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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

making new friends when you're nearly 40

33 replies

justtakingabath · 02/02/2019 15:40

is it much harder or am I just crap at it?

Tried to make numerous friendships, am LP and could do with a wider social circle. Both mum friends with kids, and adult friends...

Things start, go for a couple of meetups then seem to fizzle out. People are busy, I get that. But mostly things just fizzle out and I am wondering if I am lousy socially (I can be shy but I try my hardest, I don't smell!). Or if people are just not interested or available enough any more due to age, responsibility etc. For me it takes more than a couple of meetups

Hard to get out due to being LP (e.g. hobbies difficult with no childcare!)... I'm self employed so have less chance to meet ppl through work.... Is it me or is it very hard??

What are your experiences with making new friends?

OP posts:
Original poster
justtakingabath · 02/02/2019 15:41

*more than a couple of meetups to really click, that should say.

OP posts:
gottastopeatingchocolate · 02/02/2019 16:10

It's hard!

No words of wisdom, I'm afraid. Just that it is not you, I'm sure.

Original poster
justtakingabath · 02/02/2019 16:17

thank you gottastopeating... who knows eh?

OP posts:
Lovingbenidorm · 02/02/2019 16:24

I have one very close friend who I met at work 30 yrs ago. The rest of my friends I met when dc were at prep school. One friend told me not to expect making new friends when dc were in secondary school, she was right!
I think it gets harder as we get older.
Don’t give up tho.
If you are happy in your skin people will want to be around you

ChiBox · 02/02/2019 16:30

It's hard, my husband works away so I never have the opportunity to go out in the evening. Like you I go to meet ups and they fizzle out. I'm nearly 40, and I'm starting to feel quite depressed about it. I have found a babysitter now who is very reasonable so I'm going to make an effort to try and 'do something!

Missingstreetlife · 02/02/2019 16:33

It is harder but not impossible. It takes a while to become friends. Shared activities or interests are good. Is there something you can do with kids but also meet people?

Polarbearflavour · 02/02/2019 16:38

I’m 30 and I am the same. I make friends at work then as soon as I leave the job I’m forgotten about. My old friends have stopped replying to texts!

I find people quite hard work and I’m happier on my own.

Ragwort · 02/02/2019 16:43

What do you like to do with friends?

I am 60 & have never found it hard to make friends but I aim to ‘do things’ rather than just meet for a coffee or a meal. So I have made friends mostly through volunteering, having a shared interest really helps. I joined the WI, offer to help on committees, been involved with different PTAs, got involved with local politic, joined a Book Club etc etc.

RedHatsDoNotSuitMe · 02/02/2019 16:48

I think that in our 40s those of us who have DC find they're getting older/can be left more so we have more time and energy.

I made friends when DD started primary with other mums, and that didn't happen at all at secondary because I wasn't in school so much.

However, I've done other things with my time (in my case, taken up exercise classes) and I've made friends through that route.

I'd suggest finding something that interests you and doing that, so even if you don't make any friends, you enjoy the thing you're interested in. If you make making friends a by-product/bonus thing rather than the goal I think you're more likely to be pleasantly surprised. I generally find in my life I make friends at times/places where I don't expect it/am not looking for it.

Bestseller · 02/02/2019 16:48

You need an interest that brings you in to contact with the same people on a regular basis.

It takes a long time for me to get beyond the acquaintance stage to proper friendship but having taken up a sport ten years ago, I now have more good friends at 48 than I've ever had in my life.

Original poster
justtakingabath · 02/02/2019 16:55

I think you're right bestseller.

I do struggle to find time to do anything as a LP that's not a coffee or occasional hangout. it does make it difficult as I don't have childcare.

OP posts:
flowery · 02/02/2019 17:06

Definitely an activity. I don’t make friends easily at all, but I have several close friends from being in a choir, and also a couple of good friends from being a school governor.

Before doing those two activities, my friends were all from school or university.

Magnificentbeast · 02/02/2019 17:20

I'm in my 40s with young children and I find it hard to make friends. I say hello and have quick chats on the school run twice a week but I struggle to progress to friendships. I do seem to have a knack of unintentionally shedding existing friendships though which is demoralising! Confused

My DH is very rarely home early enough for me to get out and join classes/activities. I feel as if my 'social skill muscles' have withered through lack of use!

I see other people developing friendships around me so it does happen. It's all a bit of a mystery to me though.

I have pre-kid friendships which I try to maintain but I can't get as involved in all the social goings-on that I used to. I've lost confidence in joining in.

Other posters have given some good advice up thread. Just don't give up!

Bumblebee39 · 02/02/2019 17:32

I'm about a decade younger and have the same issue
I'm so over committed it's very hard to meet people though so essentially we need the same time off and I don't have any time off

tashac89 · 02/02/2019 17:39

I'm 29 and struggle making friends. I seem to have developed social anxiety that has gotten worse with each child I've had. Added to my manthing working nights and I'm a bit of a hermit

Aprilshowersarecomingsoon · 02/02/2019 17:39

40's here. Dc+dh but nil friends. Self employed also so no work mates and customers rarely home!
Go to the gym with adult dc. Sad!
Dog walk and park loitering with dc.

SpeedbirdFoxtrot · 02/02/2019 18:15

This is something that’s bothered me for a little while as well. I’m in my early 30s, self-employed, and I’ve moved to a new area. Most of my friends are in London or Manchester (100s of miles away).

I’m at the stage where I’m considering taking a course or looking for a part-time position that’s relevant to my current field so I can meet people (easier said than done!) I only know one person around here (other than DP and DD) and I’ve never felt so socially isolated in my life.

I used to work as cabin crew and it was such a sociable role I’m starting to miss it a lot. I could t justify taking the wage cut by returning to it, but my god I miss it now.

