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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

about this friendship?

36 replies

Home77 · 02/02/2019 20:29

We've been friends for over 20 years, since university where we flat shared together. went travelling, kept in touch over the years

She never wanted children, bit since I have had mine (two) in my twenties has been funny about it, even though I have never gone on about them, expected her to be involved...

for example she looked disgusted at me breastfeeding, and when my toddler came up to her said 'do you think i like you or something' (not in a nasty way but it still sort of hurt)

over the years I have done my best to meet up without them but once had to bring my son along to a Thai restaurant where he was quiet and didn't interrupt, but she sulked about that.

Recently, she said to me, what are their names again? and I felt kind of hurt again. I don't feel i can share anything about my children which are a huge part of my life for fear of upsetting her.

I could understand it more, if she couldn't have children and that was the reason behind her behaviour but it isn't the case.

OP posts:

ContessaIsOnADietDammit · 02/02/2019 20:31

Exactly how sure are you that she didn't want childen? It's possible that the lady protests too much.

WhenISnappedAndFarted · 02/02/2019 20:31

I'd be backing away from her tbh.

That's a horrible thing to say to a child, she really seems to resent your children and I couldn't be around that.

Original poster

Home77 · 02/02/2019 20:34

Possibly. She was very adamant- for example she has always used two different forms of contraception at once due to the fear of pregnancy.

Another thing I find difficult is she has got all these dogs and often takes me to shops to buy treats for the dogs, tells me about their birthdays etc, (and how she has forgot them) and stories about them- but at the same time I feel I can't say anything about my children

(plus I'm not keen on dogs, more of a cat person really, but I'd never say anything to hurt her)

OP posts:

PatchworkElmer · 02/02/2019 20:34

I couldn’t be around someone who didn’t treat my child with basic kindness.

Original poster

Home77 · 02/02/2019 20:35

They are 10 and 13 btw, when she asked their names.

OP posts:

Original poster

Home77 · 02/02/2019 20:36

Yes, i don;t meet her with them now, just alone. I'm sad because I know she's not really nasty but seems to have some kind of issue. Not sure whether to continue with this or what to do. It is kind of easier to meet up alone now they are a bit older, anyway. But I still feel a bit sad.

OP posts:

JustHereForThePooStories · 02/02/2019 20:37

She’s not your friend (and I say that as somebody who doesn’t have kids and who isn’t hugely interested in them).

Burlea · 02/02/2019 20:40

She might have kept it secret but she might be jealous because she can't have children.

Original poster

Home77 · 02/02/2019 20:40

So what is it? She has been very supportive in other ways to me over the years, when others haven't. I wonder what is going on

OP posts:

BIgBagofJelly · 02/02/2019 20:41

She sounds awful. What she said to your toddler was deliberately rude and going out of her way to tell you she doesn't know their names also seems deliberately rude. It sounds like she's holding on to a lot of bitterness towards children and people who have them. Maybe she feels like she's pressured by family to have kids or something and that has led to resentment. It's still not a nice way to behave whatever the reason.

I have a friend who has chiwawa dogs. She loves them and considers them her children. I don't really like them but will feign interest, I know their names, fuss over them when I see them etc. Because she's my friend and they're important to her. It's what friends do.

Lovingbenidorm · 02/02/2019 20:43

Nah you’ve got to to make a decision.
She clearly isn’t interested in your kids. She doesn’t want to see them or hear about them.
If you are happy to have a night out with someone on a very shallow level then fine, if you want a friend who you can talk to about important stuff in your life (like your dc) then nope

Original poster

Home77 · 02/02/2019 20:47

We sort of talk about this from before I had children.

She did tell me last meeting she feels she envies me..then said not because of children (of course) but because she feels I have lots of time. which she doesn't have because of her all consuming job.

But I feel she has more freedom really. It's all a bit weird.

OP posts:

BlueJava · 02/02/2019 20:51

Why are you friendly with her? She doesn't seem to even like your DC - it's unreasonable that they are never with you and you can't talk about them. How about to find some nicer friends who are happy for you and welcome your family.

DwayneDibbly · 02/02/2019 21:00

Very few of my close friends have children. They do nonetheless make a basic effort to ask after the health and welfare of my DC, buy gifts etc. To my mind that's not because they particularly like children but because they respect our friendship. I've bought gifts for my mate's cat ffs, because that's her fur baby and she's my friend.

I can't imagine being friends with someone who so overtly disliked my kids, even if my kids turned out to be absolute shits.

Original poster

Home77 · 02/02/2019 21:01

Why are you friendly with her?

because we go back a long way and have been through quite a lot. We get on quite well when taking about other things. Also, she moved far from home, to stay with me at one point and now stays nearby.

OP posts:

Rubenesque · 02/02/2019 21:05

Have you sent her 13 years of Christmas cards with your children's names in, and she still can't remember what they're called? She's trying to tell you something, I'm sure.

Reflexella · 02/02/2019 21:06

I’d sack her off, awful rude behaviour.

sonjadog · 02/02/2019 21:13

She sounds very rude. I don't really see how that behavior could ever be okay, no matter what she thinks of children.

Aarghkids · 02/02/2019 21:14

I have a friend of 21 years who has no kids, never wanted them. My kids range from 4-12. She adores one of my kids, takes interest in the others. She currently lives on another continent but always asks after them.
I'm well aware she thinks kids are devil spawn but she supports my decision to have them, knows their names and it has never adversely affected our friendship.
To summarise, your friend is not a friend....

TheBigFatMermaid · 02/02/2019 21:14

She is not a friend. She has her own very selfish agenda and your DC do not fit into that, so neither do you.

She cannot even remember your DCs names, FFS!! She does not care about you.

Wouldyalookatthetime · 02/02/2019 21:15

So she essentially ignores 2 of the most important people in your life? You feel like you can't talk about your children around her? I'd find it very difficult to maintain a friendship with someone like that to be honest. I probably would have cut my losses when she claimed not to remember their names after all those years.

I have friends without children - they ask after my kids (and husband and family) and I in turn ask after the important people in their lives. That's how friendship works surely?

Original poster

Home77 · 02/02/2019 21:26

I agree, but it is complicated, as she has been so supportive in other ways. When i was ill, she immediately took time off to support me, and has been there in other times when other's haven't. Through MH illness, which she didn't understand but was really supportive. It isn't black and white. Oh, I don't know.

When you have children, they are like a part of you, but maybe she doesn't get that having not had them herself?

OP posts:

DesertSky · 02/02/2019 21:37

A friend of mine was the same towards my eldest until she had her own. As a toddler my DS just sensed she didn’t like him and used to get so upset as soon as he laid eyes on her (didn’t act like it with anyone else!) Looking back I think it was jealousy.

mcmooberry · 02/02/2019 21:39

I would actually just do what you have been doing and keep your friendship and children separate. Has she got a partner? Either she hasn't been in a relationship where children were on the cards and wants them or she genuinely can't stand them (less likely I would say) and as she is a good friend in other ways I wouldn't give up on her.

Original poster

Home77 · 02/02/2019 21:42

Yes, she has a partner, and he wanted kids. he wanted to be a stay at home dad in fact. So it might be an issue there as well...

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