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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to want my sister to pay her fair share

46 replies

multikids · 02/02/2019 22:38

AIBU when we go out for joint family meals for her to pay her fair share?
I don’t know if I am being unfair, but most recent dinner has got me really upset. Sorry for long post!!
For background my sister is a single parent with a 9 year old DS. I am married and have DS 11 and twins DS and DD who are 8.
We both ( my sister and I ) have good jobs. I’m part time and she is full time and brilliant with money as she works in finance. She rents out 2 flats and has her own house. I am rubbish with money.
When we all go out with DM and DF and my DH there are 9 of us. DSis has a reputation of being tight and it’s almost a bit of a joke.
Recently however, whenever we go out for a meal she tries to get out of paying her share and I end up paying most of the bill.
We went out for my fathers birthday last year and I paid for west end tickets which she didn’t pay me for (fair enough ....I booked it and didn’t ask her to pay) then we went out for dinner and she insisted on paying £25 for her share of a £180 bill! My twins eat fairly little (DD only had a plate of chips last time). DSis and DN both ordered appetisers and mains and drinks - she often over orders (very very embarrassing at a buffet- she wastes so much food!!) and then also refuses to pay half of my parents food bill too!
Today was my mother’s birthday and I had asked in advance that she needed to make sure she pays her share and half my mums, but the same thing happened. She wanted to pay £30 of a £170 bill. She and DN are vegetarian, so granted their food is slightly cheaper, but today I ordered nothing and the twins had small side plates. I worked it out when I got home and it should have been about £48.
I was upset at the restaurant and didn’t want to make a scene so I paid the whole amount.
We have also obviously paid numerous times for DN as he hangs out with our kids, but she never appreciates it. My parents are her sons after school carers and often feel their lives are in hold as they can’t get away as they look after him during the holidays too.
I feel she gets away with making everyone feel bad for her, but I think now she is taking the proverbial. She always claims poverty, but she still managed a break for herself in America for a retreat whilst my DM and DF had to look after DN.
should I let it go as she has it tough being a single parent, or should I not let her get away with this?!?!

OP posts:
slappinthebass · 03/02/2019 00:12

But £170 divided by 8 (you, your DH your twins, your mum your dad her her son?) is 21.25 so if she just added on half of your mums, maybe this seems ok in her head? Particularly if her and her sons food is cheaper than average and she doesn't drink alcohol.

BadLad · 03/02/2019 00:22

Why would you go for a meal and order nothing?

Winterberriesonatree · 03/02/2019 00:48

I have a sister who is also a CF. She lives near our elderly Mum and in fairness does do a great deal to help her. The consequence has been that over the years DM has usually paid for her and her children when they go out anywhere at all. In years gone by Dsis enjoyed unlimited free childcare from DM, so it wasn't a one way street by any means.

Last Easter we visited and all had a day out together at the coast. My DM suggested an up market fish restaurant in North Devon for tea, so we all went along with this. They ordered starters, main courses and deserts with drinks etc.. There was me with two adult DCs. Dsis with two adult DCs and my DM. When it came to paying the bill all sat silent, no offers to split the bill. Dsis did not do so much as reach for her handbag, so I ended up getting my card out and paying for all of us, plus the tip.

We had paid for accommodation to visit, as we have done most years. They live at the other end of the country and never visit us yet, somehow also expected I would pay for them all to eat out as well. If I had known that the total bill would be left to me, then it might have been fish and chips brought home as a takeaway.

The following day we visited DM in the afternoon and I took the DCs out for a bar meal afterwards without inviting any of them. They were all disappointed at being left out of this freebie, quite offended apparently.

Winterberriesonatree · 03/02/2019 00:52

Returning2thesceneofthecrime

Next time we visit that is exactly what we will do, although I will happily pay for DMs meal as well.