I’ll definitely give the whole activity thing a go. It’s reassuring that other posters have found sports useful in that sense. I’ve been toying with the idea of kayaking for a while. Now’s probably as good a time as any.

I hope you have some success OP.

8FencingWire · 03/02/2019 08:15

Op, how about joining a pilates class, they tend to be in the morning.
It worries me, I can see so much social isolation around me.

I am a LP as well, but my DD is a teenager. I can go to my book club once a month and leave her at home. Or I can join colleagues for a drink sometimes. It’s easier for me because of this, and because I live in the town centre. But yes, it is lonely and isolating.
How old are your children?

Jeffjefftyjeff · 03/02/2019 08:34

I don’t expect to make ‘soul mate’ friendships anymore and have settled for a sort of series of short friendships. Eg I did a sport and saw people regularly through that, had lots of group chats/ the odd night out etc. I can no longer do the sport due to injury and accept I will probably not see the people involved. If I bump in to them, it will be nice, we genuinely liked each other.

As Pp have said too, I need activities to make these sorts of friends. Contact between more formal catch ups can help too (eg a group chat where you share photos of creations made outside a ‘craft’ activity?).

CallMeVito · 03/02/2019 08:35

Even in my 20s I would never had made friends simply by meeting each other for coffee.

You make friends by doing something in common, even if it's just going to the same uni and the same parties.

How old are your children? How flexible is your work?
if you are self-employed, would it be possible to do a hobby at least once a week when the kids are at school, and catch up on work when they are asleep that night?

Otherwise it's a case of doing something regularly with the children - even school drop off - and meeting the same people and slowly becoming friends, but it takes time.

Adversecamber22 · 03/02/2019 09:25

I made many really good friends through voluntary work in the past but sounds like this would be hard for you due to childcare.My newest but very close friend who I have only known for a couple of years. She and I share a love of poetry and attend a writers group. We knew of each other but it was just on a hello basis for quite a while. Turns our we share a similar sense of humour and our mutual love of poetry sealed the deal.

I find people that are interested are interesting. You may not have a lot of time but when people meet up apart from the usual how are the dc and talking about domestic stuff what do you have to talk about? Expand your mind as much as possible. I have never struggled to make friends but I can spin a yarn no problem and people love being amused. You can hark back to the past as well. I have some great stories about being in a riot or two

Original poster
justtakingabath · 03/02/2019 10:17

Thanks everyone, my DS is 7. I do have flexible work but it's very hard fitting it into school hours, so I'm usually really busy using every available moment. Maybe I could find one morning a week. I must try to do a regular activity.

I have tried to meet people at school but they don't seem interested. I think I am getting tired of trying to make the effort and it not working out. Almost feel like giving up!

I ask questions and am interested when I meet people, I think part of the issue is that I am quite shy unless I know people and tend to stumble a bit when speaking about myself. I think I need to work on my self confidence as a part of it.

I guess thinking about it at school I was a bit of an outsider, I had close friends but was never part of the usual crowd. I have old friends I just struggle to meet new ones. I need to meet people similar to me, in a way I have forgotten who I am though. I have changed a lot in recent years. I used to be a bit of a party head and loved hanging around with the other party heads as a young adult and people outside cultural norms like musicians and artists. This has now stopped and I am in mummy-land with no party heads but I am not sure any more who my tribe is!!

I guess self confidence is a huge part of it. I really really try - I have set up mum meetups, gone on apps, tried at school, etc etc. Just very little has worked.

I think part of it is that my self confidence is low, I have come a long way from a couple of years ago but the knock on effect of this is I am feeling like a low level depression and am not able to be spontaneously bright and happy all the time. Maybe people pick up on this. By no means am I eeyore and am friendly and talk about interesting things but I do struggle to be happy anyway, being a LP can be difficult and I wish I could be a bit more bright and breezy like some people. I am trying though.

OP posts:
DoAsYouWouldBeMumBy · 03/02/2019 13:19

@justtakingabath I'm sorry you're finding this hard. You must feel quite disheartened, but I doubt it's got anything to do with how likeable you are.

I've always found it easy to make friends, and I don't really know why. I smile a lot and am a bit sweary. Who knows.

Anyway, I'm always open to new friendships, but it often depends on what people want to do. There's a new mum near me who wants to make friends, but all she wants to do is meet up for coffee, which I find a bit boring unless it's my super best friend who I've not seen for ages. She's a SAHM, I work, and I don't really have time to be sitting about drinking coffee - I do that at work. If she suggested a walk or going to a class or event, I'd definitely say yes, but I find my heart sinking at the thought of sitting at her kitchen table talking about kids.

I'm sorry if that sounds a bit mean, but just trying to give some perspective on what might not be working for you. Good luck with your next step SmileBrew

bananaramaspyjamas · 03/02/2019 14:57

YANBU. It's not just you though OP. I don't think its an age thing as much as a life stage thing. Being a lp myself I find it really hard, because I don't have the time to invest in friendships, its difficult to get out. But a lot easier once dcs older and you can take up hobbies, and maybe even a PT job with a sociable element, volunteering etc. I'm planning to do more later as dcs older.
You sound really nice Smile

Parthenope · 03/02/2019 15:06

The only time in my life when I've actively tried to start friendships (rather than them starting organically because I met people I really liked) when I had a small baby and moved out of London to a village while on mat. leave it simply didn't work at all. I've retained two acquaintances I quite like from that time, but no real friendships at all.

I'd never had the slightest issue with making friends in adult life, but then I'd never actively gone looking for them before. I know this works for some people, but I need more than 'vaguely pleasant people' to form a friendship, it seems, even when lonely.

If it's the slightest consolation, I've since made two very close and sustaining friendships via work, in my mid-40s, just from meeting two people I was immediately attracted to in allied departments.

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