Being probed about toddlers bumps and tumbles in an accusatory manner.

[Bangersandmash1]

DS is 12 months and has been toddling since 11 months, he runs around (well tries to) so he has alot of tumbles and bumps which is to be expected of a toddler, surely?

One relative (who has no experience of toddlers or children at all for that matter) is forever commenting when he has a bump on his head, a mark or a little bruise from catching himself on the coffee table / tv unit etc. He's a boisterous little boy and does trip up several times a day as he tries to be fast on his feet.

It's starting to feel accusatory and I'm beginning to feel offended and annoyed, its as though they think we're deliberately pushing him over or god forbid hitting him. They haven't said as much but their inquisions stink of judgement.

I sent them a sweet photo of DS laid with his teddy bear today and he has a small bump on his head, the response was "oh I see he's had another accident" and started insinuating we shouldn't let him nap after he's had a bump to the head. He banged it yesterday ffs and it was a total non event.

AIBU to be annoyed about this? Would you be?

I completely understand why you're irritated and feeling sensitive about the subject. They sound like passive aggressive digs to me. I've found that there's often no-one more judgemental than folk who've never had children. If you're pregnant too, there's a good chance things are hitting home harder than usual - I was an emotional wreck when I was pregnant.

What I wanted to ask though was whether you've considered the little helmet things you can get? My son was premature and was mobile before he was physically ready so he was extremely clumsy and kept trying to move way too quickly for his physical co-ordination. He had a physiotherapist and she recommended this soft little helmet thingy which is comfortable to wear but protects against bumps and bangs. I'm not suggesting he wears it all the time but might help in some circumstances? Don't feel you have to - there's nothing unusual going on by the sounds of things. I only mention it in case you want to add a bit of extra protection. For what it's worth, by the time we got round to sorting it my son was falling over much less so we didn't bother. He was a nightmare though so I sympathise!

Wow, this has really made me think. My friend's little boy is always getting bumps and bruises and I often comment, just to say 'oh dear, how did he get that one?' Sometimes I call him mr bump.

It never occurred to me that it's my friend's fault, and equally never occurred to me that she would think I was accusing her!

I can see why you're upset at the comments but to be honest it's probably to be expected if he has that many marks and bruises in such a short time, as in, it's noticeable not that there's anything sinister behind it. Also you do actually have to be careful about bumps to the head, it's different to a bump on the shin. Saying "he banged it yesterday ffs" makes you sound so defensive (I know you're letting off steam but even so). How were they to know?

I have had 3 DCs so I know they can and do fall and so on but you really need to baby proof a bit harder at this stage. If he's having small bumps all the time then to be honest there's a high chance out of all of those times, one time he could really hurt himself. I didn't have a coffee table for years from my first learning to walk until my 3rd had finished learning to walk and yes it was a pain but we did ok without a coffee table (and a lot of other things, decorative bits and bobs at grabbing level, picture frames, ornaments, curtain tie-backs etc...)

Some accidents can't be avoided but I have seen some happen when the parent's eye has been off the ball. Quite clearly that doesn't mean they did anything bad but the learning to walk/toddle stage really requires super vigilance and standing over them all the time.

I always loved the 'devil horn' bumps. They bump one side of their forehead, and then the other within a few days. No child has learned to toddle until they've sported this look.

I had bump-riddled children. They're tall for their age (98th centile) and would regularly have clumsy episodes with each growth spurt. They still do at 8 and 10yo. Mind you I'm naturally gifted at bumping into anything too.

No one asked me anything about it. Must be my resting bitch face. The one time a head injury landed us in A&E I let DD1 explain it herself mummy told me not to stand on the sofa

Ignore anyone who hasn't been through the toddler-care years. Or laugh at their naivety

My DM is like this! "Ooh what's that bruise", "is that ANOTHER bruise". I know that, in no way, is she insinuating that I've hurt him but it's bloody annoying. Especially as our parenting styles are very different. I'm not a fan of over baby proofing everything. I honestly think they are more clumsy/vulnerable in the long run. My DS is 18 months and she still cringes if he gets himself up onto the sofa. He's never fallen off!! He's a very able child and aware of dangers (well as much as they can be at 18 months) of falling off of things. DM is a "wrap them in cotton wool" type of parent and because I don't do that it's almost as if I'm being judged as sub par. I think they mean well but it always feels judgy when people comment on how they'd do things differently!

