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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Aibu to feel upset over husband and third child

33 replies

Lisalouisa · 02/02/2019 22:54

husband doesn’t want a third. I do. Obviously not something you can compromise on. Accepted it but rarely I can get a bit upset (mostly I go a bit quiet) when I see a newborn and briefly think of what could be. DH becomes an insensitive prick. Apparently I’m ungrateful for the children I do have. I must hate my life etc Why have I got to respect his feelings but he won’t respect mine? Why do I have to suddenly not want more children?

OP posts:

Alpacanorange · 02/02/2019 23:17

Ignore, he clearly doesn’t have the same emotional need for another child as you. I get you, I felt like and did cry for same reasons, it ebbs and flows, it’s biology otherwise we wouldn’t out ourselves through the pain

AnoukSpirit · 02/02/2019 23:20

Have you said this to him? About respecting your feelings etc?

That is fairly shitty behaviour on his part, YANBU to be upset.

WorraLiberty · 02/02/2019 23:44

When you say 'go a bit quiet'. Is it obvious and does he think you're doing it to make him feel bad?

I only ask because my neighbour used to do this to her husband every time she saw me pushing my pram and it was so awkward.

Marriedwithchildren5 · 03/02/2019 09:37

Your quiet could be a bit pa. I go quiet when my dh and i argue. I make sure he knows it aswell. I assume, if you're doing that he's probably already on the defence and dreads when a new baby arrives. Its tough when you dont feel ready to move on from having babies.

BIgBagofJelly · 03/02/2019 09:58

Maybe this is a communication issue. He might see you going quiet as sulky and manipulative where as for you it's just a genuine emotional reaction. Could you pick a quiet moment when neither of you are annoyed and talk it through in a non accusatory way?

TheBigBangRocks · 03/02/2019 11:09

Because forcing someone else to have a child they don't want is very wrong.

I have to agree with him, you have two children yet they aren't enough for you. What happens when a third is not enough or is past the newborn stage?

Original poster

Lisalouisa · 03/02/2019 11:22

I’m not forcing him that it is the point. He said no, I have to accept it.

I think some of you are right, maybe he is already defensive / thinking i’m Trying to malipulate. I’ll have a chat with him. Thanks all.

OP posts:

RelaxDontDoooIt · 03/02/2019 11:27

If my husband went quiet every time something I didn’t want to do came up, I would assume he was trying to make me feel bad and being a bit passive aggressive actually. You have two children, he is not being unreasonable not wanting a third. You will need to take time to accept this but allowing yourself to get upset everytime you see a baby is going to become quite problematic if it goes on for a long time. For both of you!

Youmadorwhat · 03/02/2019 11:27

I get that he needs to respect your feelings but you need to respect his too!! You say you have accepted it but clearly you haven’t. I don’t know a way around this, it’s a hard one but a good chat about how you both feel and a decision to close the book on both accounts is necessary otherwise the issue will keep rearing it’s ugly head 🤷‍♀️

RelaxDontDoooIt · 03/02/2019 11:28

Just to add, you say you need to accept it but getting upset isn’t accepting it... and that is probably where the problem lies right now. You verbally accept it but then act in a way which says you don’t so therefore the disagreement continues.

Original poster

Lisalouisa · 03/02/2019 11:32

I agree with this actually. But just as he can’t change how he feels, I can’t either. I get upset rarely tbh but I should probably just communicate it rather when being ‘passive agressive’ (Though i’m not trying to be)

OP posts:

birdladyfromhomealone · 03/02/2019 11:41

I was the same wanting number 4 so got sterilised so that was the end of those feelings.
It worked for me but I know its drastic.
My friend wanted 3 and her DH said no. It cased a lot of ill feelings.
She got pregnant with her 3rd by accident but he accused her of doing it on purpose???
He could have taken control.
He left her when she was 33wks.
Still sees his two DD but has never taken his DS out once.
Awful!

Stormy76 · 03/02/2019 11:43

It takes a while to accept that you are not going to have any more children. I wanted a third and DH had the snip, I struggled with that a lot for a long time. He didn’t want anymore, it’s his body and he has the right to make that choice, I wasn’t done so I just had to learn to live with it because I love him and don’t want to leave him.

Butchyrestingface · 03/02/2019 11:48

Accepted it but rarely I can get a bit upset (mostly I go a bit quiet) when I see a newborn and briefly think of what could be.

