making new friends when you're nearly 40

[justtakingabath]

is it much harder or am I just crap at it?

Tried to make numerous friendships, am LP and could do with a wider social circle. Both mum friends with kids, and adult friends...

Things start, go for a couple of meetups then seem to fizzle out. People are busy, I get that. But mostly things just fizzle out and I am wondering if I am lousy socially (I can be shy but I try my hardest, I don't smell!). Or if people are just not interested or available enough any more due to age, responsibility etc. For me it takes more than a couple of meetups

Hard to get out due to being LP (e.g. hobbies difficult with no childcare!)... I'm self employed so have less chance to meet ppl through work.... Is it me or is it very hard??

What are your experiences with making new friends?

Absolutely agree DoAs, I find (some) people who say they are desperate to make friends don’t actually want to put any effort into actually making friends. Like you, I don’t want to just sit around having a coffee or even a glass of wine & just chatting , I want to do something whether it is a walk, see a film, join a book club, campaign for a local issue etc and from that a genuine friendship will often develop ... so that then you might sit & have a chat over a coffee as you have something in common to talk about.

I moved to Australia in my early 40s and have made a couple of friends. I met them through DDs school....are there no Mums at school you like?

Friendship = Proximity + Frequency + Duration + Intensity

www.lifehack.org/643258/the-friendship-formula

I moved continents recently and it's hard.

I work and have older DC so meeting people on the school run is not easy. I find you just have to keep putting yourself out there: I guess a bit like dating!

You exchange "hellos" a few times then ask if they fancy a coffee. If you get on maybe drinks or dinner. Different things for different people. I now have drinking friends, walking friends, dinner friends.

Some people you try with and they're not interested so you need to develop a thick skin, but over the last 18mths I've built up a group of about ten women that I could go out with to one place or another just the two of us and a slightly wider peripheral group.

But yes it's effort and you have to want it. I really did so worked at it.

I think it's something I've said before on here, but I think it's quite common to mistake people with whom you have life stages in common as people you 'should' be friends with. Just because you work together, have similar hobbies, or stand at the school gates every afternoon doesn't mean you're actually compatible as friends.

My closest, most loveliest friends are those I've met online through shared interests. Some of them are ten years younger than I am, some of them 40yrs older. If I'd met them in person to begin with, I'm certain we'd have assumed we'd have nothing in common. But instead we got chatting and that made it very easy to meet up because we'd already established a rapport. Are there local fb groups you could join that are based around an interest you have?

I’m so grateful for this post. I am in a similar position.
Make an effort but seems I’m doing all the running. Have felt rejected and then find it’s too exhausting making an effort so I’ve gone the other way and turned into one of those aloof unfriendly people who doesn’t make eye contact. Ironically it’s onlt because I’m scared of yet more rejection!! I have a few folk to hang out with but no one I really connect with so I have lowered my expectations of other people consoliderably

I've stopped trying to make new friend. I'm friendly with people at work but just accept that when we stop working together the friendship will end.

I'm in my late 30's now, but spent most of my 20's and early 30's listening to excuse after excuse as to why this person or that person didn't have time to go for a drink or meet for a coffee. I just got sick of it, and it hurt me in a way I can't put into words.

I now just accept that people pick and choose their friends and they don't choose me.

I joined my local Ladies Circle - sounds really old fashioned I know but it is an organisation for young women. Best thing I did to settle into a new area and I've made friends for life. Nothing to lose in giving it a try!