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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To wonder if there is a problem with her

59 replies

Worzilgummidge · 02/02/2019 18:46

My neighbours house is horrendous dirty and messy.
I'm not just talking normal dirty or messy it's littered everywhere with even everyday items like irons etc just randomly lying on the floor along with letters that look like they have been opened and then just chucked. You can't get across the landing as there is all manner of items lying in the way hairdryer, mirrors, pictures, old duvets, etc she starts things like bits of painting and doesn't finish etc sometimes you hear something crunching under your feet and realise you have trodden on something breakable that shouldn't even be there.
Cooker is thick with grease remains of food in the plughole.
She buys plants etc for the garden but they just get left sitting. Broken garden ornaments everywhere.
I'm getting increasingly concerned and she also has a mice problem now.

OP posts:
GalacticChickenShit · 02/02/2019 19:07

Sorry Janice is my neighbour. I was trying (and failing) to make a joke about the current state of my own house.

As you were.

Original poster
Worzilgummidge · 02/02/2019 19:08

She can be quite cheery when you talk to her but I guess it affects people differently.

OP posts:
Original poster
Worzilgummidge · 02/02/2019 19:10

I don't know how she can even be comfortable what amongst all that clutter it's even all over the sofa.

OP posts:
HoraceCope · 02/02/2019 19:16

be straight with her op, tell her

Beeziekn33ze · 02/02/2019 19:18

Her unnecessary shopping sounds like hoarding. This is now recognised as a. MH concern and treatment is available. Group psychotherapy is organised, sometimes involving a local fire station.

She sounds sad, depressed and lonely, maybe she's finding escapism in reading and distraction in crochet. It's not simple to help someone out of the state she's in, it's good that you're concerned. When the weather improves could you start outside by helping her to get plants in perhaps?

ForeignnessAlert · 02/02/2019 19:18

First question: are you willing to help her? As in, really help her. Spend regular time helping her sort and clean? Because if not, then no, you shouldn't say anything.

If you are, and you are a good enough friend, ask if she will accept your help. What about asking if you can take photos to show her what you see in her house? And take it from there.

Original poster
Worzilgummidge · 02/02/2019 19:26

I will try but I work full time and all that.

OP posts:
Beeziekn33ze · 02/02/2019 19:27

Sorry, it was a different poster's neighbour who read and crocheted.

Foreigness. Wouldn't it be lovely if in a few months OP could show her the photos and take new ones to show how the house was improved?

Maybe I've watched How Clean is Your House and Hoarders too often - - instead of getting to grips with my own clutter...

thelonggame · 02/02/2019 19:29

I work for adult social care. You would be amazed how many people do live like this. We would only really get involved with them when there is a serious welfare concern, such as fire risk from the hoarding or environmental health issues.
You need to remember that everyone is entitled to live how they want to, and as long as they have mental capacity everyone has the right to make decisions that aren't necessarily in their own best interest or that anyone else things is wrong.
If you want to spend time with her maybe encourage her to go out, so you don't have to spend time in her house?

Original poster
Worzilgummidge · 02/02/2019 19:35

I'm sure there must be loads but are they even aware how bad they actually are.

OP posts:
Moondancer73 · 02/02/2019 19:39

Actually, scarily, this sounds like someone very close to me. She lives in a very dirty house with 3 beds, only one being accessible, doesn't work and sees no issue with her lifestyle.
It's very difficult with people like this to get through to them unless they are ready to accept help. I think all you can do is offer help and see what she says. Good luck

HoraceCope · 02/02/2019 19:40

You have to help her to help herself.
She has to want to tidy up.

but how, I dont know.

thelonggame · 02/02/2019 19:45

No most aren't aware and I'd say majority have mental health issues. It's incredibly sad.
That being said, even if there was enough funding in ASC and the NHS to offer the proper support you'd find that most of them wouldn't want to engage with it until they hit a real crisis.

thelonggame · 02/02/2019 19:50

Just carry on being the good friend that you are. Just reread and see you said she has a mice problem so probably time to contact environmental health before it gets out of control.

daisypond · 02/02/2019 20:05

If she doesn't mind, what does it matter? OK, the mice are a bit of a problem, but loads of people have mice. To be honest, I think you sound quite judgemental. Some people don't care about keeping their house tidy/spotless. Unless they've got severe mental health problems, I wouldn't let it bother you. Just carry on being a nice friend.

BollocksToBrexit · 02/02/2019 20:09

She actually sounds like me. I have ASD and what you're describing sounds like my executive function issues. So for example, I buy plants for the garden because I want a lovely house like anyone else. Except I can't complete all the stages of the task as it's overwhelming, So it gets left until later but then it gets lost in all the other chores that I can't complete. I've also never been able to hold down a job.

I get help from social services twice a week. So now my home is better but it's still a long way to go.

formerbabe · 02/02/2019 20:10

I doubt there's anything you can do. I can't imagine social services being very interested. Unless it's an actual health hazard or dangerous, I wouldn't do anything to be honest.

RelaxDontDoooIt · 02/02/2019 20:16

Hello OP,
Let me tell you now that there is nothing you can do to help. Honestly. You have tried to mention it to her and she isn’t facing up to it. I have a family member who is a hoarder and their house is a terrible state and they also do not care. I have learnt not to worry about them over many years. We once had a very honest discussion after a glass of wine and they told me it just doesn’t bother them. They understand it bothers other people but they just don’t care. I found the honesty quite liberating to be honest. I used to help them tidy up/wash up etc for hours at a time and it ALWAYS went back to normal again. Once they admitted it just doesn’t worry them it freed me from thinking I had to help.

So nowadays I make sure they get out and about, eat properly and I don’t visit at their house. If there are no children involved and it doesn’t bother your friend then you need to leave it.

Original poster
Worzilgummidge · 02/02/2019 20:18

Sorry bollocks I totally get where your coming from.

OP posts:
Ilovemypantry · 02/02/2019 20:27

sorry bollocks I totally get where you’re coming from 😂😂😂

Ilovemypantry · 02/02/2019 20:29

Sorry, I know this is a serious post but that sentence just made me laugh out loud!

Original poster
Worzilgummidge · 02/02/2019 20:30

Damn it why did I use that part of the user name.

OP posts:
YourFly · 02/02/2019 20:34

It did lighten the mood though OP Smile

Original poster
Worzilgummidge · 02/02/2019 20:35

Yes at least it's given a good laugh Blush

OP posts:
EmeraldShamrock · 02/02/2019 20:35

She obviously has issues, a large number of people live like this, from disability, MH issues, my DD is extremely messy and sometimes dangerous in her surroundings she is only 10 but I do wonder how she'll cope as an adult.
You can only be supportive, she may need pest control, if there is mice there is probably maggots too but there isn't much you can do unless she wants help.

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