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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

about this friendship?

36 replies

Home77 · 02/02/2019 20:29

We've been friends for over 20 years, since university where we flat shared together. went travelling, kept in touch over the years

She never wanted children, bit since I have had mine (two) in my twenties has been funny about it, even though I have never gone on about them, expected her to be involved...

for example she looked disgusted at me breastfeeding, and when my toddler came up to her said 'do you think i like you or something' (not in a nasty way but it still sort of hurt)

over the years I have done my best to meet up without them but once had to bring my son along to a Thai restaurant where he was quiet and didn't interrupt, but she sulked about that.

Recently, she said to me, what are their names again? and I felt kind of hurt again. I don't feel i can share anything about my children which are a huge part of my life for fear of upsetting her.

I could understand it more, if she couldn't have children and that was the reason behind her behaviour but it isn't the case.

OP posts:
JasperKarat · 02/02/2019 21:43

Maybe her distance from/repulsion against children is about her own childhood. A friend of mine will never have children as she's said there would be too many traumatic reminders and links to her own childhood and that her MH would suffer and she doesn't feel she would be able to parent well within that context, she'd be bringing too much baggage and that would've be fair to s child or to her.

JasperKarat · 02/02/2019 21:44

*wouldn't be fair to a child

PolarBearDisguisedAsAPenguin · 02/02/2019 21:44

It sounds like you have both gone in different directions and aren’t really friends anymore but see each other out or familiarity.

Ullupullu · 02/02/2019 21:49

She sounds incredibly immature. In fact I remember a friend and I talking like this in our late teens thinking we were so cool ... But most people grow up and real life intervenes.

ElleDubloo · 02/02/2019 22:03

A close friend of mine from university wrote my husband’s name wrong on our invitation to her wedding. Not just spelled it wrong, but gave him an entirely different unrelated name. That’s when I knew the friendship had come to a natural end. A friend who doesn’t bother to remember the names of your children is definitely not a close one!

Original poster
Home77 · 03/02/2019 12:32

Yes there is an issue with childhood, I know her mum had PND and her dad worked away quite a lot so maybe that has affected her. I'm not sure about selfishness or immaturity to be honest, more a kind of protectiveness... as I mentioned she was very thoughtful and supportive to me in times others weren't. (and patient) she didn't give up on me then...or shy away. Also she is quite career minded and has a better more secure job than her partner, so has a more menial, less well paid and less secure job. So I can see that if she did have a child she's be under a bit of pressure to support them both perhaps if he became a SAHD...I can understand practically why she would be hesitant.

I think I will talk kid stuff with other friends / parents and avoid dogs / children with her and just meet up to have lunch or do something different.

OP posts:
Consolidatedyourloins · 03/02/2019 12:38

What is she like a friend otherwise?

I think someone who doesn't bother to or pretends not to know her friend's children's names after 13 years and says 'do you think I like you or something' to a child must be very self-absorbed and a selfish friend.

Does she dominate conversation?

HollowTalk · 03/02/2019 12:42

She is dismissing the most important people in your life. I don't think she's a friend.

Igotthemheavyboobs · 03/02/2019 12:52

Exactly how sure are you that she didn't want childen? It's possible that the lady protests too much

Ffs, just because a woman is Infertile does not mean she is a nasty cunt. I have been trying to get pregnant for 3 years, I still manage to remember my friends childrens names. I still travel long distances to celebrate their birthdays and am very much a part of their lives.

Just because when I find out a friend is pregnant, I have a little private cry and experience strong feelings of jealousy, does not mean I will then ignore their pregnancy and the existence of said child when it appears. It also doesn't mean that I am not very happy for that friend.

The insinuation that becuase this woman doesn't like the ops kids (and is actually very rude about them and horrible to them) is becuase she wants children herself is, quite frankly, very insulting to women who actually are infertile.

OP- Yanbu, you need to distance yourself as this woman is no friend of yours.

slashlover · 03/02/2019 14:08

They are 10 and 13 btw, when she asked their names.

Wait...

for example she looked disgusted at me breastfeeding, and when my toddler came up to her said 'do you think i like you or something' (not in a nasty way but it still sort of hurt)

Did this happen over 8 years ago?

Original poster
Home77 · 03/02/2019 14:15

Yes, it did. I haven't seen her with the DCs very much so these things stand out.

No, she doesn't dominate the conversation, she did a counselling course and is good to talk to otherwise. More so than some other friends.

OP posts:
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