To ask for MIL advice

[DorisDances]

Yikes, I am going to become a MIL next week! Any advice for the wedding day (DD) and for the future?

Try not to exclude the other nanny when the time comes! I have 3 sons and 2 DILs , 3 grandchildren. Daughters seem to be better at organising family stuff and sometimes I feel sidelined. I never ever complain though, only here on mumsnet!

Good point!

Don't moan about your son in law when he is the one picking up your costs at times. My Mum started to moan about dh recently. I told her to stop moaning, or stop eating as he was paying for her lunch (he works, I don't), and it would be churlish to be rude about the person who in recent days had picked up her travel costs and hotel bill.

The wedding day should not be a problem. Do you have daughters as well as sons? If so do not expect your DIL to be another daughter. It is a different relationship. You can be blunt with your daughters if you dare but never ever be anything other than accepting and tactful to your DIL . She is coming into your world, and you into hers, It can go horribly wrong as you see on here. Never ever criticise, take your sons side, comment on things she does differently. Never give advice unless it is asked for, and even then, only as a suggestion. When children arrive let her take the lead, let her favour her own mother until she feels established. Make no demands as a grandmother, be useful only if it is needed. Offer to babysit only when she is ready and don't assume she will want you to take the baby out. She will have to work as hard as you to make a new relationship work. If you blow it you will alienate your son. If he is a good husband you can smile at a job well done. If they have snags, never take sides. This is not being a doormat it is being a MIL. Never ever be jealous of her mother

Similar rules for a SIL. Never criticise, never be too over present in their home. Be useful. Be aware his mother might feel sidelined

Confusedbeetle I wish you could have a word with my MIL.....

If they live close to you, don't just pop over without being invited. Keep your opinions as to how they manage their relationship to yourself.

Thanks all for your thoughtful comments. It sounds like learning to bite my lip at times will do me no harm!

Confusedbeetle - I wish yuh knew my soon to be ex mil!

confused what a great piece of advice, it should be issued at the time of an engagement [gives everyone time to prepare]

I am a MiL and there are 'rules'!

I completely adore my DiL, she is a lovely person and has made my son so very happy.
I never 'pop in' unannounced, although frequently asked to..OTOH they can, and do, pop in to see me with no prior warning.
I never criticise her (not that there is anything to criticise) and especially not to my son.
I don't expect her to be another daughter in any way at all, they are very different people.
I suppose it has been made easy for me as she really is such a lovely genuine person. I couldn't have wished for a better wife for him.

I'm a MIL - my main comment would be " keep your lip zipped regarding their marriage / the way they bring up their children ". Some of us learn the hard way - it's not your family , they don't need your input. Don't "drop in" unannounced . Don't assume that things like Christmas and birthdays will be "just like they were in the past" - you might be disappointed to find that you're not the centre of the family any more . Be prepared to take a back seat when family events are arranged - let them come to you with their plans.

Good luck and have a lovely day !

The fact that you have asked means you are going to make a success of it!

From my perspective as a DIL i found my MIL started off a little overbearing and i think its because i married the first of her sons to marry. I take a lot of his time and we disappeared off travelling.
Now that we are home more and have a young family , we make sure to prioritise spending time with her and making her also welcome in our home. She is very chilled out and doesnt try to 'meddle' .

I think importantly at the beginning of a marriage they will want to spend a lot of time on new adventures and finding themselves, and can forget as much extended family time. Try not to pressure them and let time run a little.

Respecting his opinions and decisions are important even if they arent the same as yours.

I found my husband gets on well with my parents as they just be themselves around him and dont add any extra pressures to him for any reason.

Oh and congratulations! Im sure you will be fine, enjoy being mother of the bride

Just don't interfere and listen. Some examples of what not to do:

• spending several years dropping very obvious hints suggesting DIL should have a baby
• making negative comments about how small their 4 bedroom house is/ how they 'need' a kitchen diner etc
• replying to everything she says with 'it'll be fine' and not bloody listening to anything.

If I tell you to use suncream properly on the dc, that car seats need to be correctly fitted or not to sit on that flimsy Ikea footstool in our lounge there is a reason for it

If you've had a "traditional" marriage with your DH being the breadwinner and you at home whilst the children were young, you doing the cooking and DH doing the DIY, don't expect their relationship to be the same.
Both DH and I work and in the early days I earned significantly more than him. DH gets treated like some sort of hero by both my mum and MIL as he does most of the cooking. The fact that I re-attached the washing machine door the other day and unblocked a drain (both of which were done whilst they were here) wasn't commented on. It has taken 10 yrs but MIL now realises (although doesn't appreciate) that I am not going to be responsible for birthday or Christmas cards or presents for DH's side of the family. Likewise, if DH is taking the DC to stay with MIL for a few days, I don't need to be involved in arrangements. DH is perfectly capable of communicating travel plans, being responsible for remembering that they'll need wellies and all of the things I do if I take the DC to my parents for a few nights.
If you're not local and so you go to stay/they come to stay, give them some space rather than be with them for the entire duration of the visit. You may not want to go for a walk or whatever you decide to do but they will appreciate the space.
The final thing I'll say is that, if they have DC, remember guidelines have changed and that the parents will probably want to do the "firsts" so don't try & muscle in on those. Yes, they are special times and no doubt any grandchildren will be adored by you (and there will no doubt be times you resent your DS and DIL for being demanding!) but you have had your "turn" with your DC.

Two eyes, two ears, one mouth - given that wayvfor a reason!

Foslady I love it and I'm going to use that. Thank-you for making my mindless Sunday morning on MN educational

My mil and I have developed a good relationship. And honestly, I credit her with a lot of it. We clashed a little in the beginning but she has made a huge effort to understand what I need/want and to adapt accordingly. This has been necessary because she tends to come stay with us. For my part, when we visit her I do try (successfully I think), to accommodate how she does things in her home and am always grateful and appreciative of any effort she makes.

I think this concept of mutual respect is very important.

OP you will make a lovely MIL. The fact you are worrying about it and asking shows that you care about their wants and needs too. I wish you a healthy relationship based mutual respect and understanding.
Will you be my MIL?

Don't be the expert, even if you think you know better. If you want to be helpful - ask what you can do and only do what is asked. Never be judgemental.

Honestly though the fact you're even asking probably means you'll be great.

Yes, definitely don't give advice unless asked. Don't expect your DIL to do stuff your DS isn't prepared to (remember birthdays on your side, return phone calls etc). Remember she has a family on her side who may be demanding! If you are a landline chatter, bear in mind a lot of people don't really use landlines any more and if your DIL has got work to do in the evening, don't keep ringing for a chat! Ask if it is a good time if you phone. Do aim to create a nice relationship with the other half of the family (although as you can see I find my MIL a bit trying, she and FIL have a lovely relationship with my parents and my sister's and BIL's mums are nice to us too). Finally, very specific to me, if you are from the North and DIL from the south, will you give it a rest about Thatcher/the miners' strike...!

My sister's and BIL's MILs that should have said.