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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH trip with FIL

51 replies

OKhitmewithit · 02/02/2019 13:35

My MIL passed away 1 year ago. This Xmas just gone, we went on holiday with FIL for a 2 week break, overseas, warm.

DH is going to be off work as a contract has ended and now he and FIL are suggesting this is a great opportunity to go to Antigua to watch the cricket.

I feel it’s a bit off, to leave me and our DD 8, 10 and go swanning off on a boys trip. FIL is welcome here any time, we spend time with him, we’ve taken a holiday together. Now he’s trying to take more time.

The money isn’t really an issue, so I’m wondering if actually IABU and just a bit jealous - i’f love to go, which I did jokingly suggest. Or am I reasonable to think that he’s being a bit selfish? Now MIL isn’t here to travel with him he wants DH to fill the gap. DH has ‘jokingly’ mentioned it so clearly if I said, book it, go; off he’d trot.

So AIBU to think, no don’t go.

OP posts:
GreenTulips · 02/02/2019 13:37

He has the time and money to do so so why not? Life is for living and I’m sure they’ll have a great time

Being married doesn’t join you at the hip forever - let him go

RescueRemedy21 · 02/02/2019 13:38

It's not like it's a regular thing, he is doing something nice with his dad. I imagine losing MIL has bought them closer and reminded them both to make the most of their time together. So, yeah I think you are being a bit unreasonable.

Original poster
OKhitmewithit · 02/02/2019 13:38

This is going to feel like a drip feed, but it’s not meant to be. In reality it doesn’t really make much difference.

He will have a ski trip with his friends and a cycle weekend. We aren’t joined at the hip.

I take your point though.

OP posts:
Calvinsmam · 02/02/2019 13:39

Eh? What’s your problem?

Just make sure you get the same finds and time to go on a trip of your own.

I go away with my sister and I’m married. I’d be furious if my husband said I couldn’t go.

ineedaholidaynow · 02/02/2019 13:39

Does FIL have any friends he can go with?

LIZS · 02/02/2019 13:39

If the cost is not the issue yabu. You never know if they would get that opportunity again.

Calvinsmam · 02/02/2019 13:40

Does FIL have any friends he can go with?

But he wants to go with his son.

flumpybear · 02/02/2019 13:41

It's his dad, he won't be around forever so let them have some dad son time.

Me and DH have separate holiday sometimes ... can't you do the same with a friend or relative ?

Merryoldgoat · 02/02/2019 13:43

Can you go away somewhere lovely with friends too?

If you could book, say, Thailand with your best friend for the month after then I’d have no issue personally.

Original poster
OKhitmewithit · 02/02/2019 13:44

What’s my problem... the juggle that I’m left with. Not that it’s insurmountable.

I haven’t said he can’t go, he’s an adult with a free will - and we do lots apart. I suppose I just feel a bit, miffed!

OP posts:
shiningstar2 · 02/02/2019 13:44

Working parents only have limited free time. How long would they expect to be away? 4 days ...maybe ...any longer not on. You have done right by your bereaved fil by taking him with you over the Christmas period. I would be suggesting you all go as a family. Partner and fil could then spend some time watching cricket but you and partner could also spend some important family time with your girls.

Oh and do be careful you don't get into patterns you can't change. You sound lovely and its good you are supporting fil at this difficult time ...but time away just yourselves as a family is also important. I would be booking a family break very soon ...no need to go until summer if that's better for you ...but after it's booked begin talking about it straight away so that its seen as normal that your own family holiday is also factored in to your limited holiday time.

Holidayshopping · 02/02/2019 13:45

I suppose in order to answer this, we’d need to know

Does/would DH look after the kids so you can go off on holidays with your mum/sister/friend’s.

Do you do this?

justasking111 · 02/02/2019 13:46

I would let them go to be honest. My DH does man bonding, meaning sailing in inhospitable seas on legs of round the world trips. Which do not grab me at all.

Original poster
OKhitmewithit · 02/02/2019 13:48

I think it’s easier for him to just drop everything and go. If I do the same it means him having more time off.... unless he’s still not working.