Just tell them his bumps and scrapes are from when you dropped him out of a third floor window, and he fell into the holly bushes below.

Cheeky feckers!

I think getting rid of the coffee table is an idea, we can live without it.

Taking on board PP's suggestions about the foam on everything, a helmet occasionally etc.

I didn't say "He banged it yesterday ffs" to the relative by the way, incase anybody thought I was being rude to them. I was just having a bit of a moan here.

Truth be told it worries me sick that he falls, trips and bumps so often. It's a sensitive subject because it's something I'm very aware of and concerned about. Nobody is more critical of my parenting than me so I do feel as though they should just butt out a bit, because I can guarantee I've judged myself for them getting hurt much more harshly than anybody else could.

I remember when DS donked himself on the forehead with a baby rattle for the first time. I was freaking out when a bruise appeared the next day.

When DS was 4 months old he developed a hernia in his groin which needed emergency surgery. His little testicles looked bruised where the hernia was protruding. I remember my aunt ringing me after the hernia had been diagnosed and saying:

"Mum told me (DS) has got a bruise down below. And how has that happened then?"

I've never been so angry. I think my sensitivity maybe stems from that, or is at least compounded by it.

Here’s the problem - to the outside world it is very difficult to distinguish between bruising that is caused accidentally and bruising which is caused deliberately. YOU know it was accidental of course so any suggestion that you’ve been negligent in some way is hurtful to you. The danger is with everyone rushing to reassure you that actually we can’t really know how a bruise was caused. Far too much abuse gets written off as clumsiness - “ you know what kids are like”. If my child had a black eye or a fracture then it’s correct that someone ( not random in the street) asks the question about how that injury was sustained. It probably feels horrible at the time but I would put the safety of the child above the feelings of the parent if need be

I absolutely do agree

It's just as the parent it's hurtful that somebody who knows me so well would even think for a second any deliberate harm would come to my little boy at my hands.

If it was a health visitor, GP, nursery worker etc then I wouldn't be as defensive

I remember this stage with both dc. They were mad and I spent a lot of time chasing them around and NO was repeated 1000 times a day.
Bumps and bruises are normal as they learn to walk and run so take no notice of stupid remarks from people who have to be wedged out of their sofa!
Another thing I found annoying is when they were ill (a lot during nursery/reception days) was comments like "another cold?/cough etc. Poor thing" and the judgy look as if I sent them to a plague pit every day so I could go to work.

It's just as the parent it's hurtful that somebody who knows me so well would even think for a second any deliberate harm would come to my little boy at my hands

I agree it would be very hurtful.

Frequent bumps are normal at this age. Your child is learning balance and coordination. The bumps are part the learning process. Take away all the risk and they'll never learn that walking into a table isn't actually a good idea and should be avoided. Just make sure their is nothing that could cause serious injury i.e. sharp corners that could cut, steps that could be fallen down etc.
And ignore idiots who think children need to be wrapped in cotton wool.

• there not their!

Bangersandmash - About unwanted comments - Sometimes I find it hard not to say anything when I see babies out in buggies with no protection against hot sun.
DD did bang her head when starting to walk but also managed to bite her lip a lot. Sometimes she seemed to (briefly) bleed from the mouth almost daily. I felt so guilty. And it's such a relief when they grow tall enough to avoid the coffee table!

It's not that difficult actually to tell a non accidental injury from an accidental one. Social workers paediatricians and health visitors do it all the time. There are some litre injuries that are so typical that almost every child gets them. Some are hard to aquire and almost never occur except by abuse.
If a child is having too many injuries or for example dangerous accidents like falling down stairs that could indicate neglect. Some children bruise more easily than others.
Ask your family if they think your child is abused or neglected, and suggest they call nspcc if they do. Otherwise they should shut up as they are undermining you. Suggestions of how to keep an active child safe are a good idea, restricting them uneccessarily not so much.
Of course if your child is badly hurt you will seek medical help. Speak to your health visitor op. She should reassure you and give you confidence to tell these idiots to back off

Goosey there's such a fine balance between letting them learn and develop by exploring, and taking eye off the ball. (another reason why it's not easy being a parent!)