What exactly do you mean by "a bit upset/quiet"? Are you midway through a conversation with your husband when a baby comes on the TV or is strolled past in your peripheral vision and you either start crying or go silent?

How often are these episodes and how long do they last?

Tbh, I can see why this would feel manipulative to him, and he reacts defensively to what he perceives as guilt tripping. He does sound a bit aggressive about it though, especially the bit about saying you're not grateful for the kids you already have, or that you hate your life. That smacks of him going OTT to try to validate his view of your perceived unreasonableness.

emmylousings · 03/02/2019 11:49

OP, I think you need to accept that you have been lucky; you are very fortunate to have 2 healthy children, yes you may yearn for a 3rd but you will get over it in time. No-one gets everything they want. Focus on what you have and enjoying that. More isn't always better.

Pics · 03/02/2019 11:50

I was the same. I pushed for a third - he explained all his reasons eventually, but had struggled to express them. They were very good reasons. We agreed to leave it to fate - 3mths without contraception and by some miracle (hardly any sex, illness, took over 2 yrs to conceive others) I became pregnant and we now have 3.
we both love her enormously, but I now understand all his reasons better, and I can see totally where he was coming from. If he were to suggest we had a 4th, I would feel exactly how he did when I wanted a third - horrified, unwilling and exhausted in advance. I think we all just reach a stage when it is enough - his was 2, mine is DEFINITELY 3.
So you are not being unreasonable to be upset - but he is not being unreasonable either.

I hope you manage to come to some sort of understanding one way or another.

Sarahandduck18 · 03/02/2019 11:52

If you really want 3dc you can have 3dc. Is it important enough for you to divorce over?

If I really wanted another dc I’d choose that over a partner.

Contraceptionismyfriend · 03/02/2019 11:55

I completely understand how you feel OP.

I was done at 2. And then I had a miscarriage with the implant in.

And all of a sudden it was all I could think about. Husband and was a flat out no but came around.

I know the urge and the longing you have and I understand the sadness. It's not about not being grateful but seeing the missing person.

Unfortunately as Pp said the quietness could be very aggravating and PA.

Could you make plans for the future? Start small. The next holiday, the next big day out etc

When I thought it was a definite no I got a cat 😂

greendale17 · 03/02/2019 11:57

I have to agree with him, you have two children yet they aren't enough for you. What happens when a third is not enough or is past the newborn stage?

^This

Candelabra75 · 03/02/2019 12:06

You can't help feeling the way you do, and no-one should be making you feel bad. But really in the circumstances you do have to think how lucky you are to have two children, and start thinking about where you want your life to move onto next, to give you something positive to focus on. I'm only saying this because I've been in your situation myself two or three years ago. To be honest having another child seemed like an easier, more comfortable option at the time. I did feel quite down for a bit and quite resentful of my husband, but in the last few months I've become happy that things didn't work out that way, and our relationship has improved a lot.

fromnowhere · 03/02/2019 12:07

The op has already said that she's accepted her dh's decision and yet still pp pile on to berate her for wanting a third! Read the op properly fgs.

In marriage there are plenty of things you will have to compromise on, some small, some not so, like this. The important thing is you respect his decision, which you have said you do.

YANBU to be upset about this. Sit down when you have time talk to him. Reiterate that you respect his decision for no more DC, but tell him that you are deeply upset by this, and that you may be for a long time and this is not something you can control.

I assume that you don't go on about it every time you see a newborn because a) what's the point when the decision is made and b) you don't want to upset your dh either.

Is he asking for you to be a robot, slap on a big fake smile and pretend to be ecstatic about it? If so, that's bullshit, and not a great basis for a relationship if he's asking to be deceived rather than have to witness you have any real feelings.

I doubt this is the case, unless you know him to be a twat in other ways? Tell him you're not being manipulative, but he's going to have to stop being aggressive, or he needs to avoid being around both you and new babies?!

scarbados · 03/02/2019 12:16

And when DC3 grows past neonate stage and you want number 4? What would you expect then?

Hilda40 · 03/02/2019 12:19

Have you noticed the population of the World lately?

AlexaAmbidextra · 03/02/2019 12:21

If you really want 3dc you can have 3dc. Is it important enough for you to divorce over? If I really wanted another dc I’d choose that over a partner.

How incredibly selfish. So you’d deliberately subject your existing children to a broken home to get what you want?

Original poster

Lisalouisa · 03/02/2019 12:26

Hilda40, if it bothers you that much I suggest to go and educate people in the countries where the birth rate is through the roof.

OP posts:

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