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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH trip with FIL

51 replies

OKhitmewithit · 02/02/2019 13:35

My MIL passed away 1 year ago. This Xmas just gone, we went on holiday with FIL for a 2 week break, overseas, warm.

DH is going to be off work as a contract has ended and now he and FIL are suggesting this is a great opportunity to go to Antigua to watch the cricket.

I feel it’s a bit off, to leave me and our DD 8, 10 and go swanning off on a boys trip. FIL is welcome here any time, we spend time with him, we’ve taken a holiday together. Now he’s trying to take more time.

The money isn’t really an issue, so I’m wondering if actually IABU and just a bit jealous - i’f love to go, which I did jokingly suggest. Or am I reasonable to think that he’s being a bit selfish? Now MIL isn’t here to travel with him he wants DH to fill the gap. DH has ‘jokingly’ mentioned it so clearly if I said, book it, go; off he’d trot.

So AIBU to think, no don’t go.

OP posts:
ChrisjenAvasarala · 02/02/2019 14:07

With kids aged 8 and 10 this really isn't a problem. They are old enough to be doing half the housework and everything anyway and they'll be in school most of the time. As long as your husband isn't the one who usually does school runs and therefore leaves you with no one to do it then what is the problem?

Just make sure you arrange some fun time for your self just as often.

Holidayshopping · 02/02/2019 14:10

I think it’s the effort involved for me. I could (and do) go away, but covering school drop off/pick up means it’s a bit of a PITA.

Well, no. That’s not really how it works. If you are holding the diet whilst he goes away-he should be reciprocating. If you are having to put in lots of effort to cover school drop off etc if you go away, where’s his input??

sonjadog · 02/02/2019 14:11

I think YABU. I think it is nice that your DH still has a close bond with his father and that they enjoy each other´s company so much. I´d be encouraging them to go away together.

Missingstreetlife · 02/02/2019 14:12

Talk to him, don't just give permission like his mum, though he should ask obvs.
Tell him that it's more work for you, and discuss how it can be made up to you. If it's his mum that died I think I would be sympathetic for the first year or so, but encourage film to make his own life too, your dh should not be the only focus.
Watch out for your inheritance, he might meet someone if he's lonely

Missingstreetlife · 02/02/2019 14:13

Fil, not film

Original poster
OKhitmewithit · 02/02/2019 14:13

Adore that’s lovely.

I’m being talked round. I might go and see my friend in the US Grin

OP posts:
Highonthehill · 02/02/2019 14:23

I remember when i was early teens my mum went on holiday with her mother (gran) twice.... leaving my dad with work to look after 3 kids admittedly we were all in high school but he still had to sort everything out. And as I am still alive I guess he managed. Df has also never gone on a long trip on his own although he has had weekends away playing his sport.

Yabu and you know it, make sure you have time with your own parents (apologies if they are no longer with you) but remember they won't always be around.

Highonthehill · 02/02/2019 14:25

Sorry the "You know it" sounded harsh. It was more acknowledging you had said it earlier in the thread

Lifeisabeach09 · 02/02/2019 14:30

Agree with PPs.
I, also, agree you should go to the US for two weeks to see your friend.

Thesnobbymiddleclassone · 02/02/2019 14:31

If your children were younger I'd agree, but at 10 and 8, they can easily help out a little while he's away.

StreetwiseHercules · 02/02/2019 14:34

FFS. 😩

StreetwiseHercules · 02/02/2019 14:35

“Well, no. That’s not really how it works. If you are holding the diet whilst he goes away-he should be reciprocating. If you are having to put in lots of effort to cover school drop off etc if you go away, where’s his input??”

Why does everything have to be an exchange?

BertrandRussell · 02/02/2019 14:39

“where’s his input??”

If this is a normal, respectful, equal relationship, then surely his input is taking care of his father.

Original poster
OKhitmewithit · 02/02/2019 14:48

We have a good relationship, but my job is very flexible, his isn’t. When he’s working it’s full on.

OP posts:
bluetheskyis · 02/02/2019 14:50

If money isn’t a problem Let them go, and you have some time yourself later in the year, a weekend away whatever. I would not have an issue unless it meant no time or money for a bigger family holiday

kalinkafoxtrot45 · 02/02/2019 14:51

I think it would be a great trip for him and FIL. But you also deserve some time to go away and do something nice for yourself. There needs to be an element of reciprocity.

MortyVicar · 02/02/2019 14:56

I still think it's worth the chat with DH to point out that in considering this he's simply assuming that you will pick up everything that needs doing. He may not have thought of it that way.

Ask him to give you some time where you can just switch off - not aggressively, but to give you a chance for some downtime too. It sounds that although your 'job' might be flexible, your household/family responsibilities are 24/7 whereas when he's not working it's his time off.

DailyMailFail101 · 02/02/2019 15:04

OP I understand your point, I’m juggling two under 4s for a weekend why my husband swans off for a weekend away, it’s not like I begrudge him the time with his friends its just a lot of extra work for me (and no lie in lol ) I had my 16 month old running around the supermarket whilst my eldest grabs random bits and put them in the trolly it was very stressful and doesn’t feel like a nice family relaxing weekend for me. I would be in two minds to agree as well.

WaxMyBalls · 02/02/2019 15:06

Yes, I wouldn't love the assumption that he can just fuck off any home responsibilities, and it's fine because you'll sort it all. That's kind of the bigger issue than the individual trip itself.

BertrandRussell · 02/02/2019 15:09

“I’m juggling two under 4s for a weekend why my husband swans off for a weekend away, ”
The OP’s children are 10 and 8.

Designerenvy · 02/02/2019 15:09

I think it's a lovely thing for your DH to want to spend time with his aging, widowed DF.
If money isn't an issue, don't make a fuss. Your DH won't appreciate, and maybe your DH realised how short life can be with the loss of his DM.
He's wise to do these things with his DF while his DF is fit and healthy enough to do it.

HollowTalk · 02/02/2019 15:13

Can't your FIL come to stay if you go away, and take the kids to school etc?

Original poster
OKhitmewithit · 02/02/2019 15:20

Can't your FIL come to stay if you go away, and take the kids to school etc

Now that is genius.

OP posts:
AcrossthePond55 · 02/02/2019 15:20

I wouldn't have a problem with it as a one (or two) off, especially in the 'early days' after losing his wife. I don't think I'd even feel I need to demand 'equal time' as long as I knew I had equal opportunity to travel if and when I wanted to. But if it ended up with my DH being his parent's permanent travel companion and the trips were frequent or lengthy, I don't think I'd be very happy if it meant my having to rearrange my schedule or increase my leave usage. My leave is for me to enjoy, not to facilitate someone else.

MorningRichie · 02/02/2019 15:59

I wouldn't worry about it. The match in Antigua finishes on Monday so unless he's already gone, he's not going.

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