I'm not exactly "wrap them in cotton wool" but there are particular stages where you still need to be vigilant and I personally think learning to be on the move is a real biggie, especially when it's the first baby, because we as parents are learning what they can and can't do safely by themselves at different stages and they change so quickly.

eg for weeks they never even think to try to open the kitchen cupboards, don't even notice them (and neither do you particularly) and then one day they do, pull something heavy out and squash their toe or whatever whereas you can be sat 5 feet away in the next room listening thinking "there's nothing at all at their level in the kitchen, I've moved the dog water bowl and they can't reach the stove, or the taps" and so on, but you don't know they figure out the cupboards until they either do it when you are watching them, or when you aren't. Same for stairs. Same for taps (not so bad when they work out the cold tap, not fine if they pick the hot tap...) They are so young and lacking in any kind of danger awareness, they are helpless but because they are on their feet it's like they are "toddlers" (which can be 12months - 3 years). There's a big difference in levels of understanding (and steadiness) between a 12mo toddler and and 18mo toddler and a 2yo toddler, etc.... At 12 months and just walking, I personally (not saying everyone should) was right behind them pretty much all the time. Yes it was backbreaking (literally - all the bending down); tedious, annoying at times. but that's parenting at times!

I think some bumps and bruises are to be expected but if there was something that caused a permanent damage (ie a scar on the face, or an injury to the eye) then I know I'd be very regretful, for their sake.

Coffee tables and bedside cabinets in particular, and things like fireplace fenders, wooden footboard ends on beds - basically anything hard with a hard edge at our knee level/their head level or below - are total hotspots for young walkers.

GM once stage-whispered to DGF, "she's hitting his head off the floor" when I was changing a tantrumming 2yo DS1's nappy. We left her house and went back to my DM's for the rest of the holiday. I never spoke to her again.

Little, not litre

And do go out to the park so he can run about without smashing up the place!

I have noticed (at least in my case AFAIK) that it has never been other parents who've made remarks about my parenting, only ever people without children. I'm referring to two culprits who happen to be relatives who don't have children of their own, not strangers.

I think other parents just 'get it' don't they? It's not polite to comment unless of course you witness something terrible in which case I wouldn't be quiet either, but most of us have the tact and insight to know how unhelpful and hurtful unnecessary interference can be.

Lindy "Take away all the risk and they'll never learn that walking into a table isn't actually a good idea and should be avoided." With respect I couldn't disagree more with this for a 12 month old. They have no clue what a coffee table is, couldn't pick it out of a picture book, don't know it's dangerous no matter how many times they bump into it, and a bump from a coffee table could range from just the faintest bruise or no mark at all to a split chin/eyebrow or fracture depending on the force of the trip/fall.

It's not that difficult actually to tell a non accidental injury from an accidental one. Social workers paediatricians and health visitors do it all the time. There are some litre injuries that are so typical that almost every child gets them. Some are hard to aquire and almost never occur except by abuse.

Not when the abuser is experienced in hurting the child in ways that can be passed off as 'she's just so clumsy' because they've had practice with older children, it isn't.

Knees bruise when a child is pushed over/knocked down. Shins bruise when they are booted across the floor. Legs and arms bruise from trying to escape somebody dragging them by the hair. And not to forget that thumping them round the head means the majority of the bruising is hidden by the hair and only the bit where they fell onto their face is visible.

Yes, a spiral fracture of the arm is detectable - but the others? Indistinguishable, even assuming somebody actually thinks to ask about them.

I was delighted when my DD's nursery told me they had to record every bruise she came in with. Because it meant they were looking out for her in a way that nobody ever bothered to do for me.

@AngelicWings that's why we watch our children then we know what they can and can't reach/ get in to/ pull down. I'm quite aware of how to parent and none of my children have had any serious injuries further than the odd bruises. It's fairly easy to keep an eye on them and teach them "no". My 8 year old is doing just fine so I don't think I've got too much wrong

Daft mare, she’d call social services on me, no doubt! My 4 y/o has SN and hypermobility, making him very accident prone. This week he got some wooden blocks out then fell into them, leaving him with a graze and bruised lump on his cheek, then managed to headbutt the edge of the stage at playschool the next day. Not a lot anyone can do unfortunately.