Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to want my sister to pay her fair share

46 replies

multikids · 02/02/2019 22:38

AIBU when we go out for joint family meals for her to pay her fair share?
I don’t know if I am being unfair, but most recent dinner has got me really upset. Sorry for long post!!
For background my sister is a single parent with a 9 year old DS. I am married and have DS 11 and twins DS and DD who are 8.
We both ( my sister and I ) have good jobs. I’m part time and she is full time and brilliant with money as she works in finance. She rents out 2 flats and has her own house. I am rubbish with money.
When we all go out with DM and DF and my DH there are 9 of us. DSis has a reputation of being tight and it’s almost a bit of a joke.
Recently however, whenever we go out for a meal she tries to get out of paying her share and I end up paying most of the bill.
We went out for my fathers birthday last year and I paid for west end tickets which she didn’t pay me for (fair enough ....I booked it and didn’t ask her to pay) then we went out for dinner and she insisted on paying £25 for her share of a £180 bill! My twins eat fairly little (DD only had a plate of chips last time). DSis and DN both ordered appetisers and mains and drinks - she often over orders (very very embarrassing at a buffet- she wastes so much food!!) and then also refuses to pay half of my parents food bill too!
Today was my mother’s birthday and I had asked in advance that she needed to make sure she pays her share and half my mums, but the same thing happened. She wanted to pay £30 of a £170 bill. She and DN are vegetarian, so granted their food is slightly cheaper, but today I ordered nothing and the twins had small side plates. I worked it out when I got home and it should have been about £48.
I was upset at the restaurant and didn’t want to make a scene so I paid the whole amount.
We have also obviously paid numerous times for DN as he hangs out with our kids, but she never appreciates it. My parents are her sons after school carers and often feel their lives are in hold as they can’t get away as they look after him during the holidays too.
I feel she gets away with making everyone feel bad for her, but I think now she is taking the proverbial. She always claims poverty, but she still managed a break for herself in America for a retreat whilst my DM and DF had to look after DN.
should I let it go as she has it tough being a single parent, or should I not let her get away with this?!?!

OP posts:
newnameforthis7 · 02/02/2019 22:40

You need to stop going out with her for food!

TokenGinger · 02/02/2019 22:43

Next time you go out, ask the waiter for two separate bills. Tell them what's on yours and what's on hers.

Littleraindrop15 · 02/02/2019 22:44

Don't split the bills say you will pay separately or have two tabs one for her one for you.

Wild123 · 02/02/2019 22:44

Just add up what each person owes when the bill comes and tell her the cost of what she ordered..

Weenurse · 02/02/2019 22:45

Calmly write down how much you have paid recently to subsidise their meals.
Ask to be reimbursed.
Then let her know you will not be doing meals with her as she does not pay her way and you can’t afford it.
He child care arrangements are between her and your parents, so while frustrating, you can’t comment.

7yo7yo · 02/02/2019 22:47

She’s a CF because she’s allowed to be.
Call her on it.
These people get away with it because mugs let them.
Also, book your parents a “surprise holiday”. If she complains tell her that her childcare is her issue.
As an aside doesn’t your DH moan? Mine is easy going but if someone was taking the piss like your sis he’d soon say something!

justasking111 · 02/02/2019 22:50

We have a friend like this in finance funnily enough. She is on 80k a year, top of the range mercedes, big house. She will try to wriggle out of paying her share. On a girls night out it is a relief if she cannot come.

PolarBearDisguisedAsAPenguin · 02/02/2019 22:52

Yes, I agree about getting two separate bills so she can’t do this.

However, I’m struggling with this I ordered nothing and the twins had small side plates. I worked it out when I got home and it should have been about £48 - two small side plates for children came to £48?!

SneakyGremlins · 02/02/2019 22:54

Had a friend like this - I looked up the menu beforehand and took exactly enough to pay for me! Grin She needs to learn this won't work.

AlexaShutUp · 02/02/2019 22:55

Hmm, well it does sound as if she is unreasonable, but perhaps she feels your approach is unreasonable too.

Does she want to split the bill for your parents' food or is this just something that you tell her is going to happen? Are you expecting to share the cost half and half, despite the fact that your family is more than twice the size of hers?

My DSis often suggests that we split the bill 50:50 when we go out with my parents - usually because she is staying with my mum and dad and wants to contribute because they've bought all the food that she and her dh and dc are eating at their house. I don't stay there (live closer) so don't feel that need to contribute. My parents aren't badly off.

