is just imagining it all and should pull himself together.

WetWipesGoInTheBin · 03/02/2019 15:52

OP if you aren't ready for work then find something to volunteer for.

Do your children do hobbies e.g. sport where they need parents to organise things? Then volunteer to help out regularly. Concentrate on just doing that for now until you feel you can do more.

Totorosfluffytummy · 03/02/2019 15:54

That's great. You can do it!
Remind yourself that you deserve a better life and this is a step towards that & you are also doing this for your kids (as I'm sure everything you do is for your kids!) x

Original poster

Grubsmummy · 03/02/2019 15:55

People suggesting for me to work or volunteer, the reason I don't already is through self isolation. I cannot bear the thought of working. When I did work full time (was made redundant whilst pregnant) I had months off sick due to anxiety.

At the moment I can just not do those things. I hide away at home in my little bubble whilst the kids are at school, which actually makes everything worse because I'm dwelling on thing's and lonely. It's a vicious circle

OP posts:

TooMinty · 03/02/2019 16:01

If you are doing all the childcare and housework then you should have access to money to treat yourself to days out/hobbies etc. You deserve it and have earned it, you are enabling your husband to have his career.

If you can work up to getting a job, I still would even if not financially necessary - I work part-time and it is essential for my mental health and confidence.

TooMinty · 03/02/2019 16:02

Sorry, cross-posted re work.

But once you are getting treatment you might find you feel up to it.

Maybe a different field from the one that gave you anxiety?

Cheeeeislifenow · 03/02/2019 16:10

Op I have totally been where you are. I really really have. First off fuck him, he sounds cold, un emotional and supportive just Luke my own "d"h.
It is time to focus on something small to start with, for me it was going for a walk every day with my earphones in. For twenty minutes it took me out of my head. I can't get a job, but I started doing small volunteer jobs that are once offfs, like bag packing. It sounds silly but it gives you a sense of pride.
Inow volunteering once per week in a charity shop, I am learning new skills that will help me to get a reference and a job.
Recently I started a course that will lead me down a career path, something I hadn't ever done due to many reasons.
I now no longer care what he thinks. I am doing all I can in my power to me. I am also as a result of a better mood losing weight. Everytime I think of how unsympathetic and unsupportive he is I think to myself that's fine I am supporting myself.
Just tiny steps o but you can do it!

thatmustbenigelwiththebrie · 03/02/2019 16:15

My OH is the same. But I actually find his approach helpful. If I tell him I'm feeling down, he says "what have you got to be sad about?" And it makes me realise he's right and I try and snap out of it.

Sometimes I think too much mollycoddling and sympathy can lead to dependency and wallowing.

TooMinty · 03/02/2019 16:23

But thatmust there's a difference between feeling a bit sad and being depressed. I'm sure if the OP could just snap out of it she would. And she listed quite a few valid reasons for why she is feeling this way (not that I think you need a valid reason to be depressed). And several of them are caused by her husband in my opinion.

MattBerrysHair · 03/02/2019 16:30

Op I've had mental ill health for years and I am now able to control it. You need to go to the gp and give them the list you just wrote, and ask for a referral for a MH assessment. Don't write off any medication or counselling without giving it a chance to work. If it doesn't work ask for something else, then something else, then something else. I have had 3 types of psychological treatment before finding the one that was right for me, DBT. Ive also tried a few different medications. I'm now on a low dose of fluoxetine, which I have no intention of ever coming off.

Ignore your dh, you don't need his permission or understanding in this. You feel the way you feel and that's that. If you want your experience of life to change then you have to go looking for the appropriate help yourself. Don't look to others to arrange it for you because nobody else knows what you need or how you need it.

The best of luck, Op. You're at a potential tuning point in your life now that you're able to acknowledge and articulate the issue. I hope you're able to make a life worth living for yourself

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