Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2

Original poster

To be cross with husband

44 replies

midnightgirl · 02/02/2019 23:44

Ok so my husband of 5 months had a severe heart attack 1 week before our wedding. It's all been very stressful and apparently he has quite severe damage to his heart. He has been told not to drink anymore than 2 litres a day wether that be tea, coffee water or alcohol! As it will put strain on his heart pump. He is completely ignoring this and often goes out on the raz with his mates. The problem is anything his mates do it's alcohol related. Tonight he's gone to a 50th he promised he would come home after a few drinks. Yet he's paralytic now and refuses to come home.

Aibu to expect him to stop this or should I just let him do what the hell he wants. I'm only worrying about him and nor do I want to be a widow yet but what do I do?!

OP posts:

UghFletcher · 03/02/2019 08:47

OP I work with a lady whose husband was in a similar situation. He kept drinking and guess what, he croaked it late last year.

There was literally nothing my co-worker could do to stop him because he 'knew better' than the doctors that or he had resigned himself to die anyway

The only thing she could do was make sure everything was in order for when he was gone, sadly. As he was an adult who could make his own choices.

Make sure you will keep a roof over your head and that the will and life insurance etc.. is in order. Be there for him if he does have a change of mind.

Crunchymum · 03/02/2019 08:50

Did you name change OP?

I'm surprised he is allowed any alcohol given his "heart pump" ????

FannyFifer · 03/02/2019 09:00

Are you sure he has a heart pump?

He must be waiting on a heart transplant then, if he's been fitted with a LVAD that's usually the case?
If he has a LVAD then he must be on an awful lot of meds for heart failure & shouldn't be drinking alcohol at all.

Comenext · 03/02/2019 09:04

Prepare for the worst as other posters on here have said.
Make sure you will be safe and secure money-wise after his death.
Plan ahead for life without him.
What family do you have?
Keep your friends close and look to them for support.
Do not rely on him for anything.
Stay strong.

juneau · 03/02/2019 09:05

I suspect he's in denial OP. How old is he? It's hard to face your own mortality, especially if all your friends are in decent health and your social life revolves around things that you absolutely shouldn't be doing any more.

Talk to him. Tell him how worried you are. Do what GrandmaJane said. But don't try and reason with him when he's pissed - wait until he's sobered up.

HomoHeinekenensis · 03/02/2019 09:11

The thing is if he's going to have consequences to his drinking, death might not actually be the outcome. He might end up needing 24/7 care and OP might well be in the frame for this! Due to this alone I would be leaving OP. If he doesn't care then why should you?
My DH is on very restricted fluid intake. At first he expected me to monitor him. I made it clear pretty damn soon that he was in charge of his own illness/meds/intake and he is on virtually every aspect of it now thankfully. I collect his drugs from the surgery and pot them up two weeks in advance. I cook him meals that he can eat with his condition. Other than that, everything is up to him.

Original poster

midnightgirl · 03/02/2019 09:22

Well he got home around 2am I was asleep really but he said he wasn’t drunk, though he was acting it. I don’t think his mates get it, they are as bad and buy him pints. Even when I’m out with dp he always says well it’s Saturday night. I do know his life insurance and will is sorted as is mine.

OP posts:

Onlyjoinedforthisthread · 03/02/2019 09:27

how old is he? And what surgery has he had need?
Maybe he is thinking it's better to enjoy a short life than not enjoy a long life. If some one told me to give up x and y that i really enjoy and I'll live 10 years or if I don't I'll only live 1 or 2 I'd go for the latter and that is true of most people given most people's diets and alcohol consumption. Life is for living and enjoying not waiting to die.
The only reason to try and extend your life is if you have children or a cure to your illness is round the corner

Original poster

midnightgirl · 03/02/2019 09:34

Well we going to see the consultant on Tuesday, tbh I'm not sure what the plan is, I just now every time we go to an appointment it never sounds good.

OP posts:

MyMuffinsStuck · 03/02/2019 09:37

Be careful about his life insurance. I'm no expert but if he has had a heart attack, severe damage, going against doctor advice and drinking to excess, could this not invalidate any claim if the worst does happen?

Togertiger · 03/02/2019 09:37

midnightgirl Drinking mates never get it because they don’t want to get it. It stops their own fun.

My ILs are drinkers and FIL ended up in hospital with a brain bleed because of it.

He was in hospital for he best part of a week, he couldn’t even receive treatment straight away because of the level of alcohol in his system. When he was discharged he was told not to drink because if he fell and hit his head again it could be catastrophic, plus he was on medication that was not to be taken with alcohol.

He was out drinking with his “mates” within y three days and went on a fortnight bender drinking every day because he didn’t have to be at work (signed off sick). MIL was lying to everyone saying he wasn’t drinking but one of his “mates” was logging it all on Facebook as if it were a huge joke. Photos with “Here’s xxx just out of hospital, still drunk from last night” sort of thing.

These people are functioning alcoholics except they won’t be functioning for long.

Original poster

midnightgirl · 03/02/2019 09:52

Well the problem is he likes seeing his mates but anything they do is drink related it always has been. I've tried explaining to some of them the dangers and his own brother is in this group of friends no one does anything to try and stop him. I've just noticed he's in bed fully dressed so not drunk much then

OP posts:

Original poster

midnightgirl · 03/02/2019 10:34

But as you all say there isn't a lot I can do 😔

OP posts:

Motoko · 03/02/2019 10:58

Yeah, not sure the insurance will pay out.

bluebeck · 03/02/2019 11:15

Agree with Grandma Jane, and I would start to emotionally detach from him.

I would be planning life without him.

Gruzinkerbell1 · 03/02/2019 11:21

He's in denial and in self-destruct mode.

Do his parents know how he's behaving?

I'm afraid you have to detach. If he's not willing to help himself he won't be around for much longer. I'm really sorry OP.

Original poster

midnightgirl · 03/02/2019 11:35

Well his dad is no longer with us, but his mum says nothing intact she almost encourages it, I don't know how much she knows but was talking about his 50th which is next year and she was saying oh are you going away with the lads (lads at 50) and then he thought about it and said oh yeh actually I might. I just glared at him, and her but she didn't notice.

OP posts:

Motoko · 03/02/2019 13:04

Perhaps you should have been blunt and said that the way he's going, he'll be dead before his 50th. That's what I would've done.

juneau · 03/02/2019 13:05

So he had a massive heart attack at the end of August and his own DM is asking if he'll be going out boozing on his 50th birthday? He'll be lucky to make it to his 50th birthday at this rate. Have you asked him OP 'DH, do you realise that drinking could kill you?'. Can you contact the consultant ahead of your meeting this week and ask him/her to go through the risks associated with his current lifestyle? It's worth a try, but people in deep, deep denial (especially ones enabled in their fantasy world by the friends and family), can be impossible to reason with. Denial and fear of one's own mortality are more powerful forces then most others IME.

Flip

1 2

Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.

Join Mumsnet Log In

This thread is closed and is no longer accepting replies. Click here to start a new thread.

Swipe left for the next trending thread