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Original poster

To be cross with husband

44 replies

midnightgirl · 02/02/2019 23:44

Ok so my husband of 5 months had a severe heart attack 1 week before our wedding. It's all been very stressful and apparently he has quite severe damage to his heart. He has been told not to drink anymore than 2 litres a day wether that be tea, coffee water or alcohol! As it will put strain on his heart pump. He is completely ignoring this and often goes out on the raz with his mates. The problem is anything his mates do it's alcohol related. Tonight he's gone to a 50th he promised he would come home after a few drinks. Yet he's paralytic now and refuses to come home.

Aibu to expect him to stop this or should I just let him do what the hell he wants. I'm only worrying about him and nor do I want to be a widow yet Sad but what do I do?!

OP posts:
GrandmaJane · 02/02/2019 23:51

You check his life assurance etc. He’s an adult, you can’t prevent his self-destruct. Do tell him your concerns. Avoid pregnancy. Keep finances separate and plan for life without him long-term. Make sure he has a will.

Alpacanorange · 02/02/2019 23:52

I’m sorry you are in this situation, it’s natural for you to want your husband to look after himself. The consequences are so serious, and potentially very sad and final. I assume he knows this, he is choosing to ignore advice, which is very selfish but unfortunately what are your options? No one can force him to follow medical advice and he is a fool. You need to make peace with the fact that he is choosing to ignore advice that could keep him healthy for longer, nagging won’t help. He knows the facts.

Weenurse · 02/02/2019 23:53

@GrandmaJane has put it very well.
Unfortunately you can’t stop him

JiltedJohnsJulie · 02/02/2019 23:56

Is it your house? Who has the better pension?

ISmellBabies · 02/02/2019 23:57

I'm so sorry but my first thought was exactly what GrandmaJane said. There isn't much else you can do.

amarantha · 02/02/2019 23:57

I’m so sorry, this must be awful. Tell him that he’s being an idiot and that you love him and don’t want anything to happen, however you respect his decision to do as he pleases.
Nagging won’t help and will hurt your relationship. Aside from that the advice above is brutal but good.

snowman72 · 03/02/2019 00:10

Actually I don't nag, I have just told him I need him to be around a bit longer and to it easy when he's out. He says don't worry I will and then can't control himself while he's out. There is nothing I can do no but I'm sitting here worried sick I can't help it

IfOnlyOurEyesSawSouls · 03/02/2019 00:47

I dont think anyone is saying that you nag.

Just that with health behaviour the person has to want and invest in their wellbeing.

Nothing anyone says will make a difference until he wants to do it himself.

You truly need to accept this as painful as it is.

VWpurse · 03/02/2019 00:49

If he is so dependent on alcohol that he would die for it, you really should get everything in order and plan for a life on your own one way or another.

Motoko · 03/02/2019 02:40

Namechange fail OP.

I'm afraid I agree with the others. How often does he do this?

justilou1 · 03/02/2019 04:15

Why don't you print out new life insurance papers and a will kit and put them on the table for him to sign - in your favour of course, and just say "I give up, Babe. You obviously don't want to live, and I don't want to spend the rest of your life nagging you." See if that scares the shit out of him.

labazsisgoingmad · 03/02/2019 04:37

hes probably in a state of denial he knows that he has to follow medical advice or he will be risking his health and life but its like no it dont matter it dont apply to me im invincible he needs to wake up and smell the coffee before its too late

timeisnotaline · 03/02/2019 04:58

I agree with grandma jane. I would start saying things like ‘I thought I might go back to university and do x- once you are gone that is’ it will help you make plans as well.

toomuchtooold · 03/02/2019 07:30

This might be a terrible idea but is there any of his mates who you feel close enough to that you could talk to about the heart attack and see if they would try and keep an eye on him when he's out? It would need to be someone you really trust, it could backfire spectacularly. But if there's someone you're both close to - you could tell your DH you've spoken to him as well, you wouldn't have to go behind his back.

user1493413286 · 03/02/2019 07:33

That sounds really stressful and upsetting; my DH recently had to make some significant lifestyle changes due to his health. It’s been really hard but he knows the reality is if he doesn’t; is your DH in denial about it?

Gizlotsmum · 03/02/2019 07:39

Does he have routine check ups? Could you go and express your concerns? Have you told him you are scared he will die? I think if he doesn't listen or just pays lip service to you then start planning a future without him.

KM99 · 03/02/2019 07:40

OP, what was he like before the heart attack? Was he a big drinker? Is this unusual behaviour to be so reckless? It's clear he's not coping with the aftermath of having a heart attack.

That being said. I agree #1 make sure things are in order. Insurance, will etc. It sounds so horribly clinical but you need to be protected should the worst happen.

#2 I'd sit him down (or maybe write a letter) and calmly explain how you feel. Tell him it's the one and only time you'll say this to him but you need to make it clear he knows your feelings. That you can't sit by and watch him drink himself into an early grave. That he needs to seek help to address his behaviour. Keep it calm, keep it neutral and leave it to him to take the next step.

Then honestly, OP, I'd be questioning if you want to stay in a marriage that's like a ticking time bomb. He's putting his own denial/stubbornness/whatever before your future.

I'm sorry you are going through this. I hope you find some resolution.

HoneysuckIejasmine · 03/02/2019 07:41

Do his friends know about this? If they do then shame on them for "allowing" it. Any decent mates would change their social events and help him cope.

Agree all you can do is get your ducks in a row for his premature death. And make sure he knows you are, too.

ems137 · 03/02/2019 07:45

Your DH obviously just doesn't care. Unfortunately you can't make him do anything but I'd be livid in your position. I would see it as though he was risking his life, and not caring about leaving me behind every time he did something like that.

So, if he doesn't care about leaving you behind, just so he can get pissed with his mates then I would start to make a new life. One that didn't involve him.

PurpleFlower1983 · 03/02/2019 07:46

What an awful situation! Agree about the life insurance/will. Make sure they are in order. It must have been very severed to have caused so much damage and there is a very real possibility that next time he will not survive. Try to prepare OP Flowers.

Morgan12 · 03/02/2019 07:47

I'd sit down with him and have a conversation about life insurance and get him to make a will if he doesn't have one. Might give him the kick up the arse he needs. He may be in complete denial.

TORDEVAN · 03/02/2019 07:58

Cross? I'd be getting my ducks in a row and leaving. With a very frank discussion about how I love him but I'm not prepared to watch him kill himself.

Guineapiglet345 · 03/02/2019 08:22

I wouldn’t worry about getting him to make a Will, I’d be sending him to the funeral directors to get a funeral plan and while he’s there he might as well pick out what coffin and music he wants to save you the hassle.

Mummyoflittledragon · 03/02/2019 08:28

Has he come home? Is he ok? I agree with pps. I think a kick up the backside is probably required. He is telling you in a roundabout way he doesn’t care if he leaves you alone. How will he feel if you decide to leave him??

Forken · 03/02/2019 08:32

Maybe coming so close to death has made him a bit “YOLO” in his attitude. Not helpful for you, but I wonder how he is feeling

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