I think you’re all right. IABU.

He does have lots of friends, but none available. It was my suggestion he goes to see it... I just hadn’t realised it would be my effort that facilitated it. It’s bloody hard work on my own, I work, but have a lot of flexibility

OP posts:
WinkysTeatowel · 02/02/2019 13:51

As a one off I wouldn't object, if it becomes a regular thing that's different.

explodingkitten · 02/02/2019 13:52

As long as you get to do a trip as well while he takes care of the kids.

Jaxhog · 02/02/2019 13:58

I go away occasionally with my widowed mum, as does my DS. It's a nice thing to do. However, you should also have the freedom to do the same with a parent, DS or friend. And he gets to organise any additional childcare needed, not you.

Whoops75 · 02/02/2019 13:58

I think you ABU
Your children aren’t babies it’s not a big ask imo

Doingreat · 02/02/2019 13:59

Of course you're not being unreasonable. He sees his dad loads. I wouldn't like to be the default carer for dc and be left with everything. Your dh will be going on other trips. I would feel the same as you tbh and would actively object to this trip. It's not the money, it's the time away from family and the assumption that you will be there to juggle everything.

ineedaholidaynow · 02/02/2019 13:59

Calvin my MIL is now on her own. Before SFIL died she had never been holiday with anyone part from family ones when DH and siblings were younger and then couple ones.

When she was first on her own we invited her to come on holiday with us, but then DH and his siblings encouraged her to go on holiday with friends.

She now goes on a couple of holidays a year with like minded friends, and sometimes gets an extra holiday with us. In fact she has more holidays than us Envy But DH works long hours, so holidays are quite precious time for us

It appears from OP that her DH gets quite a few breaks, whereas she probably doesn't get the same amount

Calvinsmam · 02/02/2019 14:02

I think it’s easier for him to just drop everything and go. If I do the same it means him having more time off.... unless he’s still not working.

This is true, but it doesn’t change the fact it needs doing. If he is willing to do this and allow you time to go away either with someone else or together as a family then you are being unreasonable. If he won’t then you are definitely NOT being unreasonable.

Original poster
OKhitmewithit · 02/02/2019 14:03

another drip feed coming. We are going to stay with BIL for half term, FIL can now come so he’s booked to travel too.

I think it’s the effort involved for me. I could (and do) go away, but covering school drop off/pick up means it’s a bit of a PITA.

Thank you ShiningStar2 I do try and be reasonable, it feels like this is a bit far for me... but possibly a bit unreasonable all the same. We do have a summer trip booked fortunately

OP posts:
RednaxelasPony · 02/02/2019 14:04

He should take the DC with him and FIL. Then it's a real boys trip. The DC would love it and you get a break.

Disagree that you should be expected to facilitate DH's holidays.

Also disagree with what a child free jolly says about the value DH places on his DC. Not good.

BertrandRussell · 02/02/2019 14:04

If the children were babies, i’d say no. But 8 and 10? “Let” him go.

AdoreTheBeach · 02/02/2019 14:06

Hi OP.

My grandmother had always wanted to go to Alaska. Never got the chance while my grandfather was alive. She took me. I had 3 children and worked full time. My husband was fine with my going as Alaska wasn’t a place he ever wanted to go, didn’t cost me (us) anything and my sister looked after the two youngest (2yrs and 5 yrs at the time) for the two weeks I was away. Years later, I would spend one week a year with her (deep clean her house, organise repairs and give her carer holiday time). It was such precious time (she’s sadly passed away) and I’m so thankful my husband have me no grief about that.

So provided this trip isn’t taking away funds that would mean no family holiday or using so much holiday time, you couldn’t have family holiday, strongly think about not giving DH a hard time. Your FIL won’t be around long term and if this is unique opportunity, let him go. If you’re worried about balancing the kids, let him know as you realise it’s a very special trip, not likely to be repeated, just fine to go and that you’ll hire a cleaner for that time he’s away (less on your plate to deal with) and any other help you’ll need.

I’d caveat this by saying, I moved continents to marry/be with my husband.

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