Kisskiss · 03/02/2019 01:04

@winterberriesonatree. People like that just need to be called out on it!!!!! Sooo annoying but better to bring it up /embarrass them, which sorts it out there and then and stops it recurring?
A week ago me, Dh, sil, and pil went for dinner. 5 adults..
the bill arrived and sil and Pil just sit there, silent . Used to this nonsense as Sil is tighter than a duck’s arse...

normally, Dh gets uncomfortable and will take the bill and pay it.. so before he could this time, i grabbed it.. and said so we split 4 ways? ( mil has never worked, so has no money of her own, fil has a very decent pension and sil is in s very well paying job)

Grudgingly wallets and credit cards are produced.. felt much better after though

Winterberriesonatree · 03/02/2019 01:51

Kisskiss

Too right. I have discussed this with adult DCs and agreed that next time we visit CF family, we will simply go half board and offer to collect DM so she can enjoy a meal out in a hotel with us when we visit. She doesn't see much of our DCs and certainly deserves to be treated.

If CF family/Dsis and kids want to come they can book a table and pay their own bill.

Original poster
multikids · 03/02/2019 02:55

Thanks for all your messages. I am definitely not going to go out with her on family meals again. It’s just a shame as this is what my mum in particular likes to do as otherwise it’s mum and I in the kitchen making the food 🙄.
You’re totally right about separate bills ...... I should have asked. I thought I could work it out from the bill..... but it was literally written in Chinese 😂.
Thanks again for all your suggestions. I need to grow a backbone and stop winging about it afterwards. DH is supportive and feels she is getting worse too.
I don’t in general get involved with her childcare arrangements but I feel sorry for my folks and we can never arrange to go away without DSis permission.
Thanks again, this was my first post ...... it was very therapeutic writing here..... and I feel you were all very gentle with me 💕👍🏽

OP posts:
Original poster
multikids · 03/02/2019 02:59

Beeziekn33ze - me too!

OP posts:
Original poster
multikids · 03/02/2019 03:04

Winterberriesonatree

Sounds very similar!!

OP posts:
Original poster
multikids · 03/02/2019 03:06

Sorry... I didn’t mean I didn’t eat at the meal..... I just didn’t order any food..... I hate wasting food..... I shared with twins and DH ( but not DSis 😂)

OP posts:
Original poster
multikids · 03/02/2019 03:09

Yes - that’s right

OP posts:
Justagirlwholovesaboy · 03/02/2019 03:11

Op I get you, and I’ve been there, it’s so easy to just pay than cause family drama

Lotuslots · 03/02/2019 04:04

I seriously don't understand how you cant address this with your sister in a text/phone call/ even email. This is not a stranger. This is your sister.
In the moment because there are people around I understand the easiest option is just to pay more than your fair share. But after... why the hell not fix this. I just don't get it.

kateandme · 03/02/2019 04:59

I don't understand how this is even happening.

IWentAwayIStayedAway · 03/02/2019 05:23

Can you not continue with meals out but not with your sis?

OwlBeThere · 03/02/2019 05:33

her childcare with your parents is entirely irrelevant. if your parents have a problem with it, then they should take it up with her, its nothing to do with you.
as for the food bills, you need to strap on a pair and only pay your part andthen she doesn'thave a choice.

Fundays12 · 03/02/2019 06:34

I would refuse to go out with her or insist on separate bills. I do not like “splitting bills” as someone (normally me) ends up paying more as I am a small eater and tend to drive. Also your parents are allowing your sister to take advantage of them around childcare so there is nothing you can do about it. If they are moaning about it tell them to speak to her not you.

rowrowrowyourboat123 · 03/02/2019 06:45

Go to Nando's where you pay for yourself before you eat???
I always used to go there for my birthday meals because I can't be dealing with the faff of splitting bills 😂

BlackCatSleeping · 03/02/2019 06:52

Just go out with your mum and your DH and kids and don’t invite her. It’s harsh but her own fault.

HolyMountain · 03/02/2019 07:55

I don’t in general get involved with her childcare arrangements but I feel sorry for my folks and we can never arrange to go away without DSis permission

Your Parents and you should stop letting her be in charge. She doesn’t contribute fairly, if you cook st home she doesn’t help you and your Mum, is that right? And if you need permission off her to arrange a get away with your parents?

She needs to be told , in no uncertain terms , you’ve all had enough.

GreenTulips · 03/02/2019 09:04

her childcare with your parents is entirely irrelevant

No it isn’t

She gets free childcare and saves ££££ and therefore should contribute more towards her parents meal as a thank you.

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