Nevertheless, I'm quite happy to share the costs of my parents' food. What really irks me is that she expects to split the bill equally between us even when my DH isn't there (he travels a lot) and even though we don't eat meat while they all tuck into expensive steaks. Add that to the fact that both she and BIL both tend to drink wine while I can't because I have to drive, and the fact that my dc has an appetite half the size of her dc, I am not particularly inclined to split the bill 50:50.

Are you sure your expectations are fair? How does she arrive at the amount that she is willing to pay?

SneakyGremlins · 02/02/2019 22:55

@PolarBearDisguisedAsAPenguin

I think OP means her sister should have paid £48 not £30 like she wanted to?

Wowserme · 02/02/2019 23:04

Just keep on paying for the tight cow then feel resentful afterwards that she’s taking the piss out of you.
Why ask when you know what you need to do?

TaimaandRanyasBestFriend · 02/02/2019 23:07

Why keep enabling her? Stop going out for meals with her or if you do, tell the staff you want separate bills at the outset.

Butterfly84 · 02/02/2019 23:14

I would just stop going out with her for food. She is tight but in quite a nasty way...making you fork out when she seems to be loaded. I wouldn't even bother going out with her and doing the seperate bills thing because you'll still end up paying for your mum, dad etc. You've basically outright told her before that she needs to stop being tight and she still is.

Yabbers · 02/02/2019 23:17

Did you ask her if she was ok to pay your parents part of the bill?

Why mention she didn’t pay for the tickets if you never asked her to?

Why is the fact your parents do childcare for her (but complain about it) relevant?

Sounds like you think this single mum is a freeloader and yet you don’t mention anything about whether the is actually struggling (apart from a sideways dig at her having a holiday whilst your parents babysat)

AlexaShutUp · 02/02/2019 23:17

The thing is, it would be incredibly easy to get separate bills. That's why I'm wondering if the OP is actually angling for a different split of the bill.

My DSis looks all magnanimous when she offers to pay for my parents, but the reality is, she is often paying for her family and leaving me to pay for my mum and dad because her family's meals are so much more expensive.

OP, as this has happened several times, why don't you just get separate bills? Wouldn't that be the obvious solution?

ChariotsofFish · 02/02/2019 23:21

You went out for a family meal and ordered nothing? You just sat there with a glass of water and then paid £140? I’d find it irritating to go out with either of you.

HollowTalk · 02/02/2019 23:24

You need to have it out with her. If that's easier to do by text, then do it that way. It needs to be said, though.

And your parents need to tell her about childminding, too. They are supposed to be enjoying their retirement and she's preventing that.

cherish123 · 02/02/2019 23:24

She does sound tight. However, I am surprised your parents don't pay. My DM always pays as does FIL - they insist. When my DC grown up, I wouldn't dream of asking them to pay unless I was short of cash.

MumW · 02/02/2019 23:29

Agree that seperate bills is the way forward.
Both you and DPs need to grow a backbone and sometimes put your feet down and say no.

Beeziekn33ze · 02/02/2019 23:30

Multikids. Your sister IS brilliant with money, isn't she!! She almost makes me glad that, like you, I'm not so brilliant with it!

BusySnipingOnCallOfDuty · 02/02/2019 23:45

I've frequently experienced the better off types being more stingy with their money. My own family, both sides, as well. Though those I'm in touch with have helped out. It's just they're very much counting every single penny. But even they wouldn't ever stoop to this low. Sounds like because she's a single parent she expects to be treated like a poor single parent rather than the affluent one she is.

Maelstrop · 02/02/2019 23:55

She’s a very cf! Why did you let her get away with it? Grab the bill, tell her how much she owes, easy! Keep telling her until she forks out.

GreenTulips · 03/02/2019 00:07

People always complain about those who itemize the bills - however this is exactly why It’s necessary

Stop going for meals and tell her why

Ask her for her share of the bill

DSis I think you miscalculated the meals - your share was X so you owe me Y - see what she says

Returning2thesceneofthecrime · 03/02/2019 00:07

Tell the waiter you want separate bills as soon as you sit down. Or look at the bill and calculate what she owes and then tell her that her share is x.

Not rocket science. You can easily put an end to her cheeky fuckery.

Swipe left for the next trending thread